Why are you so pissed off?
I don’t know. I just woke up feeling this way.
It has to be the result of something.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. My wife had a friend over and they were talking late into the night. That was annoying. I am glad she had a friend over and was being social but it made it difficult for me to get to sleep.
You think this is why you are in a bad mood?
Maybe. I am also trying to quit drinking.
You quit drinking?
Yes. I just don’t want to drink anymore. At least not for a long time.
Why? You don’t drink that much?
No, I don’t drink that much but booze always makes me feel like shit in the end and I am tired of feeling like I am doing something that is not good for me. As much as I like drinking beer or gin, I always feel poisoned in the end. So I want to give it up for health reasons.
But I have had a tough time sleeping since giving it up. I think I may be going through some alcohol withdraws.
It is possible. You were drinking regularly for awhile, so this could be one part of it. I also know you have been worried about not making enough money at your job.
Yes this also. I am also annoyed that I don’t enjoy my job but have to do it because I need the money. I want to be able to like my job. I am trying. But every time I return home after being at work all day I am so relieved not to be at work anymore. I have a feeling that my dislike of my work is causing my business to suffer.
Also, I lead a large meditation group last night. Over fifty people. I talked a lot in the group. I talked the entire time. I talked about the value of living in the moment. I talked about why worry is such a useless emotion. I talked about how we are all going to be worm food in a matter of moments, days, weeks or years. I talked about how we should all just enjoy our lives now. How this is the most important thing. I used words like “fuck” and “bullshit” a lot. I talked a lot. People just looked at me. A room filled with wide eyes, looking right at me but no one said anything. I was just talking and everyone was just staring at me. It was awkward. I do not like to talk a lot. I do not like it when people are just looking at me. I don’t know what they are thinking. I wish someone would say something.
So you felt uncomfortable about the group. Maybe you feel like you did a bad job. Like you said too much?
Yes. I keep telling myself that I am not going to talk much. I will lead a guided mindfulness meditation, talk maybe just a bit and then let other people talk about their experience. If no one wants to say anything, then I will end the group early.
Why don’t you do this?
I don’t know! I always ended up talking too much! I want people to have a good experience. I want people to get something out of coming to the group. I want people to like me!
You want people to like you.
Yes. There. I said it. I don’t like it. I don’t want to care about whether people like me or not. I don’t want to have to work so hard to get people to want to keep coming back to the group. It is bullshit.
So you are pissed off that last nights group did not go like you wanted it to.
Yes. I went against what I know is best for me. Once again I worked too hard and said too much. Pisses me off. Also, I think I did not really want to lead the group. I am burnt out. Been doing it for three years. I’ve had enough. Was tough for me to get into. I was tired. I stumbled a bit at the beginning. This felt awkward. I do not like to mess up or feel incompetent in public. I think I felt this way a bit in the beginning of the group. Took me a bit to get into it.
I see. Well it is in the past now. Let it go. I am sure you did fine. Any other reason you are in a bad mood?
I have to go to work today. I don’t really know what I am going to do with my life. How am I going to break through and find a way to live the kind of life I want to live? On Friday I have to be interviewed by a news station. I do not want to do it. I do not want to talk any more about mindfulness. But I need the publicity. It could improve my business. So I have to smile and pretend like I really am interested in talking about mindfulness. Talking about mindfulness bores me. Listening to others talk about their problems all day bores me. I just don’t want to do it anymore but I must do it because I need to earn a living.
I am pissed off. I want to get high, have crazy debauched sex, drink, masturbate to porn.
None of this will help.
I know. That is why I am not going to do it.
Go for a walk.
Go for a walk?
Yes. Go for a walk. Bring your headphones. Listen to music you want to listen to. Just go for a walk.
Yes. Go for a walk now. Right now. It will help. Get out of your head MR. MEDITATION TEACHER.
Haha. Jerk. Ok. I guess I will go for a walk.
Yes. Do it.
Ok. I am going to go for a walk now.