Keeping this blog is a waste of time.
Why do you feel like this?
Because it is a complete waste of time. It is just another one of the things I have failed to be successful at. It will go nowhere. Blogging like this is a waste of time.
I think that is a bit extreme.
But it is. There will be no recognition for this blog. It serves no purpose really. Only a very few readers will occasionally read it. I really don’t know why I am wasting my time with this. It is too much work for nothing.
You don’t think you are acquiring a deeper understanding of yourself through these conversations?
Possibly I am. But what is the point of that?
Herman Hesse wrote in his journal that: If one regards confession of personal convictions, then art must be seen as a long, ever changing, winding path whose object is to express the personality of the ego, of the artist so completely and so exhaustively that by the finish the ego is, as it were, so exposed and exhausted as to be like a burned down house.
So that is what I am doing here? Trying to expose and then burn down my ego so that I can eventually shut it up? Make it speechless?
In a sense yes. It is through this kind of confessional process that you can burn down the ego. It is the ego which causes most people to be so deeply unhappy.
Do you see? The reason why you are having these conversations with yourself, the reason why you are doing this blog has nothing to do with having readers or creating a blog that becomes widely known. That is not the purpose. In fact, if this blog became more successful it would destroy its purpose. This blog is for you and you alone. It is your psychotherapeutic process.
Why do I need to do this? It takes so much time and is so much work. Life would be so much simpler if I did not have to bother with something like this.
Because you are still tormented inside. You still deeply struggle.
Because, you have not found your place. You struggle from the tension that exists between wanting to be a free, sexual, authentic and creative man and having to be a responsible, professional, married and working member of normal, bourgeois society. You still are yet to find your place in the universe.
Maybe I never will.
It is possible. This might be a life long struggle for you. But like Herman Hesse you struggle because of your ego (thoughts) that torment you. If you can find a more aware and deeper spiritual part of yourself, which is not run by your damming ego, then you can begin to find the peace you search for.
But maybe I don’t want peace! Maybe peace is for the spiritualist or the religious person but not for the artist. Maybe the artist is doomed to be in a never-ending process of self examination and examination of the society in which she or he lives. Without this the artist would be useless, dull and unoriginal.
It is possible. But that is why you are keeping this blog. This blog is for you to work out these struggles so that they do not cause you as much difficulty in your day to day life. That is the point of any kind of therapy process. You should know this since you are a psyhotherapist.
I suppose you are right. But I am not a psychotherapist. It is what I do to earn an income but it is not who I am.
But I understand what you are saying.
Good. Because this is not for fame or readers. This blog is not in order to be well known as a writer or to get a book deal. This blog is not a professional endeavor. It is for you to “burn down” your ego.
Yes. I need to keep this in mind. I lose focus of my original intent for starting this blog. Thank you for reminding me. I just get frustrated that in the 20 years that I have been writing and making art I have received such little recognition. It is very discouraging to have spent so much time devoted to being a writer and artist and at the age of 45 to still be as unknown as I was when I was 25. It is also difficult to see so many other writers and artists receiving recognition, while I have to continue on in my day job.
I understand. But this is the way it goes. This is the fate for most writers and artists. It is part of the job. Capitalistic, technology driven society does not value authentic creative expression. Writing and making art is seen as useless endeavor, which is just a waste of time. Capitalistic society is a society based upon labor, generating profit and then consuming. People no longer have time, interest or the cognitive ability to value authentic literature and art. The literary writer and the artist are not really needed by society any longer unless they are contributing to more profitable and popular forms of entertainment.
I know. My art and writing will probably receive no recognition in my lifetime. I need to be ok with this and just continue to write and make art anyways. In order to be able to sustain this creative process in to my older age it has to be something I do because I just enjoy doing it. Because without it I am no one.
Yes. You do it because it is just what you do. It is how you carve a mark or make a dent into the world in which you live. It is an attempt to make sense of things and to leave a record saying that your life was lived in great opposition to the bullshit times in which you are living.
Yes. This is the most important thing. My writing and art is a demonstration against the mind numbing, destructive, mechanistic and soul crushing society in which I live. I want future generations to know I was not like all these people who surround me. That I resisted.
So this blog is one way to continue this demonstration.
Through authentic self-confessions?
Yes. You could call it that. But whatever it is, it is not a waste of time. Don’t fall into that trap. You do this blog for you and you alone. It may be the most important thing you have ever done for yourself.
Maybe so. To hell with being recognized. You are right, that would destroy the point of what I am doing here. Besides, the best art and literature is always the stuff that goes unrecognized by most.
Yes. And those are the obscure books and records that you love finding out about so keep doing what you are doing. You blog is an obscure blog. Take comfort in knowing that. In this society of exploration and opportunism- obscurity is a great accomplishment.
Keep having this on-going conversation with me.
When will I know that our work here is done?
When you have finally burned down your house.
When my ego becomes quieter?
That may never happen.
Well then, I guess we have a lot of conversations in front of us.