Pissed Off Again. Conversation # I Forget What.

Pissed off again?

I swear if this iTunes icon at the bottom of my computer screen does not stop popping up every time I open my computer, I am going to scream.

Why don’t you just put in your password?

I don’t want to put in my password. I hate it when these icons and programs tell me what to do. Download this, sign in for that- I am sick of being bossed around by these programs and operating systems. I will download them or sign into them when I am ready. Not when they tell me to!

Ok, well they will keep popping up until you give in.

Bastards.

Man is not free when using technological devices. You must follow certain rules if you want to be left alone by these things.

Fuck.

Is this why you are pissed?

No.

What is it this time. I swear you get pissed off more than anyone I know. It is always something with you.

I know but things happen. I am not just getting pissed because I am some kind of crazy person. Shit happens that pisses me off.

Like what?

My wife is a mess. She does not care about keeping our home clean. If I try and tell her this she will just become defensive. She will not do shit! I am someone who needs a clean home. I need things to be in their right place. I need not to have beds left unmade, garbage cans overflowing with trash, laundry piled up on couches, cans left everywhere, crap scattered around on the floor, wet laundry left in the washing machine for weeks, dog shit piling up in the back yard, shoes i……

I am sorry to interrupt but look, we talked about this. You know that she tries to be clean but she is just not a clean, organized and tidy person. It is just not who she is. She can handle living with a mess.

I get it but I have told her hundreds of times what I need and I feel like she is just not making an effort to meet my need for a clean and organized home. I am not a tyrant. I do not demand perfection. Fuck- leave the floors dirty, I don’t care. But do something. When the house is a mess do something to clean it up.

I understand. It must be frustrating but it is obviously not her priority.

But why not? Is not our home a priority? Is not my health a priority? If things are a mess she knows I will get upset. Getting upset is not good for my health. If she just made a small effort rather than zero effort it would make a difference. I mean just empty the trash and I will do everything else. But just make some effort, show that you care.

I see.

But she always has some excuse. She does do it she says. Or she is busy and has stuff she has to do. But if me not getting upset, if my health and our home is not priority number one, what are we doing? And I am not asking for much. Just do something. When everything is a mess just straighten something up. Show me that you care. We have started driving the same car after selling her car to save money. I kept that car very clean. Now it is a mess. It is all out of sorts since she has been driving it more. I just don’t know what to do. It is a constant frustration.

I can imagine my friend. Must be very frustrating. Didn’t you do a three hour meditation retreat this morning.

Yes.

And you are already pissed off again?

After the meditation retreat my wife and I were driving to lunch. We got in an argument in the car.

You mean you got pissed off.

Yes. But for a reason. This started me down the road towards being pissed off.

Just after a meditation retreat?

Look, don’t rub it in. Fuck off about that ok?

What was the argument about?

Does it matter?

I am curious.

You were there!

But I want to hear it from you!

Look man, it was just a communication breakdown. We always have these communication breakdowns. I won’t go into details but she has a hard time communicating certain things to me and I get pissed off about it.

I see.

I just think she is a very forgetful person. I don’t know if it is because of all the LSD she did when younger or what but her ability to forget things should be studied by science.

There must be some health benefits in being able to just forget stuff.

I am sure there is but there is health hazards for the person who is in a relationship with a forgetful person. She just lives in her own world. She wants things the way she wants them. She becomes very defensive when she does not agree or things are not the way she wants them to be.

Can you give an example?

Two night ago she said she wanted to stop over eating. Last night she made us a wonderful dinner. We shared a bottle of red wine. When we sat down to eat she put a huge portion of food on her plate. I reminded her about what she said the night before and she got pissed that I would just not let her enjoy the meal in peace. Stuff like that.

I see. Are not you a similar way?

In a way. I am always getting pissed off because things are not done the way I want them done. Things are not the way I want. Yes, I guess we are the same like this. I suppose I am very difficult in this way also. I don’t know- we just don’t get along at all anymore. I don’t know what to do. Everything I see she gets pissed off about. She thinks I am always judging and criticizing her. Day in and day out. (BUT IT IS NOT BECAUSE I HAVE FUN DOING IT, SHE DOES STUFF THAT CAUSES ME TO REACT IN A CRITICAL WAY! SHE JUST WANTS TO DO WHAT SHE DOES AND HAVE ME SMILE, KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND JUST BE GOOD WITH EVERYTHING. DO NOT HOLD HER ACCOUNTABLE FOR THINGS SHE DOES AND SAYS. SMILE AND: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.) Things can be fine one minute and the next we are in a fight. Not screaming and yelling but hostile. I am pissed off. Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship. I seem to be horrible in relationships. I am a nice guy and am not harmful but I seem to be shit in a relationship. Always pissed off.

At one time you guys were very much in love. You got along great.

Don’t rub it in. I know. Its all changed. I am in the same fucking emotional place that I was in my last marriage. Shut down, pissed off, critical, closed off most of the time. Obviously I am no good at this relationship thing.

Obviously. It is pretty incredible that you have found yourself in the same emotional and psychological situation that you were in in your last marriage. It has been created all over again. Odd how that works.

I am the architect of my relationship failures?

In a way you are. You thought this time it would be different. You thought that your current wife would have more of a capacity to remain loving and tolerate your moods. But your bad moods can wear anyone down.

Well if she would just really try and be cleaner and more organized and less defensive things would be so much better!

You mean if she just took your shit?

Maybe I would not have as much shit to give if she would forget less and just make more of any effort to be clean, organized and to communicate. It is hard living with someone who is messy.

I don’t want to go back into this. I don’t know what to say. You just keep getting pissed off no matter how much you meditate. I know you love your wife but I agree it is tough for you to live with another person. It is a continual challenge. You are going to have to become a selfless, Buddhist monk in order to live in conjugal harmony with another person. Short of that I don’t know what to tell you. It is just the same thing over and over again. It’s not healthy for you. I wish I could solve this one for you, but I can’t. All I can say is that you need to learn how to get pissed off and then let it go. Stop carrying it around for so long! Just let it go as quickly as you can.

But then the issue does not get dressed. Things do not get resolved.

Doesn’t matter at this point. You can resolve stuff once you have let it go. Not before. You just need to get rid of the negative toxicity as quickly as you can.

I know. I am working on it. I suppose this is all I can do for now. When I get pissed, be willing to let it go as quickly as possible.

And let me tell you something else.

What?

The problem is not really your wife. It is in you. If you were not an unhappy and angry guy, a messy house would really not bother you so much. You are getting pissed because you are unhappy within yourself.

What?

It is true. A large part of the problem is you.

So when are you going to go take that hose outside and shove it up your ass?

I know it is hard to hear but I am telling you because I love you.

Seriously. Go shove it up your ass.

Go meditate again.

Go shove it up your ass.

Good talking with you this evening.

Thanks.

 

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Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

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