How To Be More Alive Than Dead. The Final Conversation. #50.



So hear you are on Monday morning.

I know. My least favorite time of the week.

I know. Such is life. It all balances itself out. There are good times and bad times. Shitty times during the week and good times during the week. Monday morning is the shitty time but just remember it will balance itself out.

Yes. This is a good way of looking at things. I like that.

Busy week?

Yes. It’s getting ridiculous.

Why ridiculous?

I don’t know. This is life? We work hard and then we take a few days off, get relaxed, spend our hard earned money and then begin again? This is it?

Yes, in a sense. For the most part. This is the main way of life in the Capitalist society where you live. This is what people do. Keeps the system moving.


It is what it is. There is not much getting out of it for you at the moment unless you want to be broke and/or homeless.

I know.

How are you doing otherwise?

My penis itches.


Yes. I am starting to become a bit concerned. My penis has itched for the past two weeks. Now the itch is spreading to my testicles and the pubic area around my penis.

That is not good. What do you think is going on?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions but my conclusion is that it is because of the blow job that I received from my wife’s girlfriend.


Yes. My wife was giving me a blow job and then her girlfriend participated. When my wife gives me a blow job she does it very aggressively. Uses a lot of teeth (which I don’t mind). But maybe she agitated my skin and then when my wife’s girlfriend gave me a blow job whatever she has got in. I don’t know.

That would be unfortunate.

Yes. My wife’s girlfriend is very sexual active. She has been married for over a decade and her and her husband do all sorts of promiscuous things together and apart. Her husband has sex with transvestites so who knows what he has! I don’t know. I hope I did not catch anything but I have been painfully itching since the morning after the blow job.

You got a blow job from two attractive girls though.

Yes. That was nice but for five minutes of kinky pleasure I have had two weeks of itch!

But you know that most really good forms of pleasure are this way. There is always a greater price to pay the greater the pleasure.

I suppose so.

So what does your wife say about the itch?

She thinks it is all in my head. Or it is because of the extreme heat we have been having in this shitty Southern Californian suburb. I tell her that there is no way this is in my head. That the itch is very real. There has also been an itch on my arms and neck which I have showed her but she seems to not be concerned about it. Heat Rash, she thinks.

Maybe she is right?

Maybe. Maybe not. My penis hurts! It hurts from itching and it hurts from whatever is causing the itch.

Sounds like you may have caught something.


Might want to go get it checked out if it does not go away this week.

Yes. I am beginning to itch my penis area during sessions with clients. I try and hide what I am doing but sometimes I am itching my crotch area before I am even aware of what I am doing.

That is not a good thing for a psychotherapist to be doing during sessions! You could get a complaint filed against you!

I know. It doesn’t look good. But I have to itch. As my clients are talking away about their problems and struggles all I am thinking is that I have to itch! I watch the clock and I want them to get the fuck out of my office so that I can pull down my pants and have an itch fest. It is terrible. Even now, I am itching. Always itching.

Shit. Well, you had to catch something eventually.

What is that supposed to mean?

You have been doing all sorts of sexually transgressive things for decades and up until this point you have been very lucky. But now that you are getting older and your immune system is getting weaker, it is more likely that you will catch something if you keep acting out the same promiscuous behavior.

Don’t say that! Hopefully I haven’t caught something. Hopefully I can stay lucky. It was just a blow job. An innocent, kinky blow job.

That’s what they all say and think.


You have become bored in your suburban life. Not much else to do for fun and so these kinky sexual activities that you engage in are how you break up the bored monotony of your life. It is how you experience pleasure. When life gets mundane we need more extreme forms of pleasure to bring us alive. Especially when we are dead and don’t even know we are dead.

What is that supposed to mean? You think I am dead?

I think most people, especially most people who live in America and live that routinized way of life that we talked about earlier are dead (or almost dead) and do not even know it.

You are saying that most Americans are more dead than alive?

Without a doubt. Just look at your culture, your society and your will see symptoms of deadness everywhere.

Like what?

Working all the time. Constant fear and worry. Dumbed down forms of popular entertainment, consumed in high doses. Rampant consumerism. High, high levels of addiction and psychiatric drug consumption. High levels of media propaganda. The signs go on and on and on. Skeletons are walking your streets.

This is a frightening thought.

But I think you are more alive than dead.

What do you mean by dead?

Just bored of life. No more dopamine firing in the brain. Mechanized. Dull. Mundane. Depressed. Flatlined. Conformed. No more passion, creativity or inspiration left.

I battle against that kind of death. I try and stay inspired and passionate. I have thrown away my television. I try and get the soul killing effects of the outside world out of my head as much as possible.

Yes. And in a sense getting a sexually transmitted disease in middle age just means that you are someone who is also using sex to stay alive, to ward off being dead.

Maybe. I am sure there are smarter ways of doing this.

I don’t know. Sex is the ultimate form of pleasure, passion and inspiration. It is why we are alive. It allows us to transcend limitations created by our brains and culture. But yes, you may have to find less potentially disease causing ways of staying alive.

Yes. Or just be safer. Like wear a condom when receiving a blow job from a promiscuous lady.

You can do that.

Maybe I am reaching a point in my life where I just need to learn how to settle down. To take it easy.

What do you mean?

I don’t know. I think this happens to some people as they reach middle-age. To just learn how to live a more simple and quiet life. To not need external stimulation as much. To be able to just stay home and enjoy myself. To not seek out forms of external pleasure as much.

You mean to learn how to make friends with the boredom?

To become pleasantly idle. I think we spend the first forty years of our life running from boredom and idleness. Vehemently trying to escape the boredom in all kinds of ways….

Like ways that give you an itchy penis?

Funny, but yes. But maybe, at a certain point, if a person wants to live a more easy going and less stress-filled life it is about learning how to just enjoy being at home with oneself. To just take it easy.

Yes. This is probably true. To just cultivate your own garden. Hopefully without an itch between your legs.

Ok, are you going to keep giving me shit about this?

Sorry I can’t help it. But I do agree with you. I think you do need to start slowing down. Start befriending the boredom and just be at home more. Finish writing your novel. Make art. Read. Listen to music. Hang out. Just enjoy a more easy going and peaceful lifestyle. The world is going to shit, partly because everyone is continually on the go. No one can stay put. It is like ants moving frantically in a disordered line. Mass craziness, preoccupied with inane things that just distract them from their mortality. They are all on the run from boredom and the fear of their own death. The irony is that we just become more dead and more bored, the more we try and run from these things.

It is true. So it is about settling more into my suburban life. Making peace with it and creating a richer inner life?

Yes. I know you hate your job. I know you hate working with other people but at least you are helping them while making the money you need to maintain your lifestyle. Just keep doing that. Take it one day at a time. Don’t worry about stuff so much. When you are not working really try not to think about work. Shed work like a snake sheds it’s skin. Return back to doing what you want. Being the person you want to be.

The obscure, outsider, solitary, independent, countercultural artist and writer.

This is how you see yourself?

This is who I feel like I am.

Well then keep being this.

But the world sees me as a psychotherapist.

It takes a very strong character to keep being the person that they see themselves as even though the entire world sees them as someone completely different.

To get no acknowledgement as being the person you see yourself as.

Yes. This is tough and requires a lot of strength to keep being the person you are.

Yes. I put on the costume of the psychotherapist but really I am just buying time so I can keep writing, making art, listening to music, reading and just hang out. I am just buying time so I can keep doing these things. I really could give two shits about business, psychotherapy or making money.

I know. And as long as you can keep pulling this off, you are winning. It is a win that gets no external praise or acknowledgment but within yourself you know that you are winning because an important part of who you are is still alive. And keeping this part of you alive is the most important thing.

Otherwise we die while still alive?

Yes. That is the other option.

Ok. Well thanks for this perspective. I think it will make Monday a bit easier to get through. Just knowing what you are telling me is helpful. My penis isn’t even itching right now.

Hmm. So maybe it is all in your head? Maybe your wife is right?

I don’t know. I just think it feels good to have a more clear vision of the path that I am on. Priorities. It helps knowing that what is most important is keeping the person I want to be alive. Not letting the outside world take that away from me.

And as long as you can achieve this without becoming broke and disease ridden, it is a major victory.

Look what happened to the painter Gauguin! That guy struggled miserably at the end of his life.

Yes. He was tormented. Broke. Disease ridden. Perverted. Could not stop his sexual debauchery all the way up until the last days of his life. But he stayed true to his vision. He did not sell out and was very much alive (and very depressed) all the way up until the end.

Yeah. Well, if all I have is a chronic itch, I can consider myself lucky right now.

Indeed. A minor inconvienience. Well….I guess this is a good place to put an end to our conversations?

Yes. I think we have said enough.

The definition of wisdom is knowing when to shut up. Hope your itch fades away….. like everything else in life.

Me too.

Take care of yourself.

I will. It was good having these conversations with you.

Thank you. You too.







The End.


Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

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