My Stunted Sex Drive. Or, How Fathers Mess Up Their Kids. Conversation # 30.

There is something I have been thinking about.

What is that?

It is a difficult topic to talk about. I can’t seem to figure it out.

Ok. What is it?

Well. I am not sure. It is difficult to describe.

Try.

I feel like my sex drive is stunted. I have experienced this problem for my entire adult life. When I get into a relationship with someone I just lose interest in having sex with them.

Hmmm.

Yes. For example. My wife. Last night she came on to me. She was dressed in a sexy bra and sexy thong underwear. She looked hot. her hair was long and curly. One breast was popping out of her bra. Most men would pay a lot of money to have sex with her. She is beautiful and excellent in bed (gives the best oral sex I have ever had). But I looked down at my phone and said I was tired. It was not that I was not horny. If my wife was some girl I did not know I would have probably been way into it. But because it was my wife I looked down into my phone and said I was tired. I said it was too late at night. I gave the impression that I did not want to be bothered.

What the hell is wrong with you man?

I know. It is a terrible condition. She offers me oral sex all the time and I decline. I am just not interested.

Was your sex life with her ever good?

Oh yeah. In the beginning we had sex all the time. It was great! Best sex I have ever had by far. The sex was so good that I left my wife at the time to be with my current wife.

I recall that in your previous marriage, when you met your current wife, you had not had sex with your then wife in something like two years?

Yes. At least. I was not at all interested in having sex with my ex-wife. But with my current wife I thought it would be different. I loved having sex with her. I thought I would finally be able to maintain a good sex life with my partner, something I had never been able to do before. But the same thing has happened again. I have not had sex with my current wife for months. We had a threesome but she had sex with another woman and I watched. The other woman gave me oral sex. I was much more interested in the other woman than I was in my wife. I really don’t understand this because my wife is very sexually attractive. It is not that I am not attracted to her.

You sure?

I am. I think she is very attractive. I mean things change when you live with someone. You smell their poops. You see them picking their nose. You become well acquainted with all of their imperfections. But am I really that superficial that these things would matter? Because I see my wife picking her nose or smell her pooping in the bathroom or see her all disheveled in the mornings- would that really take away my sexual interest?

It could. Maybe.

I really do not want to believe that I am that superficial. That I am that guy who dehumanizes woman by overly objectifying them. That I can only get turned on by women whose imperfections I do not know. Could it be true that I am that guy? That the moment I smell a woman’s poop I lose interest in her sexually?

I know this may be a difficult truth to admit about yourself but it could be true. Possibly. Maybe you really are that sexually shallow. Look at that other woman whom you and your wife had a threesome with a year ago. You thought she was so hot but the moment you read her comment on Facebook about how she is someone who farts and burps a lot- you lost all interest in her. All desire for her has gone away.

Jeeze. Yes. This is true. So I am not sexually interested in my wife because I am well aware of her imperfections?

Maybe. Could be.

Man.

This is why you like prostitutes, porn and strippers. You can objectify these women. You do not know their physical or psychological imperfections. They can be complete sex objects for you. You can be turned on by this but the moment they fart or you notice their feet stink- your interest goes away.

This is frustrating. I don’t know what I can do about this. I don’t understand how I became this way. I mean I love women. I have always loved the female body ever since I was a young kid. I have lusted after naked female bodies for as long as I can remember- but it is true that the moment I see or smell their imperfections I begin to lose interest.

But there is a catch.

What?

You know that if your wife had an affair with someone else or if she left you, that you would immediately desire her sexually again. THE SMELL OF HER POOPS AND HER PICKING HER NOSE WOULD NO LONGER MATTER. YOU WOULD STILL DESIRE HER.

I know! It is true. This has happened to me in the past.

So maybe there is an emotional component here also. Maybe it is not just physical. Maybe it is not physical at all. Maybe it has to do with a woman being emotionally needy of you. Your wife is emotionally needy of you. She needs things from you. A prostitute, stripper or porn actress needs nothing from you. Pure sex. But because your wife needs something from you, you pull away and shut down sexually. It freaks you out. Your harden up.

This makes sense. I do feel this happening whenever she becomes emotionally needy.

Emotions (other than anger) scare you. Her needing from you causes you to pull away. This is how you sabotage your relationships. Pulling away and hardening up again and again.

But why the fuck do I do this?

Were you molested when young?

No. Not that I know of.

Was your father or mother emotionally needy?

My father was very. Creepily so.

Hmm. This could be it.

What?

It is fear.

Fear of what?

Your father being so creepily emotionally needy. It freaked you out and you shut down. Now whenever your body and brain detects any hint of this you still have the same reaction. You shut down. Being vulnerable with another human being becomes very frightening.

Being vulnerable! That is it! I am terrified of being vulnerable.

So then it is an emotional issue?

Yes. The physical imperfections probably factor in as well but I like to think that if I am attracted to a woman I can get beyond that. But it is this vulnerability. This having to open up when my body and brain just reflexively shut down- this is what is really hard and scary.

Yes. And so it is much easier for you just to pretend to not be interested even though you really are. You are cheating yourself out of lots of fun sexual experiences.

And I am cheating my wife out of them as well.

This is why you can be sexual with her if you are at a sex party or if other people are involved. Takes some of her attention and neediness off of you and makes it easier for you to open up.

So fucking true.

Yup.

So this is what it really is. When someone is really emotionally needy of me it creeps me out. I harden up and shut down. I am too afraid of remaining open and vulnerable because my father was so creepy. This is why I become sexually stunted in serious relationships. The more serious the relationship the more needy and emotionally dependent a person becomes. This is why if my wife left me or had an affair, her emotional neediness would be taken off of me and put on to someone else. This would then cause me to be able to no longer be creeped out, open wide towards her and I would feel incredible sexual desire towards her. I would desire her so intensely it would burn me up inside.

Yes, because she no longer emotionally needs you!

This is a terrible affliction. Just screwed up. My father and his creepy emotional neediness really messed me up.

He did. But it was not intentional. He is just a really messed up man.

Yes. I know. I don’t want to sabotage my marriage. I love my wife very much and do not want to gradually force her to be interested in someone else so that I can then be sexually interested in her again!

This would be your pattern.

I know!

You need to be willing to force yourself to open up. To say yes. To be sexual when everything in your body wants to shut down. You really are going to have to push yourself to do what does not feel comfortable or natural or easy.

I know. It will be hard but I will give it a try tonight. I will try and push through the wall.

Ok. So do we have this one figured out for now? Once again, the problem is not her. It is you.

Yes.

You are a mess my friend.

I know.

Well in some ways. In other ways you have a lot of things figured out.

Thanks. I need to think about this more, but I think I am really starting to better understand why I get so sexually stunted. Thanks.

Sure.

 

 

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Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

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