Putting my shirt on backwards. Putting my pants on backwards. Waking up upside down. I just can’t seem to get it right. Doing everything backwards. Paying my bills backwards. Exercising backwards. Having sex with my wife backwards, which often ends up with me doing it all wrong. Masturbating backwards causes me to just get my cumm all over myself and I really do not like this. I read backwards and usually never reach the beginning of the book. I am not sure where all this backwardness has come from but I have my ideas.
Ever since I bought a house in the suburbs and began a career where I am doing work that I really do not like, I have been enduring an incredible amount of stressfulness. All of these unwanted obligations, all of these things that must be done just cause me to overreact. I get easily overwhelmed I suppose. My nervous system and stress tolerance levels seem low. Maybe I am just not made for all the burdens, obligations and worries that come along with middle class life. Years of dealing with a difficult father have worn me down. My adrenal glands have just grown weak.
This is where I presume all this backwardness has come from. It is the short circuiting of my neural systems, the result of too much stress. But shouldn’t I be able to better handle all of it? I can’t afford to be putting my clothes on backwards and going to work. I will lose clients if they see me this way. I can not afford to be driving my car backwards down the street. I could get into an accident and harm others and more importantly I could harm myself! I can not afford to be a psychotherapist and be caught speaking to clients backwards. It makes me appear unfit for the job. Even as I write this now all of my thoughts are happening in a backwards order but I am trying hard to straighten it all out.
Is anyone one else feeling this intense stress that seems to be inherent in trying to survive in our current world? Am I the only one? There is this pressure on my chest that will not lift. Does anyone else feel that? I don’t see anyone else walking or driving backwards so maybe I am alone. I look for other people wearing their shirts or pants backwards but I do not see anyone. I want to find just one other person who suffers from this. Someone who is walking their dog backwards, having sex with their partner backwards, showering backwards, brushing their hair backwards, reading backwards. Someone who is experiencing some sort of backwardness in a world where everyone seems to be following in a straight line. Why can’t I?
I am concerned about this. My wife is concerned. We are not sure what to do. My wife wants me to relax more. To stress less. But how? There is so much to get done! I have drawings to make. Novels to write. Short essays to post on my bog. Sculptures to finish. A house to keep clean. Bills to pay. Plants to water. A wife to get along with. A body to keep in shape. An iPhone to check on. A business to run. Phone calls to return. Dogs to feed and walk. Books to read. Records to listen to. The list goes on and on. How am I supposed to not stress with all these things that constantly need to be done? I meditate. I masturbate. I am thinking about starting to smoke weed again. I am obviously not handling this stress well enough on my own. Everything is happening backwards. I am worried that the planet will shift and start turning backwards. Then what? Then what will happen to us? What will then happen to my wife, my dogs and all the birds I love?