On Being Bored and Dissatisfied. Conversation #23.

You just killed another fly?

I know. I don’t feel good about it but I don’t like flies in my space. Besides it seems to be the only exciting thing in my life right now.

I see.

Sometimes I just don’t care. I can’t help myself. I know its not a good thing.

You in a bad mood?

I can’t help it.

What’s wrong?

Just feel incredibly dissatisfied. Frustrated.

How could that be possible? You just had an expensive dinner at a really nice restaurant. Two gin and tonics. A delicious salmon dish. How could you possibly be dissatisfied?

Maybe I am dissatisfied that I am dissatisfied. I really don’t know. I worked a long day. I am burnt out on listening to other people. I don’t know. Maybe I am just bored. Unfulfilled.

How? You helped many people at work today. You had a nice dinner with your wife and her parents. It was a beautiful summer night. How could you feel unfulfilled?

I don’t know! Jesus! Am I supposed to have all the answers? I was looking forward to dinner all day. It was a nice meal but for some reason now I am in a bad mood.

I think it is the lack of engagement from your wife.

That is probably part of it. She does not really engage with me. Even though if I told her this she would tell me I was wrong. She brought our small dog to dinner and seemed to engage more with it. She looks into her iPhone continually. Yes, I did not feel engaged with her at all. But I didn’t really make any efforts either.

I see. Do you think you are bored with the conversations?

Terribly. The conversations are very boring. I tried to make interesting conversation but no one seemed interested. I am glad to be with a loving family. It’s nice. But yes….I was and am bored.

I think this is a continual theme in your life. I think you are bored with most people in your life.

I am. Especially now that I am no longer watching porn.

Still no porn?

Nope.

Good.

But I am bored.

Maybe you are bored with yourself?

I am. It’s all dull. No real interesting engagement with anyone.

How about with you therapy clients?

At times, but not much. It is me engaging with the clients. I am working hard like a prostitute trying to get their client off. I guess when not working I want someone to get me off. But no one does and I get bored.

Your wife does not engage you at all?

Very little. It is mostly dull. I try and make the best of it but I have seen my wife dulled down by her iPhone. She continually checks it. Not much I can do about it. If I call her on it she becomes angry. I am seeing almost everyone become dulled down by their smart phones.

Even you?

Yes, even me I suppose. When in Rome.

Well, so here you are in a bad mood again. Bored, unfulfilled, dissatisfied and angry. I am sure a part of it is from just having to interact with so many people. You are probably worn out. The hazards of being a therapist. That is why they call it psychotherapist. Having to engage with so many people makes a person psycho. Another part of it is probably just from not feeling engaged by anyone. You are bored. The closest people to you in your life bore you. What are you gonna do?

What can I do? I have to accept it. Make peace with it and have these conversations with you.

I see.

Not even three gin and tonics and a delicious salmon dinner can take away the pain of feeling bored and dissatisfied. Maybe I should of stuffed myself more.

You always over eat. That is not an answer. Short term gain for long term pain. You know that all eating disorders are a result of feeling bored and dissatisfied.

Yes. Well, not sure what else to do.

I suppose like you said, you have to just accept the way things are. Make peace with it. You are bored and unfulfilled. Could be worse. Maybe tomorrow you will feel differently.

Maybe so. Will wait and see.

Yes.

I think I am just going to go to bed now. Tired and don’t feel so great.

Ok. Go get a good night’s rest and we can talk more tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

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My Hairstyle. Conversation #22.

Why do you waste your time having these ridiculous conversations with yourself?

I am starting to wonder. Not really sure why.

I wonder if it is even helping at all?

Not sure. How would I really know?

Not sure. There is no real marker in the sand or scale by which to weigh any personal growth progress.

Nope. I can only measure it against my life.

How about your hair?

What do you mean?

You should use your hair as a way to gage whether or not these conversations with yourself are helping.

How so?

Well, how do you feel about your hair?

I am frustrated with it. I don’t think I like it very much. I have always had a troubled relationship with my hair.

How so?

I feel like it is the root of most of my insecurities. I never think my hair looks cool enough. I am never really satisfied with my hair and am always comparing it to other men’s hair.

But you have nice hair.

Thanks but I have always been dissatisfied with my hairstyles. My hair is a great source of confusion for me.

In what way?

I just can’t decide on a hairstyle. I am as confused about my hairstyle as I am about my life. Maybe the two are interconnected some how.

Maybe.

I have always been dissatisfied with my hairstyles. Ever since I first started styling my hair many decades ago. My hairstyles have never felt good enough.

Why?

I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am always changing my hairstyle. One day I have decided to grow my hair long. The next day I go and get a haircut. One day I decide I will part my hair to the side and keep it clean cut. The next day I want it to be wavy, long and wild. It is madness.

And now I notice that your hair is thinning a lot on top. You no longer have a full head of hair. Balding is happening. In a matter of years it may be noticeable.

I feel like the thinning is already noticeable. I use thickening hair products. I often ask my wife if my hair looks like it is thinning and she says yes.

Yikes.

I know. Its depressing. I am so used to having a full head of hair. I don’t like it. Someone told me to rub my fingernails together in order to stimulate hair growth. I have been doing this a lot. I want to be able to have a positive relationship with my hair before it is gone.

So what do you need to do in order to make that happen.

I need to chose a hairstyle and stick to it consistently for at least a year. This is what I think.

What hairstyle would that be? Clean cut and parted to the side or free and wavy?

I really want to watch porn right now.

See how the moment something gets stressful your brain wants pleasurable release?

Yes.

Besides, we are not talking about this now. Lets stay on topic, ok?

Ok.

I like the look of clean cut/parted to the side. It is very stylish especially with my beard.

Isn’t that the hip look these days?

Yes. It is. I notice that when my hair is styled this way I get more looks from girls. But it is a trendy look. I see other guys with this exact same look and that makes me uncomfortable. Especially when I see guys who are idiots but have the same beard and hairstyle as me. Makes me feel uneasy. I guess it kind of makes me feel like a follower but then I remind myself that even guys with longer, more anti-establishment hairstyles still have a hairstyle.

I see.

When my hair is free and wavy and longer I feel more like me. I feel like less of a trend or style follower this way. More at ease within myself. But the look is nowhere near as stylish. I feel like I look like a less-stylish-middle-aged-man. I like fashion and when my hair is less stylized I feel less well kept.

But you feel more comfortable inside?

I do.

How come?

Because when it is longer and more wavy and free it looks like less of a hairstyle. Less fashionable and trendy. I suppose this allows me to feel more independent. More in line with “indie” values. Less dependent on fashion and a monthly haircut. It is more of a I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck look. Things are just easier this way.

I see.

Also my hair is thinning so I like to have my hair long and wavy on top while I still have it.

Yes. But also you might want to enjoy being able to have a fashionable hairstyle before your hair thins too much also.

Yes. I realize my hair will not look nearly as stylish once it has thinned more on top. But maybe it is healthier for my hair to just let it be long and wavy on top. To not be weighed down under hair products and a combed down style.

Maybe. I have also heard the more hair you have the more alive you are because hair has nerve receptors that pick up various kinds of sensory stimulation.

Hmmm. So people with less hair are less alive?

In a sense, yes. They are just less stimulate by the experience of being alive. They have less of a sensory experience.

I see.

So what is it going to be?

I just don’t know. I like the idea of having a fashionable hairstyle. I like the idea of being clean cut and looking well put together if you know what I mean.

Yes.

But at the same time I like having a more free and wild look. I like having a full head of wavy hair unencumbered by a parted to the side hairstyle. But then again, I think I am more attractive to the ladies when my hair is more stylized.

Look. You are going to have to make a choice. This back and forth needs to come to and end. I want you to decide on a style now and stick to it for a year.

A year!

Yes. I want you to decide on a style and then manage and maintain it for one year. If you can do this, then you will know that these conversations with yourself are helping in some real and tangible way.

Remember when we talked about no longer killing flies?

Yes.

Remember that we agreed that I would no longer take the life of a fly?

Yes.

Well I am still killing flies.

Ok. I suppose that is one strike against the effectiveness of these conversations. Lets not talk about that now. Lets stick to the hair style topic. What is it going to be?

I hate having to go and get my haircut.

I understand.

If my hair is clean cut and parted to the side I do have to get haircuts more often.

Ok. Make the choice on what you feel best about inside yourself. Not on what others think or on how much interest you get from girls.

This is a tough decision.

Yes.

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So what is it going to be?

Ok. I will keep it short and parted to the side. I will maintain the more fashionable hairstyle. Parted to the side. Longer on top. Shorter on sides and back.

You sure?

Yeah. I like the idea of having a nice hairstyle. For a long time my hair was more long, wavy and I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck. Maybe it is time to let that look go and stick with something different.

I think it is hard for heterosexual men to have a fashionable look. Makes them feel insecure in their masculinity. Takes a bit more effort and inner strength for a heterosexual man to have style.

I agree.

Ok. So we have agreed that you are going to stick to the parted to the side, shorter hairstyle with a full beard?

Yes.

For one year you can not change this look. You need to stick with this.

Ok. Lets do it.

This is one way we will know if these conversations are working.

Yes.

Allright. You have chosen your hairstyle. Now stick to it.

Fair enough.

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But what if I want to change my mind?

 

“Hi! How Are You?” Post #21

Hi! How are you!

I am ok but I never know how to answer that question.

What do you mean?

Exactly.

Exactly what?

You are exactly right.

Right about what?

What do I mean? When I answer that canned question I really do not know what I mean. I most often feel like I do not know if I mean what I am saying. In fact, I often know that I do not mean what I am saying. Maybe this is why I do not like this question- my answer always feels false.

How are you doing now?

I am ok. It is Sunday afternoon. I have been lost inside my head all day. I spent the morning working in my garden. My wife did not arrive home from being out with friends until 6am, so she slept in.

6am! Wow. Were you upset?

Slightly but she does not do this often. I am glad she was out having a good time. She went to some DJ and acrobatic event in downtown LA. I guess it went on until 4am and then she hit a lot of traffic on the way home. I think I was upset because I thought she might have gotten it on with another guy or girl.

Would this upset you?

No. Well yes. What I mean is I am turned on by the idea of her having sexual experiences with other people. I like that, especially when I get to watch. But I would be upset if she did not ask me first.

I see. You thought she did something sexual without asking first?

Yes. That is where my mind goes. I see how it might kill the mood if she had to text me real quick beforehand to ask permission. I would just like there to be some sort of communication first.

Makes sense.

Yes.

So, how are you?

like I said, I am ok. I have some anxiety right now. I always have some anxiety. Feels like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and can fall of at any second. I am overly aware of my mortality. When I spend too much time alone, too much time in my head, this is the place I go to most often.

Does not sound fun.

I have always been this way.

I know.

Creates a lot of uneasiness inside me. I envy people who have no idea of their mortality. People who can live free from this feeling.

Why do you think your mind always goes to such a dark place?

Is it really a dark place or is it just a very aware place? Are not we all up against this edge?

It is aware. Yes it is a fate we all deal with moment by moment but it is dark because it makes your time alive fill with fear.

It is dark because it creates fear. Yes.

I often feel fear.

How about joy?

What does it mean to live with more joy?

To have no fear. When no fear is there joy is.

I see. Maybe this is why I very rarely feel joy. I get excited but I don’t think I ever feel joy.

I know.

Not much at all. Maybe I get close to it when meditating.

You do not meditate much.

Not as much as I probably should.

Do you feel like you probably should be doing a lot of things?

All the time.

This will take away joy as well.

Where are we going with all this?

Hi! How are you?

Really?

I am just trying to get a very honest answer from you this one time. I really want you to know how you are right now.

I see. Well, like I said, I am ok. It is a very hot Southern California day outside. Things are pretty quiet. I have some anxiety in my body and some thoughts of impending doom in my mind. But this is pretty much always the case. I am probably isolating too much. I am probably spending too much time lost in my head. This is never fun. I feel uneasy and hyperactive. I have to go to a wedding later today that I do not want to go to, but I realize it could be a lot worse. I am also just trying to focus on being present and not getting hung up on the future. This is not easy.

Staying focused?

Yes, it is difficult for me.

This because your brain is hyperactive.

Yes. Too much sometimes.

It prevents you from finishing things. Too many things at once.

I am working on focus.

Work at it.

I am.

Work at it harder.

I will.

Finish the drawing you started TODAY.

Ok. I will put my mind to it. This is not really what I wanted to talk about today.

What did you want to talk about?

Pornography, smoking marijuana, the female naked body, my beard, my frustration towards myself, why I have not been able to succeed at being the person I want to be, my mental illness, why I got rid of my tv.

Lots of hyperactive stuff.

Yes.

We can have these conversation at some other time. Today is Sunday. Go easy. It is a day of rest. Take it easy for both of us.

Yes. My wife just got home from the farmer’s market. I am going to see what she got.

Eat lots of vegetables.

If she got tomatoes I want to interview them before I eat them.

Ok. You do that weirdo.

I want to know what the tomatoes know.

 

 

How To Screw Up A Relationship. Post #20

You ok?

I am. I am ok now.

That was quite a terrible scream your wife just let out. Sounded like she was giving a very painful birth. Probably terrified the neighbors.

Yeah. It was a terrifying scream. A release of complete rage. My ears are still ringing.

What happened?

We are fucked up.

I know. This is partially because you are fucked up. But what happened?

We were driving home from LA. A nice evening in the city. We had a few drinks, bought some books and other things, ate a good dinner. While driving on the freeway my wife suddenly remembered that in two days (Sunday) it is her aunt’s wedding. I was shocked. My reaction was overly surprised. Immediately I knew that I would have to go to the wedding and was upset because I was being told about it two days before. I really, really, really value having my Sundays free of all obligations so I was upset. (Here comes my wife. Hang on.)

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Everything ok?

Strange. She just came into my room to give me a kombucha. Her makeup was running down her face. “What are you doing I said?” “What? I just wanted to give you a kombucha,” she replied. “That is weird,” I said and we both giggled. She then told me that she was truly and sincerely sorry for everything that happened.

Sorry for what?

Well I did get upset that I had the wedding sprung on me at the last second. But I got even more angry when my wife told me that I should of known, I should of remembered. I was at a dinner with her parents two weeks ago and something was said by her mother about the wedding but it was very brief and did not mention a date or anything. We were drinking and I was paying little attention to what was being said. Because of this my wife told me that I knew about the wedding. That I was there when we all talked about it. “Talk about it? What are you talking about? I recall your mom briefly mentioning something but it was hardly talking about anything,” I said. I told my wife that I did not know about the wedding and she continued to tell me that I did know and that I should of remembered and that basically it was not her fault for forgetting to remind me or let me know the exact date of her aunt’s wedding.

Hmm. She feels like you should of known based on what her mom said about the wedding a few weeks back?

Yes. And she also tells me that she talked to me about the invitation that she got via email a year ago and I should of remembered that as well. That I should of come to her and asked her when the wedding was. That I should have known. I became enraged in the car. I screamed out, “I had no idea the wedding was in two days!! Why are you telling me that I knew when I am telling you I did not know!!!” I almost punched the window. I called her crazy for telling me that we had various conversations about the upcoming wedding that I know for a fact we did not have. I am the kind of person that if you tell me about the date of an upcoming obligation I will not forget. I do not forget obligations. My wife kept arguing with me, I kept arguing with her and our car almost exploded because of all the anger and tension.

Never call a woman crazy.

I know. I was furious. Lost my grip a bit.

Jeeze.

In my mind the fact is that my wife forget to tell me about the wedding. She just forgot. She is a very forgetful person. Things like this happen all the time with her. The fact that she was trying to put me in the wrong (“I should of known. I should of heard what her mom was saying”) really upset me. I was never formally invited to the wedding. I was never asked if I wanted to go. I just overheard my wife’s mother briefly mention something about the wedding and now I am supposed to know exactly when it is? Seems nuts to me.

Yeah, it does seem unfair. Your wife should of just been able to apologize that she had forgotten about the wedding and leave it at that. Granted your initial reaction to being told about the wedding was harsh and her response was probably just a defense.

Defense against what?

She did not like how you reacted. She felt somehow threatened and became defensive. “What? You should of known. It’s not my fault,” was a defensive maneuver. I think she also knew she was in the wrong but could not admit it. She became defensive and focused on what you were doing wrong so she did not have to look at herself. But you played in to her defensiveness. You should of left it alone.

I should have. I know. I messed up by fighting back. It was a no win situation. I don’t know why I did it. I was angry. I felt like I was being accused of something I did not do. I felt manipulated. Messed with. But my reaction was not good. It is terrible that I got like that. I hate it. So unhealthy.

Yes, but let it go. You messed up but I can see how you felt trapped in a corner. You could of just breathed and let it go though.

Yes. I should have. It just happens so much. I often do just shut up. I let my wife win. I do not react to her defensiveness. But I guess sometimes I blow it, especially after a few cocktails. Sometimes I mess up.

You were tired. You were up really early. You had a few drinks. You were in a car, which gives you anxiety as is. It has been a rough week. The conditions were just not right for you to keep your cool. You blew up. It happens.

So strange how just an hour before we were having such a nice time. These things come out of nowhere like earthquakes. It is very discouraging. Makes me want to isolate. Makes me not want to spend time with her. I am concerned about us.

I know things are not good. You both love each other very much but you guys are not getting on so well anymore. You have sex maybe once a month and it seems you guys are just very gradually growing apart.

Makes me very sad because we were both once so in love.

Yeah. It happens. Couples spend time fighting, don’t really deeply connect, stop having sex, just get into their individual routines and gradually the love fades. You experienced this once before in your last marriage.

Yeah. It is happening all over agin. Very discouraging. I thought this relationship would be so different. But I am acting almost the same way as I did back then.

Wherever you go there you are.

So you think this is my own doing?

Probably. You are a mess. I mean you are a good guy and sometimes you are good but you are deeply unhappy inside. What do you expect?

I guess I expect more love and understanding.

Everyone only has so much of that to give. Your wife had a lot of that at one time but I think you have burned her out.

So I am the one that has fucked up things?

She plays her part. She is very reactive and defensive. She does like to push your buttons. She could give you more of her attention. She is very forgetful. She could certainly make much more of an effort. She has withdrawn and become neglectful with regards to really working on the marriage. I will give you this. But she really, really loves you. You are the one who is afraid of love. You are always unhappy and angry. Always down about something. When she tries to come on to you you turn her away. You give her a hard time about stuff. You are always on her back about something you think she is doing wrong. Day in and day out, this wears away at a person.

I get it. I know I am difficult. But she does things that piss me off. Always on her iPhone. Disorganized. Poor communicator. Forgetful. Procrastinator. It happens all the time and I just point it out. Am I not aloud to say anything?

Say something but you do it all the time!

Because she does these things all the time.

But she does not need you nagging her. It is just who she is. She is working on it but you are not helping her by always being on her back. You are just showing her that you do not accept her as she is! By the way all those things you labeled your wife as, sounds more like you are describing things that you do not like about yourself.

Really?

Yes. I live with you. I know.

I am not a poor communicator.

Almost punched the window does not sound like good communication skills to me.

Ok.

Look. All I am saying is that you are difficult. You are unhappy. She is not innocent by any means. Sure she could be a lot more understanding and loving but that is asking a lot. She does the best she can. She is 14 years younger than you and still learning. You are the one who is continually being difficult towards her. All those things you do not like about her are just projections coming from within yourself. They are things you do not like about you. You get angry when you see her behaving in these ways because you want her to take care of things and fix things and be on her iPhone less because you can’t do these things for yourself! Its not fair.

Yeah. This makes sense. Jeeze. I am fucked up.

Sometimes.

……

So what are you going to do now?

I dont know. I am still pissed. Even though you say I am the difficult one. I still feel like I was treated unfair. I just want to go to bed. I will probably let it go by sometime tomorrow night.

You will stay upset for that long?

Probably.

But she has already apologized. Let it go.

Not that easy.

The reason why you are always so frustrated with your wife is because you are frustrated with yourself.

Yeah, well, this is probably true. Don’t ever marry a frustrated man. A man who feels like he has failed in life.

You have not failed.

I feel that way. What am I supposed to do about this?

You have to learn how to not be so frustrated with yourself.

How do I do this? I haven’t got a clue.

Maybe you should go get some sleep. We can talk more about this some other time.

Ok. Sounds good.

Ok.

Thanks for your help tonight. I feel better.

Good.

Masturbating Under The Avocado Tree. Post #19

Shouldn’t you meditate in the morning first?

I should do a lot of things I don’t do.

Like what?

I dont want to talk about that now.

So then why did you wake up at 6:34am this morning and go straight out into your garden and masturbate under the avocado tree?

I needed release. I could not sleep.

But why did you go out into your backyard? Why not the bathroom?

Because it was not my intention to masturbate in my backyard. I went out back to watch the sun come up. I noticed that I had an erection. Suddenly I was seized by a desire to masturbate.

I see. I can understand that. But why not just go back inside your house and do it? Why outside?

I dont know. I wanted a change of scenery. Something different. It felt slightly deviant to do it outside.

Under the avocado tree?

Yes. Under the avocado tree.

Hopefully none of your neighbors saw you. You would be forever discredited as a respectable and professional member of the community if they saw you with your pajama bottoms down around your ankles masturbating in your backyard.

I realize this.

Did you consider it? I mean something like this could ruin you!

A part of me already feels ruined. No, I did not consider it. Like I said, I just needed a release and went for it. I didn’t give it too much thought.

Well, in the future you may want to. It would be a terrible thing if one of your neighbors happened to be looking over the fence into your yard.

Ok. In the future I will keep this in mind. I suppose that since I am trying hard to not watch pornography I am now needing different forms of sexual stimulation. Normally, I masturbate at my desk in front of my computer screen. But since I can not do this anymore I decided to give the backyard a try. Masturbating with my eyes closed in the bathroom over the bathroom sink gets boring after awhile. I wonder how much sperm gets washed down our drains?

Probably a lot.

Yeah. I think it would blow our collective minds if we really knew.

Probably. Look I can understand why you masturbated in your backyard. You wanted something different. But you are now just a fine line from masturbating at the shopping mall, in your car, at a restaurant, while sitting by a public pool, while on a walk and various other public places.

Yeah. I understand. I wont let it come to that even though I have been thinking about masturbating in my car while driving.

Please do not do that. Please. If you were seen by someone who knew you or seen by a cop you would be ruined. It would be headline news if a popular meditation teacher and psychotherapist was caught masturbating in his car while driving. Please do not do this.

You are right. You are right. Ok. I will abstain from masturbating beyond the perimeters of my home.

If you could keep it inside your home that would be ideal.

Will try.

Ok.

Although I must say it was fun masturbating under the avocado tree.

I Don’t Want To Do Anything

What is going on?

I don’t know.

Yes you do. Talk to me. I don’t have much time, so tell me.

I just don’t want to do anything.

Why?

I don’t really know. I just have very low energy. I feel discouraged.

Discouraged about what?

What I have accomplished in my life. That I am not doing what I want to do. You know, same stuff.

I see. Well, why don’t you get your shit together and start doing what you want to do?

Because I don’t want to do anything. I just don’t have it in me right now. I feel flat. Bored. Tired.  I told my wife that I feel like I am filled with sand.

Does it hurt?

Yes. I think I might feel this way, or a part of the reason I feel this way, is because I spent the past three days working with people, listening to their problems. deeply engaging with them, trying to sympathize, trying to stay interested, trying to give them all I could give. Now I have nothing left inside. Just feel flat.

I see. This is true. When introverts work as psychotherapists it is possible that they can end up very unhappy people. Working with other people in such an intensive way can empty out an introvert.

Yes. I feel so emptied out that it is hard to believe that there is a world filled with people out there doing all kinds of engaged things.

Let me ask you a few questions.

Ok. Do you feel lassitude?

What does that mean?

A lack of energy.

Yes. I do.

Ok. Do you feel hebetude?

What does that mean?

A state of feeling dull and/or lethargic.

Yes. Very much so.

Do you feel weariness?

Remind me of what that means?

Fatigue, reluctance to see or experience any more of something.

Yes. Absolutely. All of the salted pumpkin seeds that I have been eating are not proving helpful.

Ok. How about indolence? Do you feel indolent?

What does that mean?

Avoidance of activity or exertion.

Absolutely.

Inanition? Which means a lack of mental or spiritual vigor and enthusiasm.

Yes. Indeed. There is no vigor or enthusiasm anywhere within me to be found.

I see. Torpor?

Yeah. I feel mentally and physically inactive.

You my friend are suffering from serious depression. You really need to get some help. It is not good to be feeling this way.

I know. But that is why I am talking with you. I was hoping that you could be my help.

I can do what I can, but I can’t do it all for you. You are going to have to seek out help. Does your wife help?

She does what she can but I think she choses to forget about it. It is just too hard for her to confront. Besides, she also works as a psychotherapist. I think she is all problemed out when it comes to me. Just does not have much left in her to really care. But I am sure she does care someplace within her. I also do not want to burden her. I am just hanging out, going easy and waiting for this feeling to pass. That is all I can really do, right?

Yes. Eventually, hopefully it will pass. You are good at waiting it out. The problem is that this state is continually recurring. This is what concerns me. This is why I think you need to seek help.

I see. Not yet. I am just going to read my books. Listen to music. Water my garden. Try and sleep. Do what I can and wait for it to pass. Maybe I will look into some natural supplements for depression. I just do not want to go on any medication.

I understand. But it could be helpful.

I know. But I am not ready yet.

Did you call your mom?

I did. She texted me and told me she was busy today.

Did you tell her why you were calling?

No. I don’t want to burden her.

You should.

Don’t want to.

You should.

Don’t want to. For the most part, my mother has been a great disappointment to me my entire life. It’s not going to change now. It’s just the way it is. I’m used to it.

Sounds like a terrible mom.

She has been pretty terrible. Just out to lunch. In her own world. Loyal to my father. Uncomfortable around her kids. An odd lady. I don’t want to talk about her anymore.

I see. Ok.  Well I am sorry you feel this way.

Thanks.

Wish I could do more.

I think I will go to the market and buy myself some food to make for dinner. Maybe I will make a salad. My wife is going out dancing with a girlfriend (her lover) tonight so I will be home alone.

You are always home alone.

A lot of the time. Yes.

Ok, well take care of yourself whatever you do.

I will. I am just going to read and listen to records. Will go to sleep early. Hopefully I can get to sleep. Lately, when I put my head down on the pillow my mind is spinning. All kinds of mental chatter. Take me awhile to get to sleep. Why do you think this is?

…….

You still there?

………..

Ok. I guess we are done.

 

The Benefits Of Taking A Walk

How was your walk?

It was good. Helpful. Thank you for the suggestion.

Sure. I felt like getting out, walking around, getting some sun could help you.

It did.

Still in a bad mood?

Its not so bad now. I am ok. I walked. Listened to a podcast from a guy by the name of Duncan Trussell. I found a soccer ball.

You found a soccer ball?

Yes. That is what I said.

Sorry. Sometimes I do not hear so well.

Yes. I found a soccer ball. I bounced it as I walked. I threw it up in the air and caught it. And I kicked it really hard several times.

That must of been nice.

What?

Kicking it.

Oh yeah. It felt great to just kick the shit out of a soccer ball. It was fun. I kicked it as hard as I could. Didn’t go very far and I may have pulled or sprained a muscle in my leg. Been awhile since I kicked a soccer ball.

Ouch.

Yeah. But it was worth it. Fun to just play around with a soccer ball like I used to do when I was a kid. I don’t think I play around enough.

You don’t really play at all.

Yeah. This is true. I don’t play much. But sometimes when I go for walks and am alone and free, I play around more. This is why walking is good for me. It gives me the space, time and freedom to just play around if I want.

Explore.

Yeah. I just explore, walk around and play.

That’s nice. It is good for you to do this.

I think so. I like play. It’s good. I feel ok now. Still don’t want to have to go to work and have all these deep, dull and long conversations with people, but I feel better now.

Good. You will get through the day. Just stay present. Don’t identify too much with your ego. When you notice that you are thinking too much, just return your attention back to your breathing. Notice sounds that you are hearing. Feel sensations in your body and let the thoughts go. Just try and be present with what is. Not in the future and not in the past. Just right here.

Yes. That is what I will do. That is what I am doing. I might smoke a little weed to take the edge off.

That is fine. Maybe not the best idea, but if it helps go ahead. Just don’t get too high. You don’t want to be too high while doing psychotherapy with other people.

No I won’t. I never do. Just helps lighten the load and cheer up the mood. When I am slightly high it makes it a little easier to engage and be interested in other people. Makes my job less heavy.

Ok. We can discuss this later. May not be a good long term solution. Just go easy. Try and have fun and play around as you go through the day. Don’t get too sucked into the human condition. Just stay present. Take it easy.

Yeah. I will do so. Talk to you later.

Sounds good.