Are you going to complain again?
I don’t see this as complaining. I am just talking about particular issues in my life. I think it is important to do.
Just helps to create more clarity and understanding within. It allows me to sort out various things I am thinking and feeling.
So what are you dealing with now?
I’m a bit frustrated. I was just sitting in my living room with my wife. We were reading our books and drinking our morning cup of coffee. I then told my wife that I was up all night worrying about my business failing. Worrying about not being able to make enough money to get by.
Wasn’t she trying to read and enjoy her morning coffee?
So why did you put this on her then? Isn’t it a bit early in the morning for such heaviness?
Maybe so. I just wanted to talk about what I was feeling. Maybe I said too much.
What did you say?
I was just telling her how I was thinking about how unfair it is that there are a lot of people in the world making a lot of money doing the thing that they want to do. Artists, writers, musicians, architects, business people and on and on all making an excellent living doing the thing they presumably love to do. I on the other hand am not making very much money doing the thing that I do not really want to be doing. Just doesn’t seem fair, even though I know life is not fair and it is the way it goes.
Why do you not want to be doing what you are doing for work?
It is just not what I would ideally be doing if I had a choice. I feel like I am doing it because it is the easiest and most secure thing for me to do at the moment. Maybe I am doing it because fear keeps me from doing anything else. It is not so bad what I do. I do not hate it but it is hard and not a lot of fun. I am trying to get into it. Trying to embrace it but now that my business is beginning to fail I feel like I need to devote more time, energy and effort trying to get my business up and running again. I need to put more energy into doing the thing that I do not really want to be doing in the first place because I need the money.
So now that you are not making much money at doing the thing that you do not want to be doing you have to spend a lot more time and energy building back up the thing that you do not really want to be doing?
Yes. And I also need to be worrying about not being able to make money doing the thing that I do not really want to be doing. Now all of a sudden I really want to be doing more of the thing that I do not want to be doing so that I can make more money doing it and have more financial security as a result.
I see. So now you need the thing that you do not want to be doing because if you do not have the thing that you do not want to be doing you will lose your financial security and possibly your social status as a result.
Yes. And then I may have to go work another job, which will just be a thing that I do not want to be doing even more so and then the thing that I do not want to be doing now will become something that I wish that I was still doing because it is better than the thing I have to do now.
I get it. So it is almost like you are lucky to be doing the thing that you are doing now even though it is not the thing you want to be doing. Like a prisoner who is lucky to be in his cell because he could be seriously harmed if he was allowed to roam free.
Yes. I suppose that is accurate. I am lucky to be imprisoned in the way that I am because there are so many worse forms of imprisonment out there. But I still do not enjoy or like being imprisoned.
Yes. And now that you feel like you could lose your jail cell you are feeling like you should be more grateful for the safety and security that your cell provides?
Yes. I feel like I may have taken it for granted and now I am paying the price and also have to work harder to get my cell back!
How messed up! So what happened when you tried to talk with your wife about all of this?
She listened for a few minutes but then said she had to go to the bathroom and that put an end to our conversation.
She did not want to hear it?
No. Obviosuly not. Probably gave her anxiety. Also she is a therapist and listens to people all day talking about their problems. I have noticed that she has little tolerance for my problems.
Yes. But you also always talk about your problems. That is most of what you talk about. Because you have no one else to talk too, she has to listen to all of it. She is probably just tired of hearing you talk about your problems.
Possibly. But I feel like she should still try and make an effort to listen. I realize I talk about problems a lot. I realize I worry a lot. But this is the person I am. I need someone to talk with about it. My wife just seems to have little interest in talking with me about these things.
How do you know?
Because when you start talking with someone about your thoughts and feelings, you can tell pretty immediately if they are interested or just want to get the conversation over with.
And you feel like your wife just wants to get the conversation over with?
Yes! Always. She is continually trying to fix my problems, telling me what I should do rather than just listening and talking with me about stuff.
Maybe you should take her advice rather than thinking that what she says is not possible. Maybe you should really try and take some of the solutions she offers.
Maybe. I always feel like things are not as easy as she makes them out to be! I have real problems that need to be worried about and understood. I feel like her solutions are often not practical.
So you want her to worry more?
No. I guess I just want her to be more aware of the problems and less easy going or less care free about everything. I need her to realize that us not having enough money is serious! She should cut back on spending. She should figure out how she could potentially make more money. She should be more worried!
So maybe you do want her to worry more?
Maybe so. Maybe worry is not always such a bad thing. Maybe worry is what can sometimes keep things from falling apart. I just want her to see the severity of this situation and be a bit more concerned rather than telling me things like “since you are working less you should take more time to write a book.” What???
I just think that you want her to be as upset and concerned as you are. This will make you feel more comfortable knowing that she is aware of these various threats. As a result of being aware of these various threats she will exercise more caution.
But this is not how she is. She is an easy going, non-worrying, “it is all good” kind of person.
It drives me nuts sometimes.
I am sure. It drives you nuts because…….
Because I feel like she should be more threatened. It is always the creatures who feel threatened and worried who tend to survive. Those walking around thinking “its all good” tend to be the ones who are eaten.
Survival of the fittest?
Yes. I suppose that the worriers are often the fittest.
They are the ones who survive?
I don’t know man. I think the worriers stress themselves out immensely and can as a result cut their existence short. But it is true that someone who does not worry, is not really stressed about much and does not take many precautions could also cut their existence short. It is hard to say if the worrier is more likely to survive than the non-worrier. But I will say that the non-worrier, even if they do not survive for as long, will have a much more pleasurable time living.
This is probably true.
No one lives forever. Everyone must go. Wether it is at 90 or 40, it always feels like it has ended too soon. So if the non-worrier passes away at 40 at least they lived a more pleasurable life than the worrier who make it to 90 and still has to pass away anyways.
I think I see what you are saying. You mean it is about quality over quantity?
Yeah. I guess you could say that. It is all relative right. Whether you are 40 or 90 when you pass away, it will still be right now. It will still feel like it is too soon. The quantity will be irrelevant if the quality was not good. If the quality was good than the quantity does not matter nearly as much.
So your wife is more concerned about the quality. When you bring up all these problems and worries of yours you are interfering with the quality of her life. She is just trying to sit there and enjoy her book and morning coffee and all of a sudden you spoil that for her. You corrupt the quality of her morning. It upsets her so much that it causes her to have to go have a bowel movement. You need to go easy. Her constitution is not designed to deal with all the worries and problems that are a daily part of your life. You need to really try and keep a lot of your issues to yourself. It’s not fair to her because she just wants you both to be able to enjoy your lives together. That is her priority. Money and all that stuff is secondary.
I see. I guess that is why I started this blog.
Yes. Exactly. You have me to talk too. Stop putting it on her all the time. Your negativity can wear away at a person like her over time. She is not designed to handle such a continual onslaught of negativity, worry, problems, conflicts. Stop putting it on her.
You are right. You are right. I do need to knock it off. I need to really try and be more mindful about this. (Sigh.)
Take her advice. Take the time to try and improve your business. Work on your creative endeavors. Read your books. Stop worrying so much.
I do. Thanks.