Why are you so sad today?
I would like to know.
That is why I am asking you.
It is a big question to answer. I am sure that there is a lot going on that I am not aware of. First off, I just feel generally unwell. I have felt generally unwell for a while now. Recently did a remodel on my kitchen. Could be a result of the various chemicals and toxins that I have been inhaling. Also could be feeling this way because of the high heat that has been going on this summer. Could also be from toxins in the environment that I live. Could also be from depression. Hard to say what is causing what. I’ve had a rash on my neck for awhile now that is very itchy. That has been annoying but it also tells me that something is off in my body.
Any other symptoms?
I have a general loss of interest in all activities. I am fatigued. Lots of negative thoughts. I feel very unhappy.
Have you been exercising?
No, I have not. I go for walks and stuff but no real exercise.
Have you been drinking a lot of alcohol or smoking weed?
Do you feel sad?
Yes. Today I feel very sad. On the verge of crying a lot. It is my day off. I worked the past three days. I wonder if this has anything to do with it. I work as a psychotherapist. Maybe I take in a lot of my clients despair. I can relate. I think it infects me.
Yes. If you already have a predisposition to depression and anxiety I am sure that it does.
It is hard because I hold up this image of being a very mindful man. I present well. People probably think I am a grounded person. I am working with people who are struggling emotionally and psychologically and they look to me for guidance. I teach people how to be mindful as if I have mastered the art. I don’t feel like I am able to really live up to how I present myself and this makes me sad. People who come to me for psychological and emotional help should get someone who is better able to manage their own emotional and psychological health. Besides, I do not like this responsibility. It is too much. I do not like having to be someone who I am not. I do not like having to present people with information and techniques that I am not really behind 100%. It is hard to feel this way.
Yes. I am sure it is but I think most people feel this way. I am sure this is a daily struggle for most professionals.
Yeah. Well, I don’t like it. Not the life I imagined for myself. I just do not feel emotional or psychologically qualified to be in this position. It is hard to fake it. Makes me sad.
Why does it make you sad?
Well. I feel like I am leading people astray. I pretend to be interested in things that I am not. I really try to care. I really try to get interested in things. I want to be more interested. I want to be able to be more committed to my work but I can not seem to pull it off. I want to want to be a psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher!!!!!!!!!! I really struggle with this.
Why do you always ask me why?
Because I want to get to the bottom of this.
I see. Well I am not sure that I have the answer to this. I do not know why I am so incapable of getting into this line of work. I want to say: because I do not really like talking with people about problems and listening to people talk about problems, I often get uncomfortable anxiety when talking with people, I find the work very unstimulating and very uninteresting, I find talking about mindfulness incredibly dull, I do not like the idea of being a licensed professional, I do not respect licensed professionals so why would I want to be one? I suppose that I find the work very dull. I have to do a lot of pretending and this requires a great deal of effort. I also am someone who wanted to make it. By make it I mean, be someone who lives more of a non-conformist lifestyle. Someone who goes against the grain. Someone who keeps their soul intact. I am finding all of this hard to keep up because doing what I do (being a psychotherapist) innately suggests conformity to a particular system/profession.
But at the same time I am grateful to have a job that pays decently and where I am able to help others in profound ways. I am grateful to not to have to depend on my parents for money. I am grateful that I get to live a decent quality of life. I have nice things, nice house and having once been poor and down and out, I am grateful to have the lifestyle I do.
Sucks that these things do not bring you pleasure.
I wish they did! That is what I was hoping for but does not seem to be working out that way. What is my problem? Just got a beautifully remodeled kitchen and still I feel this way! WTF? So depressing. I do not understand how with all these nice, wonderful things around me I could still feel this way.
You said that you feel generally unwell.
Maybe it is a medical condition? You are not a young man anymore. May want to look into it.
Probably should. It feels like it has been growing over the past several years. Even when I was poor- I never felt like this. Not sure what it is. Maybe I am just really out-of-place. Maybe I am just really isolated and alienated.
What about your wife?
I love and like my wife very much. But whatever I am suffering from makes it really difficult for me to feel anything other than anger, sadness and a kind of neutrality. I am always angry with her. Always frustrated that she is not doing this or that or is doing this or that. I am always perturbed by something she does. Intimacy between us has gone away. We do not have sex anymore. I was in this exact situation in my last marriage. I have done it again. I have pushed my wife away from me. Again. I learned this from my father. My father is a man who is always unhappy with me. Can not do anything right by him. Always frustrated with something I am doing or not doing. Shuts himself down. Cuts himself off emotionally and withdraws affection. I have learned this from my dad.
Can’t you change it?
I have been trying. Seems bigger than me.
Do you feel pleasure anymore?
No. Not really. Briefly.
Yes. I would like to feel more pleasure. Even now, I just want to take a nap.
We are almost done. Just stick with me a bit longer. We need to try to work this out.
Feeling any better?
Yes. But still feel generally unwell.
Sounds like you are suffering from a kind of malaise.
General lack of interest in things, fatigue and a general feeling of unwellness.
Yes. I have been trying to take supplements, cold showers and listen to binaural beats to up my mood. Not sure if it has been working. At the moment does not feel like it is working but have not done it yet today.
Are you creative much anymore?
No. Have not been able to gather enough energy together to commit myself to anything. Have not really been creative at all. I want to write novels, stories, start a blog, draw, maybe even paint but I have not done anything. When I start doing something I just get tired. I lose interest quickly. The only things I really seem to want to do is: eat, read, have a drink or two, watch something on Netflix, sleep, sometimes listen to music, sometimes watch pornography and masturbate, go on Facebook, check my iPhone. Everything else seems to be a struggle.
Do you have anyone else you can talk to about this?
Not really. I try to talk to my wife about it but I do not feel like she understands. I tried to call my mom to talk but she did not pick up her phone which is typical. I am not even sure that she would be able to understand. I don’t feel like anyone understands really. No one can get it. And if I talk about it I just make other people feel bad. I do not want to make other people feel bad because it just makes me feel worse.
Are you suicidal?
Probably. I would never do it but I am probably as close as you can get without wanting to actually do it. I think about it. But I lack the courage to actually do it. Besides, I could not do that to my wife. But when she leaves the home the thought does cross my mind that I could do it now but I would not want to put her through having to come home and finding me. I would never intentionally put her through that. I think.
Also things have not been good between us. I am not sure if this is because of how I feel or if I feel this way because things are not good between us. I know that I get very down when we are not getting along. We have not been getting along for years now. We have periods where we get along great but for the most part I do not feel like we are getting along very well. Makes it difficult for me to feel love for her. This makes me sad because I do love and care for her very much. I wish I could actually feel joy, love, happiness. I can’t most of the time. Just anger, sadness, neutrality. Flat. I wonder if the reason we do not get along is because of me.
I’m a mess. I turned her away sexually all the time for years. I never come on to her. I do not show much sexual interest in her. TOOOOOOOOO scary. Don’t know how. Feels strange. I am also always getting pissed off. She is very forgetful and I often get pissed about this. If things are not clean, if things are dirty or messy, if things are out of place- I get pissed! If I see a mess in my house, I get pissed. I feel like she is being lazy and/or forgetful and not keeping things clean. I feel like she is not making enough of an effort to take care of our home. But maybe I just need to do more. Maybe I get pissed because I do not want to clean. I want her to keep more clean. I don’t know. All I know is that I am always getting pissed because I feel like my house is out of whack and I usually blame her for this. She is messy. She is disorganized. She is forgetful. But it is not her fault in some ways. I think she does the best she can. But I get pissed because I feel she should try harder.
Yes. Sometimes I can be a real jerk and this makes me sad. I wish I was not this way. I wish I could afford someone to just clean my house and take care of these things. I don’t want to be this way. My dad was this way. Always pissed and unhappy about something with some good moods in between. But his good moods would turn into asshole moods very quickly. I fear I have become the same way.
Interesting how we inherit a lot of our personality and moods from our parents.
Yes, we sure do. Look. I could go on and on here but I think I have said enough. I do not think that there is a cure to be had right now. I feel better from just having this conversation. I feel a bit lighter. It is really hot out and I feel a bit too fatigued to continue on. I think I will go read, listen to music, finish cleaning my house, maybe watch some porn and take a brief nap. I will also take some supplements and see if I can not lift myself out from this a bit. I do feel a bit better now. There is a lot more that I could say. I think this is enough for right now.