The Dullness Inside. Conversation #52

I have been in a shitty mood this morning.

What’s the problem?

I don’t know. Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I have a lot to do that I am putting off. I had to take my large German Shepherd to the vet to get his stitches taken out.

That must of been fun.

It wasn’t. My wife can’t control the dog. She freaks out. Once we got him in the car he gets hair and crap everywhere. Makes a mess of what used to be a nice car. On the way to the vet my wife is driving so that I can control the dog. She is picking her nose off and on the whole way there. I don’t know if it is a nervous thing or what but it really bothers me. I see her picking her nose and then putting her fingers on the steering wheel after. It is disgusting. Between her picking her nose and her inability to handle our dog it was a frustrating morning.

Did you say anything about her picking her nose.

On the way back from the vet she was doing it again! Finally I had to say something. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I told her it was disgusting and I needed her to stop. Ladies should not pick their nose as they drive. A bit is fine, but enough is enough!

Did she get pissed when you told her?

Of course. She is used to her mother and father telling her how great she is. Anytime I point out a flaw she gets really upset.

Too bad for you.

Its rough. But I don’t think this is why I am pissed off. These things are just symptoms of my pissed-off-ness. I think I feel an emptiness, a boredom that is eating at me. I don’t know what it is.

An emptiness and boredom?

Yes, like nothing happening that is interesting in my life. It is all pretty mundane. Routine. I buy things but this doesn’t even excite me much anymore. I guess I just don’t really feel interested in anything. It all feels forced. I am just buying time. Hanging around. Trying to fill my time doing various things.

Like what?

If I am not at work I listen to records and tapes, I read, I write, I make art, I exercise, I watch films and documentaries, I clean, I post of Facebook and Instagram- stuff like that.

Just passing the time?

Yeah it kind of feels like I am just waiting around for something big to happen. Know what I mean?

I think so. Seems like you are just living a very conventional, quiet life in a way.

I don’t know. I am not interested in spiritual enlightenment or figuring out the nature of existence. I am not really that focused on anything. I am sure I could be a great writer or artist but I am just not interested enough to put in the daily, hard effort it would take. Maybe I have just become apathetic. I don’t know. I love my wife very much but I do think I am bored in my marriage. I look to Instagram or Facebook to give me some meaningful social contact but that doesn’t really work. Maybe I am just bored. Just a lack of meaning. I really don’t know. Sometime the feeling of emptiness just makes me irritable.

I understand. Sounds like you are bored. You just don’t have much going on that you are really engaged in. Your work as a psychotherapist provides you with enough money to survive and buy the things you need but it is very unfulfilling work. It is work you do not enjoy and on your days off you are left feeling empty.

I guess. I try and fill in the holes. I try hard. I interest myself in so many aspects of culture and stuff like that but it doesn’t totally work. I try and write but I am not able to put the discipline into that or anything. Yeah, I hate to say it but it all feels very flat. Yesterday I posted something on Instagram that said, “That was fun but I always end up back at home again where the boredom begun.”

I guess the best you can do is learn to live with the boredom.

I suppose. I am trying to befriend it. Trying to get along with it. I’m not leaving my wife or moving anytime soon so I really have no choice. Now that I don’t drink booze anymore I don’t even have that brief period of alcohol induced fun anymore. Is a lot of this a symptom of living in the suburbs?

Could be. We are social creatures. The suburb where you live is very dull. The dullness that surrounds you could be seeping its way into you. I also think that the whole way you are living your life right now is just filling you with this feeling of boredom.

I wish I could figure out exactly what it is.

Lets get into this next time. I have to go and do some things. Talk later?

Ok, sounds good. Thanks for talking.



Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

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