They say writing helps. They say that more so than talking, writing allows people to really process thoughts and feeling within themselves and resolve things. This is what they say in study after study. I am going to write now. I am going to write about how they piss me off.
By they we normally mean other people whom we do not know.
They are strangers.
They are other people who control certain aspects of our lives.
They are the government.
They are corporate people.
They are people we do not like. Enemies.
They are people that we do not get along with.
They are a group of people who are somewhere out there.
They are soul, mind and body snatchers.
We rarely call someone we love they.
When I am not getting along with my wife, she becomes they. When I do not like other people they are they. When I am pissed off at my dogs they are they. When I am unhappy (which is normally always before 12pm) every single person is they. I am even they to myself.
When I do not like other people they are they to me. This all too often means my wife, my dogs, my patients, my parents, my sister and all the people who live around me. They are all they to me. Especially before the hours of 12pm.
I lack the ability to get along with other people. I attract o create conflict in the same way that prolific artists create art. It is the one constant in my life. I am incapable of getting along with other people. If I am getting along with other people I know it is only a matter of time before something will wrong. I have been in conflict with other people since the day I was born. I can remember feeling pissed off at the doctor who handled me too tightly when I first came into the world. I was pissed off at the nurse who held me upside down (for way too long) as I was trying to make sense of the bright room I had just been forcibly pushed out into. I was immediately pissed off at my mom for not defending me more against the techniques of this nurse. My father and I have been in conflict my entire fucking life. I mean what the fuck? Why would you do this to your son? Why would you fight with him all the time? You are a doctor, and educated man- aren’t you smart enough to know that you are setting your son up for a life spent in conflict? My father is always they to me. I just do not like the man one bit.
They all piss me off. I don’t get along with any of them. I continually fight with my wife, sister, mom, dad. Continual conflict. There will be some good times but I know that trouble is around the corner. Chekov once said that when a gun enters a scene it must go off. I always think that when another person enters the scene there is going to be trouble. I don’t say it out loud, but when my wife comes into the room I often think, here comes trouble. I need wine and weed just to help mitigate the negative effects of they.
They are all a serious problem for me. I don’t know what to do. They are continually setting me off. They are obviously putting my health at risk. I presume the damage has already been done since I feel fucked up most of the time. I do feel a bit relieved whenever I meet an old man who is miserable and has spent a lifetime in conflict. They give me hope that maybe I can live a long life, living a life always in conflict with someone. I live in a society obsessed with positivity, anti-stress, healthy relationships and happiness. They say that these things greatly improve our chances at longevity even though in the back of my mind I am almost certain that even happy and positive people die. For these reasons, I have tried to be positive and happy. I have tried to reduce conflict in my life. I have seen several people my own age who existed in a state of continual turmoil pass away from cancer. Because of they, I am worried that cancer is coming for me next. Don’t people realize that cancer is relations with other people? I know that I need to be the one who changes, but as long as I am around they– this is impossible. Conflict and troubled are too hard wired into my DNA.
They just piss me off. Always have, always will. What can I do?
I tell myself that I just need solitude. I just need to withdraw from the world. I just need to cut off all relationships. I need to be able to live alone. I have known this since I was a young man and was on a river rafting trip with my father. We floated by a hut in the woods with a single chair out front of it. I asked my father what that was. He said, “That is where a hermit lives son.” I asked, “What is a hermit?” “Son,” my father made sure to begin his answer with the disproving Son. “Son, a hermit is a failed man. A hermit is a man who lives alone and has withdrawn from the world.” I immediately replied, “I want to be a hermit when I grow up!” Son of a bitch. I even knew then.
I feel much healthier and happier when alone. I begin to feel stabilized, normalized when I am alone. My spirits lift and my nerves and blood pressure gradually return to a state that psychologists refer to as homeostasis. But then I crave human interaction. I want to be around my wife. I want to be around other people. I want to be in the world. I want to go to work so that I can get other people’s money. I am always drawn back towards other people but then the trouble starts. Above my desk I have written out notes to myself: Just Become Comfortable In Solitude. Please Spend Several Days In A Row Alone. Learn To Make Friends With Solitude. Take Days Off From Interacting With Your Wife, Sister, Anyone. I know being able to do this is necessary for my survival. I try but am drawn to other people like a moth to a flame.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I am pissed off at everyone. Where is the resolve that they speak about, which is supposed to come from writing? Where is it? Do I feel it? Is it there? I have just poured out my heart and soul. I have just processed complex emotions through writing this. Do I feel any resolution? Do I have more perspective now? Maybe. Maybe I feel a little less pissed off now. Maybe now in my mind my wife is no longer they to me. My sister is no longer they to me. The eight clients I have to meet with today are not they to me. Maybe now I am no longer in the reactive state that I was when I first began this. Maybe I can see how they are also just flawed and fucked up human beings like me. But I am alone right now. I know that the moment another person walks into the room, they will be trouble again.