Some mornings I am just in a bad mood. I don’t want to talk with anyone or do anything. I want to sit and simmer in my bad mood. Stay away from me. Don’t talk to me. You bug me. I find you incredibly annoying.
Of course it is yourself that you are annoyed with.
Probably so. In the mornings I feel tired. Heavy. Uneasy. My lungs feel stiff. I am groggy. The opposite of clarity and lightness. Everything is heavy and constricted. How could anyone be in a good mood feeling this way?
Not many people. But can’t you just snap out of it?
Not right away. I need time. It is a gradual process. It seems as if all the yuck and grog that collected overnight takes time to dissipate away. Not even two cups of coffee fully gets rid of it. By noon or one I should be out of it.
Do you think there is an emotional reason for feeling the way you do?
It feels very physical. But maybe there is an emotional aspect to this. Like I hate everything. What am I doing with my life? Why can’t I just dedicate myself to writing a novel or making a graphic novel? Why do I avoid all the things I want to do and do other things instead? Why can’t I just dedicate myself to one project until it is finished? These are things I think about. Maybe my frustration with myself causes me to feel some of the way I do. I don’t know. But I also know that I just physically feel like shit in the mornings.
Maybe it gathers up. Maybe you feel shitty and unhappy in your life because you are not doing what you feel you should be doing and you have to do things that you do not want to be doing and all of the pressure and stress and frustration collects like mud in a creek and overnight it solidifies and hardens and in the mornings leaves you feeling all clogged up and constricted.
It is possible. Why can’t I just focus on writing a novel? I have three or four unfinished novels and I can’t seem to just focus on one and finish. What the hell is my problem? Twenty years of this! I read, I listen to music, I hang out, clean my house, work at my job- I do everything to avoid working on the things I want to work on. I just don’t get it. It is very frustrating. Really upsets me.
Maybe you are just lazy?
Maybe but I don’t think it is that simple. I am writing this now. If I were lazy I would not be having all these conversations with you. I do a lot of work just not the work I need to be doing. I am always avoiding the work I need to be doing, like writing a novel.
I don’t know what it is.
Now I am just tired. Working at my job the past three days has taken everything out of me. I feel like the disgusting sponge I threw away yesterday. It is just all too much. I just want to check out. Leave me alone. Don’t bother me. Fuck off. I just want to read, listen to music and be left alone. I don’t want to be having this conversation.
So why are you?
I don’t know. I was hoping to figure a few things out. I’m just frustrated. I feel like crap. I am stuck and now I am beat down from my last three days at work. I just want to isolate and be left alone. Fuck you and fuck everyone else.
You won’t feel this way later.
I don’t know. I do often feel like fuck everyone else. I try to like people but honestly I feel like people suck. People, the vast majority of people, really suck. Maybe I even suck.
You are just in a bad mood right now. Go chill out. Go do some things you enjoy. Just chill out. Let yourself relax. This too shall pass. You just have to wait it out. You will feel better later.
You will feel a bit better.
I want to have wild and crazy sex with slutty women.
I know you want to escape. You want pleasure because you feel like crap. That is not really an answer. Just a temporary escape.
I want a temporary escape. I want naked female bodies on top of my naked body.
Not now. Just chill out. Relax. Dont give in to sexual fantasy right now. Take it easy. Read. Draw. Listen to music. Just relax. You will feel better later.
I don’t trust myself. When you don’t trust yourself to do certain things everything feels frustrating.
(TO BE CONTINUED)