White, Middle-Class, Male. Conversation #35.

I don’t care.

You don’t care about what?

I don’t know. It is just the feeling I have right now.

I see. What is up?

I don’t know. It is Tuesday. I have a full work day ahead. My body feels tired. I spent the morning reading a biography of Herman Hesse. Felt good to read about how he struggled with similar issues as I do.

Such as?

The man was depressed because he had to work so much to maintain his domestic/family life. Something about the stable, domestic life left him feeling a certain kind of emptiness inside.

I see. Do you think this same emptiness is in you and is now manifesting as this feeling of not caring?

Possibly. But I have a lot I need to do. I do not want to not care even though at the moment I don’t not care.

What do you need to do?

I need to go for a long walk. I need to pay bills that I have been putting off paying. I need to return phone calls that I have been putting off returning. I need to clean up my house. And then I need to go to work.

I see. Sounds very domestic.

Isn’t the word for it bourgeois?

What does bourgeois mean exactly?

Of or characteristic of the middle-class, typically with reference to its perceived materialistic values or conventional attitudes.

So in many ways you are a whitish (even though you are dark skinned), middle-class, male?

Yes. And I hate this. I don’t want to be this. But I am. It is a particular lifestyle or paradigm that can be very suffocating. It can drain the soul right out of a person. This is what convention does. With each bill paid, each dollar earned, each new purchase for the household- the soul goes away a bit more.

And Herman Hesse dealt with this?

Yes. He was continually trying to escape from it. He was deeper in because he had three kids. I have three dogs.

Maybe it is this suffocating, soul draining nature of the white, middle-class, male paradigm that is the reason behind all these messed up and violent behaviors perpetuated by white, middle-class, males?

Probably so. White, middle-class, men do often behave in very angry and violent ways.

So maybe it is the suffocating nature of this paradigm that drives these men to these behaviors?

Didn’t you just ask me this? Please don’t ask me the same kind of question twice! I can’t stand that kind of stupidity!

Sorry. Jeeze. A bit hot headed today?

Screw you.

There is your white, middle-class, male coming out.

That is a ridiculous generalization. I just don’t like it when people ask me the same question twice!

Ok. Whatever. You have been smoking marijuana to deal with the existential pain of being a white, middle-class, male?

Maybe so. I am trying to cut back on the marijuana. It does help with the existential pain but it takes away clarity, intellectual rigor and focus. I want to manage my use. No more than three hits a day.

That is it?

Yes. I don’t want to get high, just a subtle THC buzz. This is how to use weed medicinally. People who get stoned from marijuana are not using it medicinally (to take the edge off). They are using it to get fucked up. To check out.

I see. So what are we talking about here?

So this is what I realized. Being a white, middle-class, male causes our brain (or my brain but I think other male brains as well) to become preoccupied with banal, mundane, day to day worries. Instead of thinking about the brilliance of nature and the universe, the miracle of being alive, Kierkegaard or Arthur Schopenhauer’s philosophy, metaphysics, various artistic and intellectual ideas, we end up thinking about bills that need to be paid, watering the garden, cleaning the house, getting the car registered, scheduling, earning enough money, our anger towards our wife’s or bosses and on and on. This middle-class lifestyle causes our brains to atrophy through a daily process of being preoccupied with all these bourgeoisie values and mundane preoccupations. This destroys any possibility of having a brain that is intellectual, original and creative.

So you are saying that this middle-class lifestyle gradually dulls a man’s brain, turns him into an ant preoccupied by the same things that all the other worker ants are preoccupied with and causes this man to fall in line with every other white, middle-class, male?

Follow the rules.

Become one of the masses.

Normalized.

I see. And no great ideas can come from this sort of mind?

Rarely. Very rarely. The white, middle-class, male just becomes like a tic on an animal sucking the life out of the animal for its own gain. In some sense it is this white, middle-class, male value system that is responsible for the environmental, economic, cultural and societal decline that we are currently experiencing in America.

And your anger and depression (existential pain) is the result of not being able to fit comfortably into this paradigm?

Exactly! I am struggling to drink the Kool-Aide!

I see.

But I still need to pay these bills. I need to go to work. I have to clean my house. I need to fill my car tank with gas. I need to get the laundry out of the laundry machine. I need to feed the dogs. I need to shave. I need to buy groceries. I need to pick up the dog shit. I need to make my bed. I need to…

I get the idea. You have a lot of middle-class things that you need to think about and  attend to.

I need to return emails and phone calls. I need to bring in the garbage cans. I need to write an article for my website. I need…

I get it. I get it. I guess that all you can do while having to take care of these domestic responsibilities is try not to let your brain become to preoccupied with them. Still think about the wonders of life. Think about Herman Hesse. Think about the workings of the universe and other great ideas. Think about the beauty of a naked female body. Keep your brain focused on greater things (aesthetics) while taking care of these mundane tasks.

Yes. I suppose this is the trick. Keep the mind free and open even while sucking the life out of the animal. A more evolved and higher minded tic.

Well, that is one way to put it. Cynical but I get your point.

I am still living the life of a white, middle-class, male even tough my mind may not be preoccupied with all of the typical bourgeois preoccupations.

Yes. And this is a good thing. It is a way that you can remain somewhat free even while confined in the suffocating middle-class paradigm. While keeping your mind as free as possible from mundane, bourgeois preoccupations- possibly you can experience great ideas, high levels of creativity and some joy. You can avoid becoming an ant.

It is possible. Maybe.

Ok. Well, I think we have talked long enough. Go take care of your domestic responsibilities. Go exercise. Go do what you have to do to survive. But see if you can keep your mind free of bourgeois preoccupations while doing so.

Ok. Will do.

And don’t smoke too much pot.

I won’t. Just three hits a day to keep the pain and irritation away.

If you feel like this is what you need to do, then ok.

When I told my wife that I was going to stop smoking marijuana her eyes opened wide and she said, “NO! Please don’t! You just need to learn how to manage your use and only use small amounts each day.”

I guess she thinks you are easier to tolerate when using marijuana?

I think so. Kind of sad isn’t it?

It is what it is. For now, let it be your medicine not your vice.

Makes sense.

Ok. Well hope you have a pleasant day white, middle-class, male.

Thanks. Don’t forget. You are also a white, middle-class, male.

Yes. I know. But I am able to handle it a lot better than you. I don’t make such a big deal about it. It is what it is.

Ok O-Wise-One.

 

 

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Art And Ideas. Conversation #34.

I spend a lot of money on art.

You mean like buy paintings?

No. I don’t buy paintings. I don’t spend that kind of money on art.

So what do you mean?

I spend money on more obscure, strange, underground forms of art?

Like what?

Contemporary independent novels, obscure records, experimental cassette tapes….

Cassette tapes? Cassette tapes are still around?

Yes. They have made a huge resurgence. Lots of independent, experimental, strange and remarkable “music” is being put out on cassettes. It’s wonderful.

Interesting. So you spend a lot of your money on these cassettes and books and records?

Yes. They are my life-line. They keep me from stepping in front of a train. It sounds silly, but really, they feed my hope, my creativity, my soul, my sense of what is possible. It is like two people having a good conversation underground. These records, books and cassettes fill me with ideas that keep me going.

Do you think that it is because you are so isolated from humans that you depend so much on art?

Probably. Or maybe I just find the artistic expressions of human beings more interesting and inspiring than the humans who make them. I don’t know. But these forms of art really do give me a deeper sense of meaning. They make the existential pain easier to tolerate. It is good to know that there are people out there creating these sort of things. Gives me some kind of connection to a world I want to be apart of. The world of work, popular entertainment, politics, news- it is just so filled with banal ideas. Ideas are so important. It is the substance that we are made out of.

Ideas?

Yes. Our souls are made out of ideas. The more banal our ideas, the less substance we have.

I see.

The world of art given to me through these books, cassettes and records- this is a world that I love. It is a world I feed from. I’m very grateful to these people for creating these remarkable ideas.

Makes life less boring?

Possibly. Fills life with more magic and awe. I am very grateful for the independent art that grows out of counter cultures. It is my psychiatric medication. It is my addiction. It is my best friend. It is my religion. It is what I value. It is my hallucinogen. It is my lover. It is my space travel. I really do not know what I would do with out it. I am grateful to have discovered it. It keeps something very important in love inside me. I really don’t know how others live without it.

Yes. You are lucky to have found this. Erasmus said, “When I have a little money, I buy books; and if I have any left, I buy food and clothes.”

Yes. I have always liked this.

What are you listening to now?

I am streaming a cassette tape by Sparkling Wide Pressure called ‘Answerer’ on Bandcamp.

Good.

Yes. Yes. Just made me realize how much I appreciate this stuff. I look as forward to a trip to the book or record store as a Jesus lover must look forward to going to church.  I know it sounds dramatic but this stuff helps me hurt less.

Good. Keep listening and reading. Keep exploring.

Yes. You too.

I will.

Good.

The Man Who Did Not Want To Get Dressed. Conversation #34.

I have been home since Wednesday.

But today is Monday! You have not left your house since almost a week ago?

That is correct.

Why?

I am not sure. I have wanted to go out. I have planned on going out. But I have just not gone out. I have barely gotten dressed.

Has your wife said anything to you about this?

No. She seems to be ok with it.

Hmmm. Most “normal” people seem to go out all the time. We are a society of people always going somewhere. Everyone is doing something unless they are sick in bed. Why do you think you have chosen to remain home?

I think I want to avoid the outside world. I do not want to be around the masses. I prefer to stay away from other human beings. I like sitting on benches and eyeing attractive women as they walk by. Looking at their legs, behinds, breasts, faces- but I have not even been doing this. One evening my wife and I went out to get frozen yogurt but she ran in to get the yogurt. I remained in the car the entire time and watched all the people walk by.

So you are just isolating yourself from other humans?

Yes. I think so. I do not trust them. I do not like them. I think the vast majority of them are cattle. A mass of idiots. They are not to be trusted. Most are ugly to look at. I prefer to stay out of their hair.

By hair you mean human society?

Yes.

I see. Don’t you think these judgements are a bit harsh?

Probably. But it is true. Three to four days a week I have to sit in an office and maintain deep conversations with these individuals. I have to talk to each one of them for an hour at a time and work hard to pretend like I really care (which, I don’t). This is my work as a psychotherapist. I am like a hooker who has to pretend to really want and enjoy what the man is giving her. If a hooker works 3 or 4 days a week, I am pretty sure that she will probably not want to have sex on her days off. In fact, I am pretty sure that she will avoid the mass of humanity because she probably despises them.

Why do you think she despises them?

Probably because of the role that they have forced her into. The fact that she has to pretend to really enjoy and want the sex and then she can get paid good money for it would be enough to make anyone despise the human beings who participate in creating and maintaining this kind of system.

And have not we all participated in creating this kind of system?

What do you mean?

A system where we all pretend in order to get paid?

Yes. For the most part. It is a truly terrible thing. It has turned us in to very shallow and superficial human beings. I prefer not to be a part of it anymore than I already have to. I go out and hunt. I play pretend. I earn the money I need to earn to maintain my life. Then I return home and do not go back out until I have to do the same thing all over again. This is my life. I am a hunter and gatherer.

You are a man that does not want to get dressed. Lets face it. Your life is much simpler than a hunter and gatherers life. Much simpler. You just like to play the victim.

Maybe. If I do like it, I am not doing it on purpose. I don’t know what this painful feeling that comes over me every time I have to go to work is. I don’t like it and wish it was not there. This painful feeling makes me what to medicate with marijuana. Marijuana takes the ouch away. I don’t really understand why this feeling is so painful on Monday mornings.

Because you have the work week ahead. Because you have to leave your house. Because you have to go pretend to like doing something when you do not want to really be doing it. Because you are not able to accept and make peace with your life as it is and just enjoy it!

Just enjoy it?

Yes just enjoy it! It is what it is man. Make peace with it and just enjoy it.

It is what it is? Enjoy it?

Yes.

I am not so sure I know how to do that. It is almost like telling someone who is locked up behind bars to just enjoy their day.

Oh god. Don’t be so dramatic. You are hardly locked up behind bars.

I don’t agree. I think I am. The difference is that the prison looks pretty nice from the outside. It is on the inside that I feel stuck. Locked in.

I see. So you would rather just not get dressed and stay home and isolate from the outside world?

I suppose yes. Under the current conditions. I like going out with my wife and going to book stores, record stores, restaurants, bars and occasional sex parties. But outside of this, yes- I do not want to be around other human beings. I want to be home. I want to read and listen to music. I want to drink wine and occasionally smoke weed. I want to write and make art. I want to sit in the sun and hang out. I just want to be left alone to do the work I want to do and to live a more authentic life.

I understand. But this will not pay your bills.

I get it. That is why I go do what I have to do to get paid. I pretend to like it. I feel bad about pretending to like it because I feel like I should like it! But whatever. It is what it is and I don’t feel like there is any alternative option in my near future.

Must be tough going through this at age 45!

Look, I think most people are going through this at every age. I am just vocal about it.

What is that famous quote?

Most people live lives of quiet desperation?

Yes. That one. It is a big part of the human condition. Even Elvis went through this. How we have created our society just goes against fundamental human needs. We have built our society backwards. We have gotten it all wrong when it comes to creating authentic human happiness. It is a very dysfunctional system that we all swim around in. It is not conducive to human health.

So you isolate.

I do.

Not sure that is very conducive to human health.

It gets me by.

I think what you have is called the Kafka Syndrome.

What do you mean?

You want to live one kind of life but you have to live another, less satisfying kind of life. Both lives are in direct opposition to the other. Kafka had to work as a lawyer but wanted to be a writer.

Yes. This is the syndrome. Did you just make that up?

I did.

Thats a good one.

Thanks.

I have to go exercise and then shower and get dressed. I don’t want to get dressed, but I have to get dressed.

Well, good luck today.

Thanks. I am sure I will feel better when the day is over and I can drink some wine.

Probably.

Hope so.

Yes.

The Poem Killer. Conversation #33.

I didn’t want to kill a poem!

So why did you do it?

I was just trying to be silly.
Your wife was sitting naked in the garden minding her own business. She was deep in thought trying to write a poem. Didn’t you see this?

I did. But she was writing the poem on her iPhone. I didn’t know what she was doing.

But she told you she was writing a poem.

Yes.

And still you continued to loudly slurp the water you were drinking and you purposefully chewed the bagel with your mouth open making lost of loud chewing sounds.

I was just trying to be silly.

But you know that she hates it when you make loud chewing and slurping sounds.

Yes.

So you purposefully tried to kill her poem!?

No.

You did not take her writing a poem seriously. You thought it was a joke. As a result you frustrated her and caused her to lose connection with the poem she was writing.

I guess I did. But I didn’t want to kill her poem! That was not my intention!

Well you killed it. You pissed her off so much that she managed to lose her train of thought.

It is Sunday. I was just trying to be silly.

It was not cool man. You were being a jerk.

I was just messing around!

You killed her poem.

I’m a poem killer?

Today your are.

That’s not want I want to be. I left her alone in the garden so she can continue writing. I told her to focus and the poem will come back.

Hopefully it will. Stay away from her for a while. Leave her alone. Let her try and resuscitate the poem.

Ok. I will.

You don’t want being a poem killer hanging over your head.

No I do not.

Not good karma for your literary career.

No. Not at all. The last thing I want to kill is a poem.

Then just shut up. Leave her alone.

Ok. I will go in the house now.

Make the bed.

Ok.

The Psychotherapist Loser. Conversation #32.

You are an accomplished experimental musician, writer, illustrator and painter.

No, I am just a psychotherapist loser.

That also. But there are lots of psychotherapists who live double lives. I knew one therapist who was also deeply into the occult and black magic. She wrote books on the occult and was involved in all kinds of radical black magic groups.

Yes, I am sure there are these therapists as well.

But you still feel like a psychotherapist loser?

I am.

Yes.

It is just such a typical profession. Very dull and average. The fact that you need permission from the state in order to do your job (A License) just makes it even more average.

Yes, I suppose in many ways it is pretty typical.

Bourgeois.

Yes. Being a psychotherapist cab be very bourgeois, clinical, mundane.

The opposite of eccentricity, creativity, being out of the box and forging your own path.

So this is why it makes you feel like a loser?

Yes in many ways. I couldn’t succeed in more unconventional, out of the box ways so I have to do this. Being a psychotherapist is playing it safe.

Yes. It is a very traditional profession but you knew this going into it! Why are you complaining now?

Look. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how I could make a living in more unconventional ways without also having to work more subservient jobs (being a waiter). So I freaked out. I played it safe. Now here I am.

So you should take responsibility for your decision.

I understand. I do. But does not mean it is not difficult being a loser.

By loser you mean that life is like a game? Some win and some end up playing it safe- the losers?

Yes. Most people are losers. The vast majority do not succeed at this game. Even the people who are professionally and economically stable/wealthy are losers because they did not succeed at taking big risks and doing what they really wanted to do.

I see.

I work with these people every day. They deal with severe anxiety and depression as a result of playing it safe. They feel trapped in a life that has no real meaning for them. They go in and out of states of despair.

Like you.

Yes. I suppose this is why I can be helpful for them. I suppose this is why they come see me. I can relate. I tell them we are in the same boat. I know what it feels like and it makes these people who are hostages in their own life feel better when they realize they are not alone.

So your work as a psychotherapist has some meaning. You are a loser who is able to console and help other losers deal with the Existential Pain of being a loser.

Yes. I suppose this is a big part of my job description. This is what I spend a lot of time doing. Empathizing and relating to and with the other losers. Loser to loser. Two losers sitting together in a small room.

But you would rather be a winner?

Yes! I would much rather be writing, making music and art for a living. This is what I want to be doing but have to go do something that I do not want to be doing to make a living. Makes it even more painful knowing what an average profession it is. The fact that I need to be licensed by the state (BIG DADDY) in order to work legitimately, goes against all of my anarchistic and radical value systems.

I can understand this. Must be very humbling. But you are doing good work. Just like you tell your loser clients- maybe something will happen for you. Just keep doing your work. Keep doing what you love doing. Don’t give up. Maybe eventually something will happen.

It is possible, yes. But the stuff I create is so obscure and odd that I don’t think anything will come of it. We live in a culture that has been deeply dumbed down by media, social media, Youtube and popular entertainment that I don’t think what I do has much economic potential.

Maybe not. But who knows. Just keep doing it. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Stay with it.

Yes. But still I am a psychotherapist loser.

Yes. But at least you can help other losers as a psychotherapist loser.

I specialize in Existential Pain.

Yes. It is real pain. It is the pain that drives people to take their own lives.

Yes. I help people manage this pain.

You do and you are good at it.

Because I am also a loser.

Hey, it’s something. Being a psychotherapist loser does have some value.

I suppose. I just hope this is a temporary thing. That I do good work for now but that I do not have to keep doing this work for the long term. My hope is that something else will come along. One of my creative ventures may work out. Working with people in Existential Pain day after day, week after week, it just wears on me. It is a heavy burden to help carry.

Yes. But this is why you take several days off a week. This is why you read, write, make music and draw. Helps you to detoxify from the burdens of your job and come back into a more balanced and creative state.

Yes.

So it is Sunday again. I believe I said this last Sunday. Just try and go easy. Relax. Rest. Don’t think about the week ahead. Drink a few beers. Enjoy some weed. Go for a long walk. Read. Spend quality time with your wife. Just enjoy your life in the present moment today.

But the moment I am in the present moment that moment is already in the past.

Don’t think about it so much. You know what I mean. Just be present. Be here. Don’t think about things like being a psychotherapist loser. Leave that for tomorrow. Just be a human being who is present in his life right now.

Ok. Fair enough. This I can do today. Step by step.

Yes.

Thanks for talking.

No problem.

Enjoy your Sunday.

You too.

Saturday Night Dive. Stoned Conversation #31.

Here I am on a Saturday night in my backyard writing studio, stoned and walking around with a black composition notebook in my right hand trying to kill the flies that have snuck into my space.

I thought you were not going to kill flies anymore?

I’m not happy about it, but I can’t stand them. Pacing around with my black composition notebook in my hand I feel slightly similar to what it would feel like to be a crazed psychotic walking around with a knife in his hand looking for someone to slay. Like Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shinning. But I am just going after flies here.

You get some sort of strange satisfaction, when after a long chase and lots of missed swings with your composition notebook, you finally hit one?

Yes. It is a good feeling. But I also feel bad when I see the fly lying dead on the floor. But then my dog will eat it and I no longer feel so bad. It is what animal creatures do- kill and eat.

True. So this is what you are doing with your Saturday night.

Looks like it. This is my fun for the evening- swatting flies and smoking weed alone in my backyard writing studio. It is frustrating.

What is frustrating about it?

I want to be doing more. I want to have some sort of interesting nightlife. I want to be out socializing with people and looking at beautiful girls, maybe even having a kinky sexual experience, but I am home on a Saturday night. And you know, I don’t even really need to have a kinky sexual experience, it would just be nice to be doing something that I felt was interesting or engaging on a Saturday night.

And you can…….. where are you going?

After a fly. One second please.

…….

Son of a bitch. As I was typing and the son of a bitch flew into my face like he is taunting me. I went to look for it but can’t find it. Son of a bitch is messing with me. I am going to look again. One second.

Pacing around your writing studio on a Saturday night, with a black composition book in your right hand, looking for the fly you want to kill. Flattering man.

I can’t find it but I think my dog may have eaten it.

Delicious.

Yes. Hang on. I am going to smoke some more weed.

You are going to really let yourself get even more stoned?

It’s Saturday night.

………

………….

………………….

So like I was saying (coughing, coughing) I just feel like my nightlife is radically dissolving. I am home most Saturday nights. I am home most nights. I really don’t go out anywhere at night anymore. This is fine but Saturday nights are different.

How?

Saturday nights are filled with all kinds of potential and possibilities. Anything can happen. Saturday evenings are for throwing off the worries of the world and just letting yourself go. Play, explore and have fun. There is just so much potential for reckless fun and abandon on a Saturday night and every Saturday night that I stay home I feel like it is yet another wasted opportunity. I am getting older and don’t have too many more opportunities to waste before going out and having fun on a Saturday night is no longer a possibility because I am just too old.

So you feel you are running out of time?

In a sense. Running out of time to have a certain kind of debauched Saturday night experience. I still look young enough that I can attract a wide spectrum of younger ladies, but who knows how much longer this will last. I am still in good enough health where I can go out, indulge and stay out late. Besides it is healthy to go out and blow off steam. That is what Saturday nights are for. When you don’t go out and blow off steam- it just bottles up inside. I notice I have become an angrier more depressed man since I stopped going out on Saturday nights.

I would agree. So then why don’t you go out?

I don’t know. There really is nothing to do. Nothing seems to be happening. I am sure there are many places I could go but I would have to spend a good amount of money, drive there and, well…I don’t know why I don’t make more of an effort to go out.

Because you are getting old?

No. I guess I just don’t know what to do. I am bored. I have not much energy to motivate. I don’t know what the problem is.

So you end up in your studio looking for flies to swat on a Saturday night?

Pathetic?

Maybe a bit.

I feel like successful people, people who have made it in the world, they are out most Saturday nights.

This may be true. I wouldn’t know since we don’t know any famous people.

Also- I am frustrated with my wife because I feel like she should make more of an effort to look into more interesting things for us to do. I suppose she does sometimes but not as much as I would like.

But she is 32. She has many more Saturday nights that she can waste. Time is of the essence for you. Soon you will be old and Saturday night’s will no longer be as much fun.

Maybe. We don’t know this. I am sure plenty of people in their 50s and 60s have plenty of reckless Saturday nights.

Maybe.

Maybe you should embrace the fact that you have had your fun? You went out almost every Saturday night in your 20s and 30s. Maybe now it is time to begin to settle down into a more contemplative life?

I am trying but I still feel this longing, this desire to blow off steam on a Saturday night.

I understand. Any more flies?

The studio is quiet. I guess my dog did eat the fly. I ate frozen yogurt with almonds this evening. Now I have gas.

Thanks for that needed detail.

Sure.

You stoned?

I am. I want to be more stoned. I want to get really stoned. Super stoned. Then I will watch porn. I will have a great orgasm. Then I will walk around my backyard doing deep breathing exercises. This is how I will blow off steam.

I thought you were not going to watch porn anymore?

It’s Saturday night. If there was ever a night for pornography, it is Saturday night.

I see. Well you might want to wait for your wife to go to bed.

Yeah. I don’t think she would mind if she caught me watching porn. I think that she would think it was funny.

You don’t think she would be jealous that you were not being sexual with her on a Saturday night?

Maybe. But we had sex the other night so I think we are cool.

You guys had sex!? Really?

Yup.

How was it?

Good. I felt a bit uncomfortable but I pushed through it. Literally.

Haha. Well good. I am glad you both finally had sex!

Yes. When I orgasmed it felt so strong that I thought it might come out her nose and ears.

Wow! That is a lot of thrust.

Yes. I was happy to be orgasming inside a female sexual organ. It is much different then with your own hand.

This is true. Very true.

Anythings else?

Did you say anythings to be clever?

As opposed to what?

Anything.

I see. I just say anythings sometimes. It is a plural question, meaning maybe you had more than one thing more you wanted to talk about.

No. I am good. I am just noticing that my Saturday night nightlife is taking a massive dive. It is unfortunate but ultimately I am the one who is isolating myself. I just need to accept this. I want to go out but am really not doing much to make it happen.

I see.

I’ve just become incredibly anti-social.

You don’t want to be around people. This is true.

Not unless they are naked and willing to do kinky sexual things or are playing musical instruments. Otherwise yes, I would like to avoid socializing with most people. I find most people incredibly stupefying and dull.

Do you think other people think this of you?

Some probably do since I am just not really interested in opening up with other people.

So they find you dull and boring?

Probably so.

I see.  Going to smoke more weed?

I am. Then I am going to listen to music.

Then you will watch porn and walk around in your backyard?

Maybe.

Inculcated.

What?

Nothing.

Why did you use that word?

I don’t know. Slipped out. Sorry.

Strange man. Inculcated. Really? That word just slipped out?

Happens.

Ok.

We done here?

Yes. I think we have said enough.

Inculcated. Really?

Really.

 

*Sorry, I have just returned to edit this.

Ok. What’s up?

I have decided to  just go to sleep. I feel suddenly tired.

Going to bed sounds like a wise idea.

I’m going bed.

Ok. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

 

 

 

My Stunted Sex Drive. Or, How Fathers Mess Up Their Kids. Conversation # 30.

There is something I have been thinking about.

What is that?

It is a difficult topic to talk about. I can’t seem to figure it out.

Ok. What is it?

Well. I am not sure. It is difficult to describe.

Try.

I feel like my sex drive is stunted. I have experienced this problem for my entire adult life. When I get into a relationship with someone I just lose interest in having sex with them.

Hmmm.

Yes. For example. My wife. Last night she came on to me. She was dressed in a sexy bra and sexy thong underwear. She looked hot. her hair was long and curly. One breast was popping out of her bra. Most men would pay a lot of money to have sex with her. She is beautiful and excellent in bed (gives the best oral sex I have ever had). But I looked down at my phone and said I was tired. It was not that I was not horny. If my wife was some girl I did not know I would have probably been way into it. But because it was my wife I looked down into my phone and said I was tired. I said it was too late at night. I gave the impression that I did not want to be bothered.

What the hell is wrong with you man?

I know. It is a terrible condition. She offers me oral sex all the time and I decline. I am just not interested.

Was your sex life with her ever good?

Oh yeah. In the beginning we had sex all the time. It was great! Best sex I have ever had by far. The sex was so good that I left my wife at the time to be with my current wife.

I recall that in your previous marriage, when you met your current wife, you had not had sex with your then wife in something like two years?

Yes. At least. I was not at all interested in having sex with my ex-wife. But with my current wife I thought it would be different. I loved having sex with her. I thought I would finally be able to maintain a good sex life with my partner, something I had never been able to do before. But the same thing has happened again. I have not had sex with my current wife for months. We had a threesome but she had sex with another woman and I watched. The other woman gave me oral sex. I was much more interested in the other woman than I was in my wife. I really don’t understand this because my wife is very sexually attractive. It is not that I am not attracted to her.

You sure?

I am. I think she is very attractive. I mean things change when you live with someone. You smell their poops. You see them picking their nose. You become well acquainted with all of their imperfections. But am I really that superficial that these things would matter? Because I see my wife picking her nose or smell her pooping in the bathroom or see her all disheveled in the mornings- would that really take away my sexual interest?

It could. Maybe.

I really do not want to believe that I am that superficial. That I am that guy who dehumanizes woman by overly objectifying them. That I can only get turned on by women whose imperfections I do not know. Could it be true that I am that guy? That the moment I smell a woman’s poop I lose interest in her sexually?

I know this may be a difficult truth to admit about yourself but it could be true. Possibly. Maybe you really are that sexually shallow. Look at that other woman whom you and your wife had a threesome with a year ago. You thought she was so hot but the moment you read her comment on Facebook about how she is someone who farts and burps a lot- you lost all interest in her. All desire for her has gone away.

Jeeze. Yes. This is true. So I am not sexually interested in my wife because I am well aware of her imperfections?

Maybe. Could be.

Man.

This is why you like prostitutes, porn and strippers. You can objectify these women. You do not know their physical or psychological imperfections. They can be complete sex objects for you. You can be turned on by this but the moment they fart or you notice their feet stink- your interest goes away.

This is frustrating. I don’t know what I can do about this. I don’t understand how I became this way. I mean I love women. I have always loved the female body ever since I was a young kid. I have lusted after naked female bodies for as long as I can remember- but it is true that the moment I see or smell their imperfections I begin to lose interest.

But there is a catch.

What?

You know that if your wife had an affair with someone else or if she left you, that you would immediately desire her sexually again. THE SMELL OF HER POOPS AND HER PICKING HER NOSE WOULD NO LONGER MATTER. YOU WOULD STILL DESIRE HER.

I know! It is true. This has happened to me in the past.

So maybe there is an emotional component here also. Maybe it is not just physical. Maybe it is not physical at all. Maybe it has to do with a woman being emotionally needy of you. Your wife is emotionally needy of you. She needs things from you. A prostitute, stripper or porn actress needs nothing from you. Pure sex. But because your wife needs something from you, you pull away and shut down sexually. It freaks you out. Your harden up.

This makes sense. I do feel this happening whenever she becomes emotionally needy.

Emotions (other than anger) scare you. Her needing from you causes you to pull away. This is how you sabotage your relationships. Pulling away and hardening up again and again.

But why the fuck do I do this?

Were you molested when young?

No. Not that I know of.

Was your father or mother emotionally needy?

My father was very. Creepily so.

Hmm. This could be it.

What?

It is fear.

Fear of what?

Your father being so creepily emotionally needy. It freaked you out and you shut down. Now whenever your body and brain detects any hint of this you still have the same reaction. You shut down. Being vulnerable with another human being becomes very frightening.

Being vulnerable! That is it! I am terrified of being vulnerable.

So then it is an emotional issue?

Yes. The physical imperfections probably factor in as well but I like to think that if I am attracted to a woman I can get beyond that. But it is this vulnerability. This having to open up when my body and brain just reflexively shut down- this is what is really hard and scary.

Yes. And so it is much easier for you just to pretend to not be interested even though you really are. You are cheating yourself out of lots of fun sexual experiences.

And I am cheating my wife out of them as well.

This is why you can be sexual with her if you are at a sex party or if other people are involved. Takes some of her attention and neediness off of you and makes it easier for you to open up.

So fucking true.

Yup.

So this is what it really is. When someone is really emotionally needy of me it creeps me out. I harden up and shut down. I am too afraid of remaining open and vulnerable because my father was so creepy. This is why I become sexually stunted in serious relationships. The more serious the relationship the more needy and emotionally dependent a person becomes. This is why if my wife left me or had an affair, her emotional neediness would be taken off of me and put on to someone else. This would then cause me to be able to no longer be creeped out, open wide towards her and I would feel incredible sexual desire towards her. I would desire her so intensely it would burn me up inside.

Yes, because she no longer emotionally needs you!

This is a terrible affliction. Just screwed up. My father and his creepy emotional neediness really messed me up.

He did. But it was not intentional. He is just a really messed up man.

Yes. I know. I don’t want to sabotage my marriage. I love my wife very much and do not want to gradually force her to be interested in someone else so that I can then be sexually interested in her again!

This would be your pattern.

I know!

You need to be willing to force yourself to open up. To say yes. To be sexual when everything in your body wants to shut down. You really are going to have to push yourself to do what does not feel comfortable or natural or easy.

I know. It will be hard but I will give it a try tonight. I will try and push through the wall.

Ok. So do we have this one figured out for now? Once again, the problem is not her. It is you.

Yes.

You are a mess my friend.

I know.

Well in some ways. In other ways you have a lot of things figured out.

Thanks. I need to think about this more, but I think I am really starting to better understand why I get so sexually stunted. Thanks.

Sure.