My Father The Madman. Conversation #47.

Do you really want your father dead?

Of course not, although I can’t help but think things would be so much easier this way. But I wish death on no one.

Why easier?

Well, because my dad is a madman. A very sick man. I don’t mean to hurl accusations but the guy is really messed up. I am 45 years old now and for 45 years he has been nothing but a problem for me to try and resolve. A continual difficulty and source of distress in my life.

Why is this?

Well when I was younger it was because he was a complete control freak and if I did anything that he did not like or agree with he would freak out and become emotionally and physically abusive. He needs to have everything the way he thinks it should be and if you disagree with him or do not support the way he thinks things should be he will immediately tell you that you are wrong. Or even worse- a terrible person who has ruined his day.

Really?! That does not sound pleasant.

No it is not. I try to keep a lot of space between he and I. I try not to speak with him or see him. he is just a continual problem. Always upset about something he thinks I am doing wrong. Just yesterday I texted with him just a bit and now it has blown up in my face.

Why?

I should have known better. He was texting to me about how in order to be happy and successful in life one needs to not settle and keep trying new things until you basically achieve what you want. I told him that I do not think that is the way to achieve happiness. That I think it is more about accepting what is, non-striving and learning how to stop needing recognition through achievement. That no matter how much a person achieves it will not feel like enough until that person has learned to stop striving for recognition and can just be present with and accepting of what is. I should of kept my mouth shut. He told me I was nuts. That I should re-think my position. This is what always happens though so I should not be surprised. Anytime (and I really mean anytime) I open up about my authentic thoughts and feelings I am told that I am wrong. We always disagree, which is fine. I accept this. But if I disagree with him and tell him I disagree he will get really angry. Tell me I have ruined his day.

Sounds like you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t with him.

Yes. That is the situation. In one sense he ha been a good father to me. He provided me with food, shelter and an education for much of my life. He still pays my health insurance. But in another sense he has been a tyrant. Just an awful man who is always deeply unhappy and impossible to get along with.

And he is trying to tell you about the path to happiness?

I know. I was going to tell him that he was the least qualified person that I know to talk about happiness but I kept my mouth shut. He would not get it. He would just get defensive and angry. But I suppose we always talk about and preach about the thing we know we need to learn most.

True. So how do you feel now?

Once again my interaction with him has left me feeling guilty, angry and undermined. It is impossible for me to interact with him in any kind of authentic way without me ending up feeling like this. There is no room for or acceptance of my feelings and thoughts if they differ with what he think should be. It is actually really quite amazing to realize there are people like this in the world. Like really? You are so insecure and weak on the inside that any perspective that you do not agree with or approve of threatens to unravel your entire being? I always seem to be the source of my father’s unraveling.

Yes.

The truth is that I do not like the man. I am upset with the man. At an emotional and psychological level I think he has been a terrible father. I don’t agree with most of what he says and thinks. He thinks he knows everything about everything but most of what he says makes very little sense. I think (know) he is a compulsive liar. I have very little respect for him even though I try and respect him. I also can empathize because it must suck to be the kind of person who has a son who feels this way about you. I do have compassion for him. He is a very wealthy man who lives in a modern mansion but he is so deeply unhappy and so much in denial about the cause of his misery (his behavior) that all I can do is stay out of his path and try to have compassion.

Yes.

This is how I kill my father in a sense. I stay out of his way. I keep communication with him very limited. I push him out of my life as much as is possible. I have tried everything else. I have tried to be the bigger person. I have tried to just accept and love him. I have tried to interact with him very superficially. Nothing works. It always ends up blowing up in my face. I can do no right. I am always the problem. I am always the one who is eventually harming and betraying him. He does nothing wrong. No apologies. There is no compassion or empathy for me coming from him. I am just the bad son in his eyes. When up against a person like this, a person who just continually feels like you are the one who is doing wrong and bad, you are the one who is betraying them and they are not at all willing to look at themselves and really see the part that they are playing in creating the issues all you can do is stay out of their way if you want to have some peace in your life.

Otherwise they will continue to torment you and harm you until you submit to their will.

Yes. And that is not going to happen with me and my father so I just need to stay away. The guy is a madman. Literally. Always talking about (and it is never solicited) how wonderful his life is and all his successful friends and how much he travels, meditates and has achieved. It is crazy because the truth is that he is just an unhappy man hiding behind all these fronts. All it takes is one little text conversation with him to cause his world to come crumbling down. “You have ruined my morning.” “Your text to me was very disappointing. A terrible way to start my day.” Meanwhile all I said was that I often agree to just disagree with him and this is fine with me. I am ok with the fact that we often disagree. It is just the way it is.

And he did not like this?

Not at all. I ruined his day. Disagreement is not ok with him unless he is the one doing the disagreeing.

Oh man. You poor guy. You could be nice with your dad. You could be loving with him. You could give him all the love and attention that he craves but you would have to put all of your real feelings aside. You would have to just let him behave and act and say whatever he wants and smile, say ok and agree. Never find fault with him. Never disagree. Just smile, focus on him, give him all your attention, let him tell you what he thinks and agree with him- and then maybe you can then be the god son. Then you will inherit wealth and all kinds of advantages. This is how you can win his love. When he lies (such as saying he meditates everyday, which you know is a straight up lie. The guy has never really meditated a day in his life.) just say, “great.” Just entertain his delusions. Just let him do and say whatever he wants. Have no opinion of your own unless it is an opinion that you know will reflect what he thinks, feels and believes.

Yup. That is it. Complete totalitarianism.

Well it is your fault for opening up even a little bit with him. You should know by now not to do that. Yu opened yourself up to this emotional abuse.

I did. But I am going to try to prevent myself from feeling guilty about this. Guilt means that you are upset with yourself for going against what you think is best for you. Not doing what you feel is in your best interest. I was just trying to make a connection with my dad. I was just looking for that relationship that I know will never be. I need to stop looking. He is a madman. A very disturbed man who is emotionally abusive to people if they do not behave in the way that he thinks they should (even though the vast majority of people think he is Mr. Wonderful). My intentions were good in texting with him but once again it blew up in my face and I have ended up for the two hundredth thousand time- the bad son.

Yup well all you can do is once again block him on your phone. Let your anger and hurt go. Try not to feel too guilty and get on with your day. It is a messed up situation that will have no resolution in this lifetime.

I know. And it is unfortunate. I am willing to look at what I do wrong. I am willing to look at the part I play in creating problems and try to change. But my father is not willing at all. He says he is but then will act out the same, negative behavior the next day. He is not capable of change and self-awareness because he does not want to. He really believes that he is the victim. He is not the problem. I am. Everyone else is. We are the ones who need to change.

It is a dead-end street called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I know.

Children of a Narcissist are some of the most tormented people in the world until they completely cut off their relationship with the Narcissist.

I know. It is unfortunate. I just wish he would go away. Stop calling. Stop texting. Stop manipulating me to keep coming back and engage with him. I just wish he would let me be.

He leaves you alone when he is angry with you. When he thinks you have betrayed him. That is how he feels now towards you (once again) so I presume you will be shut out and discarded for a while now by him. This is what he does to you when he is upset with you. When you are the bad son the punishment is to be cut out. Discarded. Ostracized.

Jerk.

That he is.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Yup.

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Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

5 thoughts on “My Father The Madman. Conversation #47.”

  1. Maaate I hear that about your pops maybe it’s a generational thing I’m in a very tough spot to , with regards to my dads and families behaviour towards me it’s so bad I broke his nose the last time I saw him . Now let’s clear this up , I’m not proud or happy about the way our relationship has unraveled in recent months . I’m no saint in this and he has always provided all be it what he wanted to provide , I mean by that as a youngster my wishes and opinions on things were ridiculed and rubbished . Publicly in front of my friends or my mums it didn’t matter he had to put me down he was nervous and scared about things I was comfortable with and I as a boy kind of intimidated him I think . He was a drinker and a bit of a lad I guess but I for some reason I didn’t buy it he was nasty to me and my mum I remember the two places I lived with them as a kid would be deafening at times with the rows (they can’t admit it now but they are the source of their own unhappiness my parents . They lack real empathy and are a bit wrapped up in there own selves , niether can actually tune into real conversation . They’d be so frustrated and wound up ) i believe the fact I noticed this and pointed it out , as an inexperienced youngster really pissed him off . Who was I to say that where did I get the nerve to say it . Well , I’m afraid that I think he was lazy and shitty and a bit pissy towards me maybe my mum when I was a nipper now I’m not saying I can remember particularly specific moments but I remember how it all hinged on him . If he felt good then sweet , but if he was finding it hard then oh dear he was so selfish he’d just take it all out ranting like a madman glaring with menace . But it was insecurity the person he was trying to be wasn’t him , or was it . My mum would defend him tirelessly and it just pissed me off . When I behaved like a dick my mates told me to sort it out . My dad didn’t have any mates really so he just skulked about being a pain making everyone edgy and nervous . But I was his focus I was the let down I was skinny , I think because we had such a terrible relationship by the time I was 13 ( I mean how’s my life affecting this guy so much already I’m doing normal things , trying to get girls ) I think they had cocooned me a bit in their mad world so when I got a look and see of other people’s perspectives I got curious really curious . So he’d hunt me out where iv been who with etc , he’d call all my mates wankers saying they were no good and all the time I’d think but there dads are cool , you know just a bit more realistic . Not so dreamy my dad wanted a perfect life and it was all miles off . So his anger just simmered . He hit me and my mum . Plenty of times .
    So my mates dads didn’t really like him if I’m honest and that makes things very difficult , for me to understand also . Why is he so angry why do people avoid him . So my friends moved along I had an emotional anchor to carry around and my father was starting to affect me deeply . I was trying drugs at parties with people who were not the nicest it has to be said . But my home was so hostile so I actually felt safer in these edgy environments , after all it was loud and unpredictable so it was in a way very familiar . He hated me now id brought shame on us all . How unfair as an adult I wasn’t the one with experience was I . I was finding it hard to identify myself because of all the turmoil my home was far from welcoming or even interesting . So I made poor choices , I destroyed my own opportunities for a period of time . But I am who I am and I had enough character to be a better man now . But I moved back after many years in need of some stability . I’d had some troubles financially . Again let’s be straight I owed under 6 grand . So not a great deal and I didn’t ask for it . But my world had to come tumbling down for him . He just picked and pointed out all the negatives , I’m not so different to your average person , iv no children so my attitude can be a bit selfish . He doesn’t have to explain his selfishness even though it effected all of us . But he’d tell his nieghbours about my predicament ( not friends , he still got none ) and I’d plead please don’t talk to people about my private matters , he’d say he was seeking advice on the matter , when I’d speak to him he’d rubbish what I’d say and comment on the random conversations he’d had with his neighbours I’d want to cry at times . It was so degrading as a person . I couldn’t do enough for them I’d shop , walk the dog , dog sit I had a rule for myself about curfew I just didn’t get out much . I had no confidence now he’d chipped at me so much I could barely muster a good morning anymore . My mother would say what’s up and I’d tell her , it’s only because he cares she’d say . Bullshit mum where’s your sense of authenticity he’s got problems and for years we’ve all scooted around it somehow he was sort of a good guy to other family members he was funny but they only saw that side . He threw me out with no money and nowhere to go because he couldn’t accept anything I told him it was all a lie in his eyes . They treated me like a heroin addict . Which I most definitely have never been near , I smoke ganja yes I’m not perfect .
    The source of my money trouble was poor advice from an accountant I wasn’t doing that well but was working hard , he couldn’t accept that . I was cheating somehow , in his eyes . I asked for help and got my little brothers mates to try to help me when they could . I wasn’t earning as well anymore . They were uninterested when it became clear the situation was tricky , I was being chased for 16 k that I didn’t owe but he was happy to let me squirm , he’d comment “well you get your medicine ” just pretty rubbish things really . I wanted to start paying but until I had a more realistic figure it was not possible . I’d been asking for help for three years , I’d followed the advice that was on offer for free , I had to stop renting a place I’d been for a few years now to move 90 miles away to there new home . I thought great I can set up from here and get a better start , I didn’t get the best opportunity the first time after all did I ? I must have been there less than a week , ” you’ll be gone in 6 months ” I was absolutely shattered . He’s such an arsehole . So after 9 months he snapped told me to go , I always did as they wished and they always exactly opposite to what I wished so it was no surprise . I went no contact the narcissistic emotional blackmail was heavy now , again . I just can’t help feeling betrayed and alone and vulnerable , I don’t have many friends out here . Luckily I got an ok job that is local and requires a fair bit of input , so I get ok money . I’m making a real effort to stay here now it’s nice for me at this point . But I’m avoiding my parents now so try to have a say on our predicament , he can’t accept he has a few major personality defects towards me . My mother is so afraid that she just defends his silly ways . For fear his insecurity surfacing as rage . So I went to get a few bits , it’s been a few months and I’m ok . I went in it was so grey and heavy I could feel the tension I tried to say a few things to my mother he burst in the room absolutely frothing like a madman . The outcome is I’m afraid his own fault . As humans we fight for what we value , my father taught me nothing really . I have to protect myself at all times I’m on my own and always have been . They say they don’t see no effort from me but my life’s been all effort I got real stamina they’ve wanted to put me off for 35 years but now I’m sure of the man I am I’m sure I’m strong , iv been weak recently . But I draw strength to recover and my response will never be that to him ever . He got his medicine in the end . People get fed up of games my man , move out . Be authentic do what he doesn’t think you can , I know that really pisses him off but that’s not my issue . Rock on .

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    1. Fantastic man. Thanks for this episodic comment. I am glad to know there is someone else out there experiencing almost the exact same nightmare that I have gone through my entire life. The moment I separate and start to get good in my own life again, I feel my father is just sitting there waiting. Emails start coming, “Please talk to me.” “I am here for you.” “Lets work on our relationship.” “You have my full support.” Like a lonely predator waiting for its prey he tries to seduce me back in. But I am 45 now. I have done this so many time. I know where it leads. A downward spiral of misery and preoccupation with how fucked up he is behaving. Our father’s are very dangerous men. When you think they may have changed, they have not. They exist to break you down to lift themselves up. Maybe they are downright fucked up evil. Yes, you are on your own. You must stay away from him. And in all respect, you should keep space from your mom. She can’t have her cake and eat it also. She has sacrificed your health and wellbeing for her “comfort.” She has worked against you by ganging up with him. What is it called- scapegoating. Take care of yourself man. Practice meditation. Live in the moment. Take things moment by moment. Try and keep a big distance from them. You are on your own. This is the only way you can have a decent life. Keep at it.

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  2. It felt good to vent that as a man I have trouble talking out this stuff , as you know it’s impossible to talk to my parents because I’m so hurtful with my honesty ! They just get angry .
    Its interesting that you talk about how when he’s up your down and vice versa I tried to explain this to my mother but again I’m imagining it all in her eyes . So growing up trying to be happy and upbeat was a near impossible task when I think about it , I have good ethics I believe and am an ok guy iv got friends all over the world at least . I always felt that he somehow engineered problems to set me up to make me fail , harassing and goading me all the time with a grin . When he was on top everybody knew . But I have guts so I fought him at most turns he hated that being gazumped by a lanky skinny lad . My brothers have let us all down , they are fence sitters . I told them this would end up like this , no relationship is possible for me now . My mother begged me to apologise to him for defending myself , he had a glass bowl over his head when I punched him . I did it for her sake as I said the atmosphere in that house well I’d say murderers have done less time then my mum that’s not to say she is an angel far from it I’d say . My point is friend , that somehow I had to apologise for my actions , he bust my nose years ago I’m sure he never said sorry I deserved it . So now iv acted out for there benefit which is something I hate . They have a knack of reminding me about all the things they provided me with at home . My friends parents just seemed happy to provide , even splash out a bit . My friends were working class like me . My parents are not but the reality is they are , money was always an issue .
    After all the games I don’t play now iv said my final sorry , no more to what benefit has it , I can see none . Poisonous relationships with cantankerous old twerps is beyond sensible or wise . But they love to give it ” our door is always open ” in a way there saying we will be here when you fail . Aren’t they . And if you go back you intrude on there boring existence with energy and vigour and colour and life . It’s so depressing , they really want grandkids another area I failed but I wouldn’t want any other children near them especially my own . But , I am going to fulfill my dreams and if they had been a tad nicer especially recently they could be involved now sadly though after the last wave of guilt it’s of no interest to me what has been my gain from the relationship . Nothing . Bitter horrid nastiness . Thanks for your comments and point of view . And the nice remarks here’s one back .
    To you my friend I wish prosperity and good fortune . Dwell in goodness and beauty , sweet smells and smiles , leave the ugly stuff to the professionals 😊👍

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    1. Thank you, I appreciate it. I wish I could have goodness and beauty and smiles but I seem to be always ending up in a pit of depression and despair. Unhappiness. Fortunately I know how to lift myself out of it now, but still not easy. I think I am wired to be unhappy/angry/worried all the time. Life just feels so unfulfilling for me. I’m in over my head. You sure your dad and mom are not my dad and mom? It sounds like the exact same situation. You could be writing about me and my father and mother. Word for word. It is nuts! I was even a skinny and lanky kid always challenging big tough dad. My father appeared upper class but money was always an issue as well. Now, my wife’s parents who have a lot less money are always giving so much to us and ask nothing in return. Just love to give to us. I don’t know what to make of it. Anyways, I wish you the very best out there. Hope things go well for you. They will only be better outside of a relationship with your folks but all that anger and pain tends to follow people like you and I around wherever we go. But I am happier now than I have ever been even if I am still unhappy. The more and more I keep space from my dad the more and more I feel “better.” I still experience misery, but in waves. No longer lasts as long. I am babbling on here I know. Good work coming to all the realizations you have. That is the hard part. Now the work is just sticking with it, day by day and gradually better things will grow. Take care man.

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