“Enjoy your morning,” she said to me with a bright smile.
That is nice.
No. I was annoyed. I was just sitting there reading my book. She was leaving to go teach a yoga class. What if I don’t want to enjoy my morning? Do I have to enjoy my morning? What if I am in a bad mood and don’t want to enjoy? Do I have to have this bright, smiling expectation placed upon me every morning? Sometimes I just wish she would say, “You don’t have to enjoy your morning.” Or, “Have a shitty morning.” Or just, “See you later.”
Why do you think this pisses you off so much?
Because I have a personality problem.
What do you mean?
I am fucked up. My brain is wired to be in a bad mood. Wired for negativity. It can not help but create constant emotional turmoil. Always in crisis. It is constant.
I see. So your chronic negative mood and always getting upset is the result of a personality problem?
Yes. It is a disability just like any other physical disability. The only difference is that this disability is often hidden from society because it can be. It has caused my life to be filled with continual upset, turmoil, stress, unhappiness, depression, chaos and on and on. It is a real problem.
I see. A personality disorder is defined as: a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behavior of a specified kind, typically manifest by the time one reaches adolescence and causing long-term difficulties in personal relationships or in functioning in society.
Yes. That is it. That is what I deal with except it causes me difficulty functioning in both relationships and society. Anti-Social-Borderline-Personality-Disorder is what I would call it if I had to give it a name. This is my main psychological illness and it also comes along with a heaping tablespoon of anxiety, ADHD and depression. I am fucked.
I know. When I think back to how many problems this has caused me in my life I am overwhelmed. It has been a continual stream of emotional and psychological turmoil. Constant. I have no doubt that I got this from my father. My mother has the anxiety and depression but my father has the extreme Borderline Personality Disorder mixed with extreme Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is a Sociopath. This is what I got from him. My father was and is an emotional mess. Always angry about something. Always upset that he is not getting the attention that he wants. Always pissed off and starting problems with me. Continually for my entire life. Nothing is ever good enough. Always upset. And to disguise (give someone or oneself a different appearance in order to conceal one’s identity) his real personality he has created this social persona that is MR. Nice And Wonderful Guy Who Has All His Shit Together And Is A Great Father/Husband And A Successful Loving Man. Truth is he is a complete asshole. A Class A jerk.
Kind of like you. You can be very similar to this.
I know. I like to think that I am not as much of a jerk but maybe. I don’t really scream and yell. I have never hit anyone. But I hate it.
So what are you going to do?
Well, first I needed to realize that the main reason why I am always pissed off and upset is not situational. It is an inner, psychological problem. It would not matter if I was Thom Yorke or a successful novelist with the exact life I have always wanted. I would still be pissed off and upset about something. It is the way I have always been and will probably always be. But I need to realize that the problem is not situational. I am not upset because of a messy house. If it was not the messy house it would be something else pissing me off.
I see. This is true because your life is pretty simple right now. You have a nice house with everything you could want. You have a decent job, only working three days a week. You are successful in your job. You have a loving, intelligent and sexy young wife and for the first time in your life you have some money but still you are always pissed off and upset!
Exactly. The problem is in my brain. Not outside my brain. I wish there was treatment for this sort of thing but I don’t think anything works really. Maybe I should smoke more weed. That may help. Maybe I should meditate more. I do think that my problem is that I think way too much.
Yes. You do think way too much. Meditation could help but not so sure about weed.
I am not talking about getting baked. I am talking about using weed in moderation. Medicinal. Low dosage.
I see. Well you could do an experiment (again) and see.
Yes. Maybe I will. Also I just need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. When I get pissed off I need to keep silent. Since the problem is in my brain and not situational when say I get pissed at my wife because the house is not clean I need to just stay quiet. Feel the tension and anger and frustration but don’t say anything. If I do say something say it very nicely. Let the anger just pass through since I recognize that the problem is in my brain and not in the house! Self control.
You will have to learn to just tolerate (without articulating) all that hostility, anger, constriction, bitterness, judgement, hate and disdain that rises up in you when you get pissed off.
Yes, I will have to tell myself that this is a result of my personality problem. Not the messy house or whatever.
Man, this personality problem has created such havoc in your life!
It has. It has turned all my relationships into sour wine. It is not cool. But at least now I am aware of it and hopefully I can control it a bit better. It is not that I am not going to get bitter and pissed off regularly. It is the maladaptive workings of my brain. But maybe I can just learn to keep my mouth shut and just let it go.
Good luck with that.
This is the only hope for someone with borderline personality disorder. Nothing else will really work.
Everything else is BS. Trust me, I have tried it.
Ok, well take this approach and report back to me in a week or so how things go. I think we have achieved the understanding that you are fucked up. Your brain is a negativity factory. You create emotional turmoil constantly. The problem is not situational. When was the last time you have had a week where everything was good and smooth. Just one week where there was no crisis, no big issues?
Jesse. That is unfortunate. Not healthy. Messed up.
I know! Thanks mom and dad for passing all of this on to me.
Yes but you can’t blame them anymore. Their parents passed it on to them. You need to take responsibility for this personality problem and try to be aware of it and control it the best you can.
Yes. This seems like the only real hope for me.
Yes. Keep your moth shut.
Your poor, poor wife. The amount of negativity and stress she has to put up with. That woman must really love you.
I guess so. She is for real.
Well, I need to get going. I have a day that I would like to enjoy rather than sitting here talking to you about your problems. You get paid for talking with people about their problems. I am not getting a thing.
Just being silly (sort of). But really…..try and have a decent day. Go for a walk. Smoke a small amount of weed. Listen to music. Dress nice. Enjoy your work. Make art. Chill the hell out. Try and enjoy yourself. NO emotional turmoil today. Control the beast. Ok?