The PSYCHOtherapist. Conversation #44.

I feel psycho. Literally, like a madman.


I don’t know. I fell pissed off. I think some of it has to do with having everyone else’s crap dumped into me like some kind of recycling receptacle.

What are you recycling?

Other people’s misery, unhappiness, suffering, self-absorption. It is coming up in me now. This is a hazard of being a psychotherapist. It can turn a person into a PSYCHOtherapist.

So you think you are upset because everything that everyone paid a lot of money to dump into you all week is now coming out in you.

Yes! How could it not? To hell with this psychology profession. I am sorry. It is ultimately one big scam. It helps in the short rem but ultimately life is suffering and there is no getting out of that unless you want to destroy your ego and become a lobotomized Buddhist.

Lobotomized Buddhists are a lot happier than you.

Maybe. I don’t think so. I think they are just better at numbing themselves into some kind of satisfied submission. They just erase themselves in order to become happier. I’m not willing to do that. I want to fight the fight. I want to feel it all. I want to be human. Makes for a more interesting and well-rounded human being.

You really think you are interesting and well-rounded right now? Come on man. You are just a miserable bastard at the moment.

Maybe so. My job is making me psycho. Hour after hour. Day after day. Listening and engaging with others about their misery. Their problems. Their struggles. It is toxic just like bad air. They don’t teach you this in grad school. Being a psychotherapist exposes you to constant toxicity just like any other worker who is regularly exposed to toxic chemicals. A psychotherapist is just exposed to toxic negative energy. I am sick of it.

So why don’t you quit.

Because at this point I would probably be miserable no matter what I did.

Maybe. But it sounds like being a psychotherapist is really taking a toll on you.

It is. But just like a well paid whore, it is tough to get out of the business! I am my own boss. I make good money. I am able to buy myself things that I like to compensate for my misery. The American way! It would be hard to escape this business without a major lifestyle change.

Maybe you should try. This does not sound god for you.

I resent all these people who come to me with their problems. I resent that people even feel they need to see a therapist. These people who come to therapists are the ones who keep the profession going. Just like people who go to hookers keep the profession of prostitution going. It is these people who are willing to pay for services to deal with their messed up issues that enable the torment and suffering of therapists and hookers. And most therapists and hookers pretend like everything is fine because they want to get paid! Why can’t people figure out their own issues. Why can’t people just get it together. Everyone is so fucked up. I am going nuts. I feel like I am going PSYCHO. What shall I do? Maybe I will just pet my dogs. Talk to my dogs. I need to find a way out of this. Other people are sick and fucked up. They poison me with their sickness. I want out of this. This is a bad trip. But the money is so good and everyone respects me. Everyone looks to me for answers. Everyone sees me as such a wise human being. But what a price I pay. I am miserable. This is messed up. I feel poisoned. I need this negative energy out of me. I want to forget about ever being a psychotherapist. I need to just return to myself. Just let go. Just…..

Breathe man. Just breathe. Come on don’t lose it on me. Just calm down. I realize that you are in a tough situation but you took the day off. Just let that part of you go. That is what you have to do to earn a living but you don’t have to do it today. Just let it go for now. Come back to yourself. Do the things you like to do. Come back to you.

(Taking deep breaths. Many deep breaths). Yes ok. I feel crazy. I need to snap out of this. I’m going to draw for a while. The maid is here to clean my house. I need to go offer her some water or something. Thank her for cleaning my house and then pay her with the money that I have to sell my health and well being and peace of mind to be able…..

Hey. Hey. Hey. Come on man. Calm down. Knock it off. Everything is fine. Take a deep breath. Good. You are ok. Just coming down from a long and difficult week at work. Just let it go. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Meditate. Just chill out. You have the day off. Forget about being a psychotherapist for today.


(To Be Continued)>



How To Endure The Life Of A Writer. Conversation #27.

“Talent is extremely common. What is rare is the willingness to endure the life of the writer.” -Kurt Vonnegut

You see, I do this thing, I live this life, but it is hard for me to feel happy about it.

Why is that?

Because I am not doing what I love (for money). You read about and see people all over talking about how lucky they are to wake up and do the thing they love to do. “It is not work because I love doing it!” I hear this a lot. Lucky bastards. I don’t have this. I don’t feel this.

But you get to help people as a psychotherapist. As a meditation teacher you get to help people be more present and find healthier ways of living. The work that you do bleeds out into the world in so many ways that you are unaware of. You help countless people. You have such a deep influence in so many people’s lives.

This is great. I am happy about this. But I am not a fan of other people. “I want to be of service to others.” This has never resonated with me. “Let others fend for themselves.” This resonates with me. I do not love helping other people learn how to better deal with their problems. I am not even sure any of it works in the long term. A part of me feels like psychotherapy and meditation is just a scam. Neither work in the long term.

So you do not really believe in the work that you do?

Only a bit. I think these things can help people but only in very subtle ways. The truth is that I am just not that interested in the work I do. I do not think it is very interesting. I am bored by it. Other people bore me. The money I am able to make is good, but is this really the point? To make good money but feel unhappy all the time? You feel like something is missing. Like you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing. I try to get into the work that I do. I try to love it but it doesn’t seem to work. I am just not a people person. I don’t love people and I am in the people business.

How has this happened to you?

Just taking the easy way out. Just doing what I thought I was supposed to do. Wanting to make money. Following the rules. Too afraid to take big risks. Playing it safe. This is how this sort of thing happens. Plus I have never really had the ambition and/or energy to really apply towards doing the thing I love at a larger level. I have been too timid. Too held back. I haven’t applied myself enough because of a fear of failing I suppose. It is much easier to take a path others have created for you (professions) but there is a big price to pay if you don’t love it.

So now you are stuck. You have bills. You are in debt. You own a home. You have a career that you do not love. Your work feels like work. When you are not working you feel this hole and this envy for others who get to do the thing they love. You try and figure out how to get there but you do not know how. You are getting older. You have less energy. You feel like time is running out. You feel like you should just learn to be happy with what you got.

Yes. I just don’t know if I am going to be able to make it doing the thing I love. Not enough energy and will to apply toward it anymore. I don’t think it is good enough.

What do you love? What do you want to do?

Writing and making art (drawing/illustration).

But you don’t think it is good enough. You don’t really have the will to apply to it anymore?

Yes. I feel stuck. My career drains me of most of my energy. I am being pulled by the outside world to just settle into being a therapist and meditation teacher. This is where things seem to be happening for me. This is what I am good at and what people are willing to pay me for.

I see.

No one cares about my writing or art. No one would be willing to pay me for these things. I can’t even give my writing away for free.

Maybe you sell yourself short? You work hard at writing these conversations between you and I. You post them on-line and give them away for free. You don’t do anything with it. You don’t try and publish your writings. You don’t try and advertise your blog. You don’t do anything to get more publicity!

I know.


I just don’t have the energy and I suppose I do not think it is good enough.

I know! But the only difference between artists and writers who make a living from their work is not the talent or the quality, it is that the ones who make money from their work believe that it is good enough. They don’t give it away for free. They don’t sell themselves short.

I do.

Yes. You always sell yourself short. This is why you work a job you don’t love. You sell yourself short. You settle. You take money from people for doing a service you do not really want to be doing. You give your writing and art away for free. You continually sell yourself short. Others walk all over you. This prevents your from really doing the work you would need to do to make a living as a writer/artist. So you are pissed off. Makes sense.

I don’t know what to do about this problem!

Stop selling yourself short. Start really applying yourself to the work you want to do. Take risks. Work hard at it!

I am too tired. I am 45 years old and just want to read my books, do my thing and not have to work so hard anymore.

I know. But then you will just have to keep doing something to make money that you do not love doing.

Maybe I will just have to learn how to love doing the thing that I don’t love doing. Become more selfless. Embrace what is. Transcend my own ego and accept my fate. Make peace with it and apply myself to it. Let go of the desire to be an artist and writer.

This is called selling out.

Or it is called growing up.

Maybe. Give it a try. I don’t know if it will work. I don’t know if it is possible to feel happy this way. I don’t know if you can make yourself love something that you don’t love. I just don’t know.

Neither do I.

Well just keep doing the things you love in your off time. Keep reading, drawing, writing, living. Maybe if you keep doing these things enough eventually it will pay off. Maybe because you are a slower worker, maybe because it takes you a lot more time than say someone who is ambitious, you will not get to do the thing you love for money until a lot later in life.

Possibly. I can only hope this is true.

Just keep doing the things you love. Stick with it. Don’t give up.


You are tearing up. Does this make you sad?

I guess a bit. It has just been a long, lonely, frustrating road. But I will not give up.

Stick with it. Keep at the things you love to do.

Ok. Well thanks for your support.

Sure. Hope you have an enjoyable Sunday.

Thanks. You as well.