MY DISTURBED BRAIN (fear and loathing)

Why do you say this?

What?

That your brain is distrubed.

Because it is.

Why?

It is almost always working against me.

How?

Well……..Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with my brain racing. It was churning at a high speed. So many vertiginous thoughts happening one after the next.

Vertiginous. Thats a good word.

Pulled it out from nowhere.

Good job. Your mind can’t be that disturbed to think up words like that.

Defenestration.

Thats a good one also.

My favorite word.

Lets get back on track. So you woke up in the middle of the night with a brain running wild?

Yes. And it kept me up all night. Thought after thought after thought after thought.

This is weird since you are such an advocate for staying present and not getting caught up in thought.

I know. I tried all of my meditation techniques but they did not really work. May have made a subtle difference but did not work much. I realized that my brain is really disturbed. It just is continually sneaking off into the past and the future. It is always judging and worrying about what could happen in the future. It is continually resenting people and things that happened in the past. My brain causes me a great deal of worry, fear, anger, resentment and on and on. It seems to sabotage my well-being and contentment in the present moment.

Why do you think this?

It is just always what it is doing! It is messed up. I don’t want to drink. It starts to tell me how I should just have a few drinks. I don’t want to watch porn. It starts to remind me how great and fun watching porn is. It seems my brain is programed to work against me!

Hmm. Seems like your brain continually thinks of things in the future. You brain is preoccupied with what future event could be like. It has a very difficult time just staying right here, right now.

Yes. And not just that. I can not trust my brain. It is not rational. For example, yesterday I did not want to go to work. I often do not want to go to work. I think that I dislike my job. I loath it. Then I go to work and come home from work and realize that that was not so bad. Now I have some money. I think that I should be more grateful for the job I have. I should be more interested in it. Then I realize that I do not have as many clients as I would like. Various clients keep canceling on me. I am working less than I need to. So I wake up in the middle of the night worried about money. Worried about not being able to get enough clients. Worried that I will have to find a different job. Worried that I am not making enough money. Angry that clients are canceling on me.

Sounds like madness.

It is! One minute I loath going to work. Then I am terrified of not having enough work. I panic because I feel like my business is falling apart.

You would think you would be happy that you do not have to work as much right now!

I know! But I am not! I am worried about it. I have bills to pay! And then why do I always loathe going to work but after work I feel like I should have more gratitude and that I am so lucky to have the job I do? It is just craziness.

Sounds like you are very confused.

Obviously.

What is a better word for confusion?

Vertigo.

Yes. You have psychological vertigo.

Thanks. But can’t you provide me with any deeper insights than that?

All I can really do is agree with you that your brain is disturbed. I think you are correct. You may even have a slight mental illness. You need to meditate regularly. You need to get a good nights sleep. But most importantly my friend…..

Are we friends?

Yes, I think we are. I am just the wiser and more insightful part of you.

Ok.

Most importantly, you need to stay present. In this moment, right now, you are fine. You have a roof over your head, you have some work, you have your health, you have food. You are doing ok right now. Do not get too far ahead of yourself. I realize that you are making less money right now and that can feel scary, but you are ok. Let the past and the future go. You can worry, worry, stress about what the future is going to look like but you really do not have much control over how the future will play out. You don’t know that there will not be a major earthquake in twenty minutes that wipes everything out. Worrying about the future is useless. Your disturbed brain will project worst case scenarios into the future. It is like throwing a pebble into the ocean- you have no real clue where it will land. Don’t listen to your brain. Enjoy your life right now. Stay present. Practice what you preach.

Yes. I agree. It is just very difficult. Seems my brain sneaks off into the future or past without my permission. It causes my entire nervous system to freak out. Do you think this has anything with being Jewish?

I do. I think us Jews have a predisposition to unnecessarily freak out and see gloom and doom on the horizon.

Our brains are wired to worry.

Yes. But please. No Porn. No booze. Smoke a little weed if you want. Stay present. Really work on just being here right now and reminding yourself that everything is fine right now.

Moment by moment.

Yes, that is it. Take life moment by moment. Time for me to take off.

Where is it that you go when you are not here?

Far away from your disturbed brain. It ain’t much fun being in there when it is acting up.

I understand.

 

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Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

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