Cobwebs

Why do cobwebs piss you off so much?

I don’t like them?

Why?

They are ugly. Messy.

Yes.

….

Why else?

They are symbolic of mortality. The passage of time.

What do you mean?

I mean that when we are not here, cobwebs will be here. There is nothing that we can do about them. Our attempts to stop them are temporary and transitory. It is a futile effort. Cobwebs will out live all of us.

So then why even bother taking up the fight against cobwebs? Why not just accept and embrace them?

Because that is not what humans do. Us humans battle against time. Us humans like to deny time. Pretend like time is not happening. We want to keep our bodies and living environments as unaffected by time as possible. We must create this dream for ourselves in order to deny our mortality. It is what keeps us sane.

Denying our mortality keeps us sane?

In a sense. But it also makes us insane. We are trying to hold back something that can not be held back. We are trying to push aside the inevitable and I believe it was Freud who basically said this is the root of all neurosis.

Trying to push aside time?

Yes.

Is that why you are so neurotic?

What do you mean?

Are you neurotic because you try so hard to deny the passage of time?

What are you talking about?

You think that you are content with the passing of time. You see yourself as this evolved and aware human being. But the truth is you struggle just like all the rest. You refuse to grow up, which in itself is a denial of time. You are continually trying to keep your house perfectly clean and free of cobwebs. This also is a denial of time. You live in your head, which is a huge way of denying the passing of time and your inevitable mortality. You have a wife who is much younger than you. Plus you are trying so hard to keep everything else together (body, bank balance). You my friend are a huge denier of the passing of time.

Yes. Maybe this is what causes a lot of my anxiety and restlessness. But I would not think of myself as a neurotic.

You are a complete neurotic.

What?

Just ask your wife.

Ok. Maybe I am.

This is why you hate cobwebs so much! This is why if you come home at say 2am and notice a cobweb, even if you are extremely tired, you will go out of your way to get rid of it! People who are not neurotic would not do this! The would not care nearly as much about needing to get rid of cobwebs as you do.

Ok. Maybe this is true. You are saying that the reason why I hate cobwebs as much as I do is because I am neurotic?

That is exactly what I am saying.

(I am moving my head up and down. Stroking my beard. Pondering.)

 

 

 

Thom Yorke and I? Post #2

Is that how you spell Thom Yorke?

I am not sure.

But I thought the guy is one of your favorites?

I do respect him, yes.

Respect? I thought he was one of your heroes?

Heroes? I suppose he is. He is someone I look up to. Someone whom I feel won the game. But I feel like the older I get, the more I lose interest in heroes.

What do you mean by “won the game?”

Oh gosh, why are you asking me this? It is a tough question to answer, but what I basically mean is he has not (as far as I know) had to really sell out. He has gotten to be incredibly successful doing exactly what he wants to do. He has been able to live on his own terms. I am sure he has to do things he does not want to do. I am sure he suffers like all the rest of us. But he has created his own path through this world, which is filled opportunities to conform and sell out. He has been successful doing his own thing. Make any sense?

Yes. I get it. He is lucky indeed. He is one of the few.

Exactly.

So this makes him your hero?

As I said, I am not so sure that hero is the right word. I just really appreciate what he has pulled off. Plus he makes art (music) that has been very influential on me. I like his work and am very inspired by it. I think it is great that he can do the kind of art he does and be so successful at it. There is nothing more that I would want for myself.

Then why don’t you go after that?

Are you kidding?

No, why don’t you try to create that reality for yourself?

Just seems too far-fetched now. I have tried and it hasn’t worked out thus far. I am in my mid forties now. I lack youthful energy and inspiration. I own a house and have a wife. I have a job that drains me. I just don’t think it is possible at this point. I need to conform if I want to maintain my lifestyle.

What bullshit man. You know those are just excuses. It is fear talking.

Maybe so, but I just don’t think that I have the energy that it would take to pull it off. I am burned out man. A lifetime of anxiety, depression, arguing with my father and intimate partners, struggling inside of myself, all these things I feel have drained my energy reserves. And to create any kind of good art, a person needs a good fill of energy.

What bullshit. See all these excuses you make for yourself? You could do it, you just do not want to do it. You are just too lazy to pull it off. It is not a question of time, energy or talent. You have those. You just don’t want to put in the work. People like Thom Yorke who you admire, they do the work.

Maybe so. I do think it is easier for Thom to do the work since he is already in the flow of it. He has the admiration of many to push him along. People want him to make stuff. No one cares about what I write. No one cares if I make a drawing or painting. No one cares if I create something or not. It is hard to keep it going when no one cares if you keep it going or not.

Yeah, I could see how that would be rough. After all these years of writing and making art, to still have no one who cares would make it tough to want to carry on.

Yes.

But you still could. You still could keep at it, keep trying and not worry about how things come to pass.

I could. In a way I guess that is what I am doing here. By having this conversation with myself I am trying to keep a part of myself going.

What part is that?

The creative part. The part that has a lot to say. The part that wants to express all these ideas, opinions and stories that are continually stuck in my head. The part that knows that I was put on this earth (for whatever reason) to do this.

Well, I guess you need to keep at it then.

Yes.

Use Thom Yorke as your inspiration. You guys are around the same age. Rather than being envious of what he gets to do and how much money he makes (I know it would be nice to have that kind of money) just know that if he is still doing it, if he is still at it, you can be as well.

Yes. I will try to keep that in mind.

Let Thom Yorke pull you along.

That sounds ridiculous.

Just trying to be helpful.

Ok. Thanks.

Why Are You So Depressed Today? Post #1

Why are you so sad today?

I would like to know.

That is why I am asking you.

It is a big question to answer. I am sure that there is a lot going on that I am not aware of. First off, I just feel generally unwell. I have felt generally unwell for a while now. Recently did a remodel on my kitchen. Could be a result of the various chemicals and toxins that I have been inhaling. Also could be feeling this way because of the high heat that has been going on this summer. Could also be from toxins in the environment that I live. Could also be from depression. Hard to say what is causing what. I’ve had a rash on my neck for awhile now that is very itchy. That has been annoying but it also tells me that something is off in my body.

Any other symptoms?

I have a general loss of interest in all activities. I am fatigued. Lots of negative thoughts. I feel very unhappy.

Have you been exercising?

No, I have not. I go for walks and stuff but no real exercise.

Have you been drinking a lot of alcohol or smoking weed?

No.

Do you feel sad?

Yes. Today I feel very sad. On the verge of crying a lot. It is my day off. I worked the past three days. I wonder if this has anything to do with it. I work as a psychotherapist. Maybe I take in a lot of my clients despair. I can relate. I think it infects me.

Yes. If you already have a predisposition to depression and anxiety I am sure that it does.

It is hard because I hold up this image of being a very mindful man. I present well. People probably think I am a grounded person. I am working with people who are struggling emotionally and psychologically and they look to me for guidance. I teach people how to be mindful as if I have mastered the art. I don’t feel like I am able to really live up to how I present myself and this makes me sad. People who come to me for psychological and emotional help should get someone who is better able to manage their own emotional and psychological health. Besides, I do not like this responsibility. It is too much. I do not like having to be someone who I am not. I do not like having to present people with information and techniques that I am not really behind 100%. It is hard to feel this way.

Yes. I am sure it is but I think most people feel this way. I am sure this is a daily struggle for most professionals.

Yeah. Well, I don’t like it. Not the life I imagined for myself. I just do not feel emotional or psychologically qualified to be in this position. It is hard to fake it. Makes me sad.

Why does it make you sad?

Well. I feel like I am leading people astray. I pretend to be interested in things that I am not. I really try to care. I really try to get interested in things. I want to be more interested. I want to be able to be more committed to my work but I can not seem to pull it off. I want to want to be a psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher!!!!!!!!!! I really struggle with this.

Why?

Why do you always ask me why?

Because I want to get to the bottom of this.

I see. Well I am not sure that I have the answer to this. I do not know why I am so incapable of getting into this line of work. I want to say: because I do not really like talking with people about problems and listening to people talk about problems, I often get uncomfortable anxiety when talking with people, I find the work very unstimulating and very uninteresting, I find talking about mindfulness incredibly dull, I do not like the idea of being a licensed professional, I do not respect licensed professionals so why would I want to be one? I suppose that I find the work very dull. I have to do a lot of pretending and this requires a great deal of effort. I also am someone who wanted to make it. By make it I mean, be someone who lives more of a non-conformist lifestyle. Someone who goes against the grain. Someone who keeps their soul intact. I am finding all of this hard to keep up because doing what I do (being a psychotherapist) innately suggests conformity to a particular system/profession.

Yes.

But at the same time I am grateful to have a job that pays decently and where I am able to help others in profound ways. I am grateful to not to have to depend on my parents for money. I am grateful that I get to live a decent quality of life. I have nice things, nice house and having once been poor and down and out, I am grateful to have the lifestyle I do.

Sucks that these things do not bring you pleasure.

I wish they did! That is what I was hoping for but does not seem to be working out that way. What is my problem? Just got a beautifully remodeled kitchen and still I feel this way! WTF? So depressing. I do not understand how with all these nice, wonderful things around me I could still feel this way.

You said that you feel generally unwell.

I do.

Maybe it is a medical condition? You are not a young man anymore. May want to look into it.

Probably should. It feels like it has been growing over the past several years. Even when I was poor- I never felt like this. Not sure what it is. Maybe I am just really out-of-place. Maybe I am just really isolated and alienated.

What about your wife?

I love and like my wife very much. But whatever I am suffering from makes it really difficult for me to feel anything other than anger, sadness and a kind of neutrality. I am always angry with her. Always frustrated that she is not doing this or that or is doing this or that. I am always perturbed by something she does. Intimacy between us has gone away. We do not have sex anymore. I was in this exact situation in my last marriage. I have done it again. I have pushed my wife away from me. Again. I learned this from my father. My father is a man who is always unhappy with me. Can not do anything right by him. Always frustrated with something I am doing or not doing. Shuts himself down. Cuts himself off emotionally and withdraws affection. I have learned this from my dad.

Can’t you change it?

I have been trying. Seems bigger than me.

Do you feel pleasure anymore?

No. Not really. Briefly.

That sucks.

Yes. I would like to feel more pleasure. Even now, I just want to take a nap.

We are almost done. Just stick with me a bit longer. We need to try to work this out.

Ok.

Feeling any better?

Yes. But still feel generally unwell.

Sounds like you are suffering from a kind of malaise.

Yes.

General lack of interest in things, fatigue and a general feeling of unwellness.

Yes. I have been trying to take supplements, cold showers and listen to binaural beats to up my mood. Not sure if it has been working. At the moment does not feel like it is working but have not done it yet today.

Are you creative much anymore?

No. Have not been able to gather enough energy together to commit myself to anything. Have not really been creative at all. I want to write novels, stories, start a blog, draw, maybe even paint but I have not done anything. When I start doing something I just get tired. I lose interest quickly. The only things I really seem to want to do is: eat, read, have a drink or two, watch something on Netflix, sleep, sometimes listen to music, sometimes watch pornography and masturbate, go on Facebook, check my iPhone. Everything else seems to be a struggle.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to about this?

Not really. I try to talk to my wife about it but I do not feel like she understands. I tried to call my mom to talk but she did not pick up her phone which is typical. I am not even sure that she would be able to understand. I don’t feel like anyone understands really. No one can get it. And if I talk about it I just make other people feel bad. I do not want to make other people feel bad because it just makes me feel worse.

Are you suicidal?

Probably. I would never do it but I am probably as close as you can get without wanting to actually do it. I think about it. But I lack the courage to actually do it. Besides, I could not do that to my wife. But when she leaves the home the thought does cross my mind that I could do it now but I would not want to put her through having to come home and finding me. I would never intentionally put her through that. I think.

Hmm.

Also things have not been good between us. I am not sure if this is because of how I feel or if I feel this way because things are not good between us. I know that I get very down when we are not getting along. We have not been getting along for years now. We have periods where we get along great but for the most part I do not feel like we are getting along very well. Makes it difficult for me to feel love for her. This makes me sad because I do love and care for her very much. I wish I could actually feel joy, love, happiness. I can’t most of the time. Just anger, sadness, neutrality. Flat. I wonder if the reason we do not get along is because of me.

Why?

I’m a mess. I turned her away sexually all the time for years. I never come on to her. I do not show much sexual interest in her. TOOOOOOOOO scary. Don’t know how. Feels strange. I am also always getting pissed off. She is very forgetful and I often get pissed about this. If things are not clean, if things are dirty or messy, if things are out of place- I get pissed! If I see a mess in my house, I get pissed. I feel like she is being lazy and/or forgetful and not keeping things clean. I feel like she is not making enough of an effort to take care of our home. But maybe I just need to do more. Maybe I get pissed because I do not want to clean. I want her to keep more clean. I don’t know. All I know is that I am always getting pissed because I feel like my house is out of whack and I usually blame her for this. She is messy. She is disorganized. She is forgetful. But it is not her fault in some ways. I think she does the best she can. But I get pissed because I feel she should try harder.

Jerk.

Yes. Sometimes I can be a real jerk and this makes me sad. I wish I was not this way. I wish I could afford someone to just clean my house and take care of these things. I don’t want to be this way. My dad was this way. Always pissed and unhappy about something with some good moods in between. But his good moods would turn into asshole moods very quickly. I fear I have become the same way.

Interesting how we inherit a lot of our personality and moods from our parents.

Yes, we sure do. Look. I could go on and on here but I think I have said enough. I do not think that there is a cure to be had right now. I feel better from just having this conversation. I feel a bit lighter. It is really hot out and I feel a bit too fatigued to continue on. I think I will go read, listen to music, finish cleaning my house, maybe watch some porn and take a brief nap. I will also take some supplements and see if I can not lift myself out from this a bit. I do feel a bit better now. There is a lot more that I could say. I think this is enough for right now.