AUTOPORTRAIT

Inspired by Edouard Leve.

I always put off for tomorrow what I could take care of today. I love coffee in the mornings. I make drip coffee in the mornings but always feel like it takes too long, even though it doesn’t take more than five minutes. I have a difficult time liking other human beings. If someone dresses in a way that I find cool and stylish, I immediately like them. I am often uncomfortable with my style. I want to be more fashionable than I am. I do not practice meditation enough. My toenails must get very long before I do anything about it. This is the final piece of writing I will post on-line. I have been telling myself for years to stop posting my writings on-line. I worry that I am losing energy with age. They are my dogs, but I still resent having to clean up their poop. I quit painting because it requires too much effort and financial investment. I also quit painting because I got tired of the mess. I enjoy the sound of small airplanes flying overhead. This sound reminds me of my father. I do not speak much with my father because I am afraid of what would happen to my mental and physical health if I did. I would like to have a lot more sex than I do. Children make me feel uneasy, but I like them more than I like adults. The sound of a train in the distance reminds me of being in college. People see me as a white guy but I do not see myself as a white guy. I spend a lot of time in the sun, so I can darken my skin and not be seen as white. I could do without art, architecture, movies, theatre, dance, poetry but I could not live without music and literature. America is not something I identify with. I am American. My parents love me but I have had a very difficult time loving them back because I feel like they failed at their job in many ways. I enjoy sitting in the blazing hot sun, with no suntan lotion on, for hours at a time and am not worried about getting skin cancer. I am worried about other physical ailments. Very uncomfortable anxiety is a regular experience for me. Anxiety for me is the immediate fear of disappearing into nothingness without feeling ready to. Riding my bicycle for pleasure, on a sunny and warm day, makes me happier than anything else I do in my life. Sometimes I like to shout out at strangers, when riding my bicycle for pleasure, because I am so happy. I am afraid of dying but I am not afraid of falling asleep. I am more afraid of dying when I am outside of my home than when I am inside of my home. I crave a glass of white wine, two pints of beer, sexual experiences, new music, orgasm, new books, solitude, knowledge, being alive, reading, coffee, doing nothing, observing people from a distance without talking to them, new shoes and clothes, Spain, a good time, being around like minded people, a nice and dark bar, a clean house. I don’t crave status, money, food, going on vacation, watching television, human company, cooking, busyness, work, spending time with more than one person, parties, airplane travel, road trips, hiking, competition, eating at nice restaurants. I have a moderate amount of confidence but not enough to not follow the rules. I do not always enjoy marijuana because sometimes it makes me feel very anxious. I avoid social interaction when possible. Women who feel the same way about sex as I do, meaning sex should be fun and kinky and there should be no emotions bound to it, are my kind of women. I once ran out in to the middle of a busy road and saved a man’s life who had been in a terrible motorcycle accident. People who do not use decent grammar and punctuation in their texts, are not people I want to socialize with. People who do not respond to texts are not people I appreciate. When I am alone I often do nothing. When I am around other people I try and make it look like I did something when I was alone. Watching YouTube, Netflix, iTunes, the news and other television shows I feel is a complete waste of my time and I only do it because I want to vegitate. I really believe that technology is causing people to become much dumber, robotic and more systematically controlled. I am concerned that I have a tumor in one of my testicles but am too afraid to check it out. Technology is something I use regularly and I worry that this could be happening to me. Life frightens me. Underwear often squeezes my testicles too tight and I worry that this is not good for me. I change my hairstyle and facial hair style more often than I would like. Literature is my religion but I have been having a difficult time finishing longer books. The fact that I struggle to finish longer books deeply concerns me. For the past 35 years I have been a full-time, practicing hypochondriac. I wish I would write more. If I don’t finish writing a novel before I die I will not feel like I accomplished what I wanted in this life. Being a recluse appeals to me but I don’t think I could ever really do it. I am dependent on my wife even though I like it when she does her own thing. A messy house upsets me. Horror films terrify me. Nice clothes make me feel happier. Good music is my medicine. I often wonder why all the sirens, all the time? Reading is my favorite activity. Sex is my favorite kind of theatre. Watching the sun set is when I feel the most calm. Working for money is not something I have ever enjoyed. Working as a psychotherapist is a very triggering job for me. Working as a psychotherapist wears me out. I am very introverted. I never work in bed. The moment I open my eyes in the morning I get out of bed. Then I will make coffee and sit down and read for an hour before I do anything else. Thursday night is my favorite night to go out. Sometimes I think about suicide but would never actually do it because I am too afraid. I don’t believe in The American Dream. I think the American Dream is a potential nightmare for most people. In my lifetime I have only had one pleasant interaction with a police officer. I have had over fifty unpleasant interactions. And I am a white guy. Watching leaves sway back and forth in a slight afternoon breeze, relaxes me. My political view is that politics are absurd. I grew up very wealthy but do not care about wealth. I love dogs but I hate the mess they make. Poetry bores me. Naked women excite me. I move my desk around a lot, hoping that if I find the right location for my desk I will sit there more and finish writing a novel. I have been doing this for almost twenty years now and have not yet finished writing a novel. I don’t trust or admire men in business suits. I wish I was working (earning money) as an artist and writer. Mindfulness meditation has helped me more than any other psychiatric, medical or psychological intervention has. I wish that many of my favorite writers, who killed themselves, knew about mindfulness. I like wearing my shirts buttoned up all the way to the top. Not wearing underwear feels uncomfortable for me. I do not enjoy being watched. I am often a lot shyer than I would like to be. I never talk out loud to myself but do not judge people who do. I feel empathy for birds, flowers and trees. When interacting with other people I almost always feel socially ackwards. I have never punched another human. People tell me that I am very tall but I am not aware of this in my day to day life unless somone points it out. I don’t like when people ask me how tall I am. In my mind, men who chose to wear no socks when wearing pants are making a terrible fashion choice. Men who expect other people to clean up after them, I despise. I worry that I sometimes expect my wife to clean up after me and get upset when she doesn’t. I wish I was better at being sexual with my wife or a girlfriend than I am with a complete stranger. When I have to do things that I do not want to do, I have a tendency to get depressed. Going through tunnels or across bridges makes me incredibly anxious. I avoid driving through long stretches of wide open space. I have not been on an airplane in over ten years. My favorite places to go are bars, bookstores and record stores. I don’t get massages. I appreciate money well spent. I am completely disinterested in business men and have no desire to be one myself. Being a mindfulness meditation instructor is challenging for me, I do not particularly enjoy it, but I am grateful that I am able to help others with what I have learned to do to help myself. I am very aware that life can end at any moment; this is why I prefer living in the moment. I do not believe in the future but I hope this is not why I have been procrastinating on several important things I have not been taking care of. Four months ago I lost my driver’s license and have not taken any steps to get another one. I have a tendency to put off doing things that I really do not want to do and will read or go for bicycle rides instead. There are six unfinished novels on my computer. When I am home alone I feel most at rest. Now that I am 45 I do worry that my penis will stop working soon. Aesthetics are important to me because I believe that aesthetically pleasing objects are good ideas in material form. I like to surround myself with good ideas. I judge and distance myself from people who surround themselves with bad ideas. I prefer going places where other attractive women will be. My childhood was ok but I do not have many good memories from childhood. My father yelled a lot when I was young. I would never wear a pink shirt. I consider the writer Edouard Leve a friend even though I have never met him in person. I like people who wear all black and don’t follow the rules. I don’t smoke but enjoy being around smokers. As far as I am concerned the vast majority of Americans are really, really uncivilized and entitled. I enjoy spending time with my small dog more than anyone else. Everytime I hear a siren I am reminded of the fragility of life and feel fortunate that this time, it is not coming for me. I really wish I could have been successful as a writer and artist but do not think that was ever really in the deck of cards for me. I think there are way too many artists and writers out there. I do wish most of them would stop. Especially the ones who do it in order to make money. If I find out that an artist or writer graduated from an MFA program, I immediately lose interest in their work. The two things that I do and really care about, making art and writing, I have taught myself how to do. I have also taught myself how to procrastinate and am really good at that. At 45 years of age, I feel very lucky to have a full head of hair and a body that feels pretty healthy. I think this is because I played a lot of sports when young. I don’t drink soda. I don’t consume fast food. I miss Leonard Cohen very much but did not know him. My hair is thinning and slowly falling out and I am worried about this. I sleep very well. Sometimes when I am in a room with other people I can see all of their hearts beating, blood moving through their veins and organs working. This makes it difficult for me to take most human preoccupations seriously. One thing I do every day is dishes. I avoid doing things that require that I bend over. I believe that I have the ability to be a really good writer and artist but have a hard time going beyond that. When I am depressed I will wear the same outfit for days on end and my wife never seems to notice. I miss living in the San Francisco Bay Area very much. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area. I have always had a difficult time spelling San Francisco. I do not have any friends that I spend time with regularly. Sometimes I wonder if I even have any friends that are not covered in fur. I know that my sister is seriously mentally ill but no one wants to talk about it because my sister is a psychologist. I love my parents and wish for them nothing but the best in life but am much healthier and happier when there is a lot of space between us. It is unfortunate that things are this way. I should stretch more than I do. If I drink coffee in the afternoons I feel anxious. Groups of people do not excite me. I avoid talking on the phone. I envy Thom Yorke and Nick Cave. Professional matters do not interest me. I am not afraid of losing status, high credit scores, professional credibility or possessions but I am afraid of losing my hair. Since I know it is inevitable, at any moment, I don’t fear losing people I love because I know I will be ok. I do, however, fear losing myself or my wife in a tragic accident or from physical causes because I worry that neither of us would ever recover from this. When no one else is around, I will sometimes hug trees. When on walks at night I look in other people’s windows.

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Author: kafkaesque77

It is all on the blog....

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