I have been home since Wednesday.
But today is Monday! You have not left your house since almost a week ago?
That is correct.
I am not sure. I have wanted to go out. I have planned on going out. But I have just not gone out. I have barely gotten dressed.
Has your wife said anything to you about this?
No. She seems to be ok with it.
Hmmm. Most “normal” people seem to go out all the time. We are a society of people always going somewhere. Everyone is doing something unless they are sick in bed. Why do you think you have chosen to remain home?
I think I want to avoid the outside world. I do not want to be around the masses. I prefer to stay away from other human beings. I like sitting on benches and eyeing attractive women as they walk by. Looking at their legs, behinds, breasts, faces- but I have not even been doing this. One evening my wife and I went out to get frozen yogurt but she ran in to get the yogurt. I remained in the car the entire time and watched all the people walk by.
So you are just isolating yourself from other humans?
Yes. I think so. I do not trust them. I do not like them. I think the vast majority of them are cattle. A mass of idiots. They are not to be trusted. Most are ugly to look at. I prefer to stay out of their hair.
By hair you mean human society?
I see. Don’t you think these judgements are a bit harsh?
Probably. But it is true. Three to four days a week I have to sit in an office and maintain deep conversations with these individuals. I have to talk to each one of them for an hour at a time and work hard to pretend like I really care (which, I don’t). This is my work as a psychotherapist. I am like a hooker who has to pretend to really want and enjoy what the man is giving her. If a hooker works 3 or 4 days a week, I am pretty sure that she will probably not want to have sex on her days off. In fact, I am pretty sure that she will avoid the mass of humanity because she probably despises them.
Why do you think she despises them?
Probably because of the role that they have forced her into. The fact that she has to pretend to really enjoy and want the sex and then she can get paid good money for it would be enough to make anyone despise the human beings who participate in creating and maintaining this kind of system.
And have not we all participated in creating this kind of system?
What do you mean?
A system where we all pretend in order to get paid?
Yes. For the most part. It is a truly terrible thing. It has turned us in to very shallow and superficial human beings. I prefer not to be a part of it anymore than I already have to. I go out and hunt. I play pretend. I earn the money I need to earn to maintain my life. Then I return home and do not go back out until I have to do the same thing all over again. This is my life. I am a hunter and gatherer.
You are a man that does not want to get dressed. Lets face it. Your life is much simpler than a hunter and gatherers life. Much simpler. You just like to play the victim.
Maybe. If I do like it, I am not doing it on purpose. I don’t know what this painful feeling that comes over me every time I have to go to work is. I don’t like it and wish it was not there. This painful feeling makes me what to medicate with marijuana. Marijuana takes the ouch away. I don’t really understand why this feeling is so painful on Monday mornings.
Because you have the work week ahead. Because you have to leave your house. Because you have to go pretend to like doing something when you do not want to really be doing it. Because you are not able to accept and make peace with your life as it is and just enjoy it!
Just enjoy it?
Yes just enjoy it! It is what it is man. Make peace with it and just enjoy it.
It is what it is? Enjoy it?
I am not so sure I know how to do that. It is almost like telling someone who is locked up behind bars to just enjoy their day.
Oh god. Don’t be so dramatic. You are hardly locked up behind bars.
I don’t agree. I think I am. The difference is that the prison looks pretty nice from the outside. It is on the inside that I feel stuck. Locked in.
I see. So you would rather just not get dressed and stay home and isolate from the outside world?
I suppose yes. Under the current conditions. I like going out with my wife and going to book stores, record stores, restaurants, bars and occasional sex parties. But outside of this, yes- I do not want to be around other human beings. I want to be home. I want to read and listen to music. I want to drink wine and occasionally smoke weed. I want to write and make art. I want to sit in the sun and hang out. I just want to be left alone to do the work I want to do and to live a more authentic life.
I understand. But this will not pay your bills.
I get it. That is why I go do what I have to do to get paid. I pretend to like it. I feel bad about pretending to like it because I feel like I should like it! But whatever. It is what it is and I don’t feel like there is any alternative option in my near future.
Must be tough going through this at age 45!
Look, I think most people are going through this at every age. I am just vocal about it.
What is that famous quote?
Most people live lives of quiet desperation?
Yes. That one. It is a big part of the human condition. Even Elvis went through this. How we have created our society just goes against fundamental human needs. We have built our society backwards. We have gotten it all wrong when it comes to creating authentic human happiness. It is a very dysfunctional system that we all swim around in. It is not conducive to human health.
So you isolate.
Not sure that is very conducive to human health.
It gets me by.
I think what you have is called the Kafka Syndrome.
What do you mean?
You want to live one kind of life but you have to live another, less satisfying kind of life. Both lives are in direct opposition to the other. Kafka had to work as a lawyer but wanted to be a writer.
Yes. This is the syndrome. Did you just make that up?
Thats a good one.
I have to go exercise and then shower and get dressed. I don’t want to get dressed, but I have to get dressed.
Well, good luck today.
Thanks. I am sure I will feel better when the day is over and I can drink some wine.