Hi! How are you!
I am ok but I never know how to answer that question.
What do you mean?
You are exactly right.
Right about what?
What do I mean? When I answer that canned question I really do not know what I mean. I most often feel like I do not know if I mean what I am saying. In fact, I often know that I do not mean what I am saying. Maybe this is why I do not like this question- my answer always feels false.
How are you doing now?
I am ok. It is Sunday afternoon. I have been lost inside my head all day. I spent the morning working in my garden. My wife did not arrive home from being out with friends until 6am, so she slept in.
6am! Wow. Were you upset?
Slightly but she does not do this often. I am glad she was out having a good time. She went to some DJ and acrobatic event in downtown LA. I guess it went on until 4am and then she hit a lot of traffic on the way home. I think I was upset because I thought she might have gotten it on with another guy or girl.
Would this upset you?
No. Well yes. What I mean is I am turned on by the idea of her having sexual experiences with other people. I like that, especially when I get to watch. But I would be upset if she did not ask me first.
I see. You thought she did something sexual without asking first?
Yes. That is where my mind goes. I see how it might kill the mood if she had to text me real quick beforehand to ask permission. I would just like there to be some sort of communication first.
So, how are you?
like I said, I am ok. I have some anxiety right now. I always have some anxiety. Feels like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and can fall of at any second. I am overly aware of my mortality. When I spend too much time alone, too much time in my head, this is the place I go to most often.
Does not sound fun.
I have always been this way.
Creates a lot of uneasiness inside me. I envy people who have no idea of their mortality. People who can live free from this feeling.
Why do you think your mind always goes to such a dark place?
Is it really a dark place or is it just a very aware place? Are not we all up against this edge?
It is aware. Yes it is a fate we all deal with moment by moment but it is dark because it makes your time alive fill with fear.
It is dark because it creates fear. Yes.
I often feel fear.
How about joy?
What does it mean to live with more joy?
To have no fear. When no fear is there joy is.
I see. Maybe this is why I very rarely feel joy. I get excited but I don’t think I ever feel joy.
Not much at all. Maybe I get close to it when meditating.
You do not meditate much.
Not as much as I probably should.
Do you feel like you probably should be doing a lot of things?
All the time.
This will take away joy as well.
Where are we going with all this?
Hi! How are you?
I am just trying to get a very honest answer from you this one time. I really want you to know how you are right now.
I see. Well, like I said, I am ok. It is a very hot Southern California day outside. Things are pretty quiet. I have some anxiety in my body and some thoughts of impending doom in my mind. But this is pretty much always the case. I am probably isolating too much. I am probably spending too much time lost in my head. This is never fun. I feel uneasy and hyperactive. I have to go to a wedding later today that I do not want to go to, but I realize it could be a lot worse. I am also just trying to focus on being present and not getting hung up on the future. This is not easy.
Yes, it is difficult for me.
This because your brain is hyperactive.
Yes. Too much sometimes.
It prevents you from finishing things. Too many things at once.
I am working on focus.
Work at it.
Work at it harder.
Finish the drawing you started TODAY.
Ok. I will put my mind to it. This is not really what I wanted to talk about today.
What did you want to talk about?
Pornography, smoking marijuana, the female naked body, my beard, my frustration towards myself, why I have not been able to succeed at being the person I want to be, my mental illness, why I got rid of my tv.
Lots of hyperactive stuff.
We can have these conversation at some other time. Today is Sunday. Go easy. It is a day of rest. Take it easy for both of us.
Yes. My wife just got home from the farmer’s market. I am going to see what she got.
Eat lots of vegetables.
If she got tomatoes I want to interview them before I eat them.
Ok. You do that weirdo.
I want to know what the tomatoes know.