Porn, Weed, Wine

Why are we talking about this?

I don’t really want to talk about anything right now. I just want to sleep and rest. I don’t have much energy in me.

Why?

Drank a bottle of wine last night, smoked some weed and was up late.

Sounds fun.

That is the thing. It wasn’t much fun. Feel like I was just passing the time. Spending too much money. My wife and I went to a bar in downtown LA. We had dinner. We went to a sex party. Dinner was nice but I could have done without the rest. When drinking and smoking weed I just feel like I am wasting time.

Why?

I am just hanging out, having stupid conversations. I just don’t like the way the whole thing feels. Feel like I am running away from boredom but the end result is that I feel like I am just wasting time. Plus, as much as I like the buzz, I never like how I feel when consuming wine. Feels yucky. I’m much happier without booze in my body.

You don’t drink that much.

Compared to a lot of drunks I don’t. But I have a dependency. I can’t help but drink regularly. It is how I relax. It is how I deal with my anxiety and get some relief. It is how I have a bit of fun. I need my wine to do this for me. I look forward to it. But I do not feel good about being dependent on something that I know is not good for me.

Are you dependent on weed?

No. I don’t smoke much. But I could become dependent real fast. If I start smoking weed regularly, I will need it everyday. Morning, noon and night. I could become dependent on weed quickly but I feel that at the moment I am not dependent on weed.

So why don’t you just use the weed recreationally and give up the wine?

I could. May not be a bad idea. But when I smoke weed, I am a lot more tired and out of it. I become more forgetful and am not as sharp. As a reader and writer I don’t like how it feels to be so mentally incapacitated. I feel like I should be taking supplements that help with clarity and focus. Weed doesn’t help with this. Just makes me feel more out of it. Unfortunately.

Why unfortunately?

I like weed and wine. I think these sorts of drugs are good. They open the mind. They take away the boredom. Sometimes they greatly reduce the anxiety. Weed and wine help me shed my inhibitions. Sometimes I just feel like a better person when using weed and wine. I don’t do any of these substances excessively. But that is not what I am worried about. It is the dependency that I do not like. Spending my entire day waiting to have the glass of wine or smoke weed, I don’t want to live like this.

I see. How was the sex party?

Not a lot of fun. Everyone there was really fat and under-educated. It was pretty sleazy. It was so bad that my wife was considering having sex with an older white man just because he looked like a child molester. She thought it could be kinky to have a degenerate sexual experience with this kind of person. This is how bad things were. When you are at a sex party and there is no one attractive there, you start to think up strange things in your mind so that you can rationalize having a sexual experience with someone whom you would never be attracted to normally.

Sounds creepy.

It was. We got out of there without any damage done. My wife went in the hot tub nude. Many men enjoyed looking at her body. She enjoyed being looked at. I sat in a chair and smoked weed. I looked around at all the fat people. I watched my wife talk with other naked people in the hot tub. I looked up at the night sky. I was bored and frustrated that no one attractive was there.

Why do you go to these sex parties?

To have fun. To have an interesting sexual experience. To challenge myself to be less sexually inhibited. To spice up my sex life with my wife.

Is it healthy?

I think it is. It is a way to keep my sex life interesting. My wife enjoys doing more out of the box sexual things. I enjoy it also- so why not?

Do you think your enjoyment of these kinds of transgressive sexual experiences is the result of watching porn?

Do you mean, do I think I have a sex addiction?

Sure.

I guess I do. Very moderate. Was certainly a lot worse when I was younger. Strip clubs, prostitutes every weekend. I have not been in a strip club in over ten years (even though I would not mind going). I watch porn for maybe ten minutes once or twice a week. I like to watch naked women doing sexual things. Nothing demented. I can see how watching porn perpetuates my desire or longing for these out of the box sexual experiences. Porn probably plays into my sexual fantasies and makes me long for kinky sexual experiences with various slutty women. I greatly appreciate beautiful, slutty women.

So in a sense, when you watch porn you are not being a husband to your wife?

What?

You heard me.

I don’t know if I would go that far, but maybe. Maybe it makes me less sexually interested in her. Maybe it makes intimacy with someone I love more challenging. I have a hard time seeing my wife as an object for my sexual fantasies. It is harder to get into it with her. She is beautiful and very sexually skilled but I have a hard time engaging with her in this way. Seems much easier when I do not know the woman. I am much more sexual when the experiences are random and I don’t really know the person.

This is probably because of porn. This is what porn teaches you.

It is possible. Very possible.

So you might want to consider giving up the porn and wine for a bit. Sounds like porn and wine just perpetuate your lack of well-being. Weed does not seem like such a problem for you. I can understand how you may not like the fatigue and lack of clarity that comes with smoking weed. But maybe you can indulge in weed once in a while but give up the porn and wine?

Porn and wine. My two favorite things! What would my life be like without them! Gosh sounds dull.

Ironically things would probably feel a lot better. You would probably be more productive and healthier. Maybe even happier.

It is possible. Ok, I will give up the wine and porn for 6 months. I am not going to stop having out of the box sexual experiences with my wife, but I will stop filling up on sexual fantasies supplied by porn. I do love looking at naked women though. It will be tough to give that up but maybe it will compel me to look at my wife naked more often.

6 months. Ok. Sounds like a good thing. Give it a shot. You can still masturbate, but just do it in your bathroom sink. Use your imagination rather than a computer screen.

True. Watching porn always feels shitty in the end. I try not to think about it, but if I am honest with myself, it feels bad. Jacking off with my pants down in front of a computer screen filled with random naked women doing sexual things, never feels good. It just gives me a momentray thrill. A break from the banality of my life.

I think we have said enough here. I think you know what to do.

6 months. No wine or porn. Maybe I will stop weed as well. Complete sobriety. Or maybe I will use weed moderately?

Go take a nap. Sleep on it. See what you think in an hour or so. We can talk more about this later.

Sounds good.

 

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Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

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