Can I be really honest with you for a moment?
First, I just want to say that I love my wife very much and there is no doubt in my mind that I will be with her for however much life I have left, but…..
A pervert lives inside of me and he is starving.
A pervert? Starving?
Yes. The pervert has been there for as long as I can remember. He was there when I was 13 and stole a porn magazine from a news stand in Philadelphia. He was there when I was 15 with my pants down, calling on my dial up phone, 976-GIRLS. He was there when I was 17, obsessed with and sneaking into strip clubs. He was there when I was 19, having escorts come to my house when my parents were away (and paying them with money I stole from my mother’s purse). Now that I am 45, he is still there but growing thinner and thinner with each passing day. If you could see him now you would notice his rib cage sticking out and his legs are bone thin. He is holding out a bowl, begging.
Sounds like a serious issue?
I think so. I don’t think of perversion as being bad or unhealthy. I think of it as a very healthy activity. It is a large part of being a sexually healthy human being. It gives life meaning. It is the antidote for boredom.
Sexually healthy? I am not so sure about that.
Well, that is because you take a moral stance towards perversion. But if you put your moral hang-ups and judgements aside, it is a perfectly normal, healthy and fun thing to do.
Because to be a pervert means that you are deeply curious and interested in human sexuality. Rather than just being confined to the traditional form of sexuality, 2 people having oral and/or missionary sex in a private bedroom, the pervert seeks out sexual experiences that are far outside the traditional boxes created by religious and other social/political institutions. The pervert seeks out all different kinds of sexual experiences. The pervert is a sexual anarchist who is not just interested in having sex but is also interested in the act of observation.
Observing bodies or parts of bodies, observing sexual activity, observing sexual environments, observing things that one is taught that they should not be observing. It is in this way that perversion can be a lot of fun. But there is also the physical expression of perversion, meaning sexual activity that is not traditional love making. The physical expression of perversion is kinky, transgressive, objectifying, deviant, purely physical. It is so enjoyable because one breaks free from all sexual restraints.
So are you engaging in any of this?
Not at the moment. I want to and am frustrated that I am not. I don’t even watch pornography right now, which may be causing a lot of my sexual frustration. I grew up in San Fransisco (a city that was once all about sexual exploration, but the tech industry and all of its accompanying repression has destroyed that part of SF) and when I was a younger man I spent a lot of time seeking out sexual experiences. The strip clubs in San Fransisco in the 1990’s were not your typical strip clubs. They were portals into alternate sexual fantasy dimensions. There was not your ridiculous muscle men security guards, NO TOUCH policies and fraternal DJ’s spinning obnoxious top forty music like there is now at most clubs. Instead, it was a lawless dimension where you could have a wonderful sexual experience for 20 bucks while receiving a lap dance (and other things) from an attractive young lady. There were various rooms. Rooms upon rooms where anything could happen with a strangers body. You could also observe all sorts of kinky behaviors being expressed. What fun for a young man! There was unlimited sexual potential in those clubs. All that has gone away now, so I no longer bother with strip clubs. I also spent a lot of time with prostitutes, which was always such a pleasurable experience. But now that I am married, I do not do that either anymore. Besides, it is too risky.
Sounds like at one time you lived a very perverted life!
I did. But I think like most things, memory just makes it better than it really was. Maybe. Maybe not. But I am not concerned with the past anymore. It is the present I care about. And in the present, my inner pervert is starving.
Because I don’t watch porn (although I may start up again). I have a difficult time being perverted with my wife. I don’t go to strip clubs or have sexual experiences with prostitutes anymore. My wife and I occasionally go to sex parties, but these sex parties are often filled with very heavy (fat) and unattractive people so we do not end up doing anything.
Why do you have a difficult time being perverted with your wife?
I don’t know. It is just hard for me. Mostly I think I feel embarrassed. The pervert often acts out their fantasies in complete anonymity. It is difficult doing it with someone you know. Takes a lot of courage. I suppose I am afraid of being negatively judged. It would be great if my wife and I could watch porn together and orgasm all over each other. Or do kinky things in public places. Or do sexually transgressive things in front of other people. Or engage in kindly sexual behaviors with one another when alone. But we stick to the traditional. Oral sex followed by penetration (which, lasts for about 5 or 10 minutes). Once you get stuck in this traditional way of doing things it is tough to break out of the habit. I don’t know if it is laziness, disinterest or feeling embarrassed. Probably a combination of all the above.
Besides, if you listened to the same song, wore the same pants, ate the same food, did anything that was the same day in and day out you would lose interest in it. Why should this be any different when it comes to having sex with another human being? It is natural that we lose interest. Burn out. We need to seek out new sexual experiences in order to revitalize what often becomes mundane and dull.
But you and your wife don’t do this as much as you would like?
No. We don’t. I am even ok with her having sexual experiences with someone else on her own. My inner pervert would be pleased with this. But she doesn’t. Unless I push, she really does not make much of an effort to engage in anything sexually different. We become comfortable and complacent in our monogamous relationships. But once, several years ago, she gave oral sex to a man she met at a bar (outside the bar in an alley). My inner pervert loved this! He was full (and a bit jealous) for several weeks!
Yes. But jealousy is always a good thing for a person’s sex life. It is a motivating emotion.
I see. You need some jealous to really get off?
I suppose so. I suppose my inner pervert feeds off some jealousy. Keeps things passionate. But my inner pervert is starving.
Isn’t this usually what happens when a person buys a house in the suburbs?
I suppose so. I didn’t think about this at the time but seems to be the case. There is so little sexuality expressed in the suburbs. It all exists behind locked doors if it exists at all. Sexuality in the suburbs is often very unhealthy because being a pervert is seen as such a terrible thing. As a result perversion is not able to be expressed in healthy, fulfilling ways. As a result a person gets sexually constipated and sexual desire gets expressed in messed up ways.
Rape, molestation, porn addiction.
Yes. It is sad but it is a natural outgrowth of demonizing and repressing perversion.
I see. What does your inner pervert want?
It wants knew kinky sexual experiences! Every weekend I try and make something happen but nothing ever does. I don’t want to go to a strip club because I don’t want to spend the money and I think it is a waste of time. No point anymore. I don’t want to sleep with a prostitute because it is too risky. I just want to find slutty women or slutty couples who also enjoy kinky sexual experiences, but they are hard to come by. Most slutty women (and by slutty I just mean someone who is having more fun than everyone else) have been so deeply shamed and oppressed that they are hard to come by. I look into going to various sex parties with my wife but every time we go to one they are filled with really heavy people!
What is it with fat people and sex parties?
Not sure. I know that some people are really into heavier people, but it is not my thing at all.
So your inner pervert is starving. Nothing seems to be happening for him.
Absolutely. Not to mention he is growing older. If my inner pervert dies, I just become a normal, sexually dull and non-explorative person, just like most other people.
What do you mean normal and boring sexual person?
You live in a very tight box.
A person’s sexual fantasy life is 90% fully repressed and 10% of it gets expressed watching porn alone and while in the bedroom (after 8pm) with the partner that they are in a monogamous and sexually dull relationship with. We just end up selling ourselves out sexually in order to maintain a monogamous relationship.
Jeeze. Sounds bleak.
It is. But sometimes I will take my inner pervert out for a walk and we sill sit on a bench and watch attractive ladies walk by. This is always a pleasant way to pass the time.
But it has to be done incognito since I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable. Not everyone appreciates a middle-aged (attractive) man sitting on a downtown bench, observing beauty in the form of a female body.
Well I hope that you can find a way to figure this out. Maybe you should become a Buddhist?
Why? What would that do?
Maybe just help you to stay more present and accept your situation as it is. Make peace with how your life is now.
Not sure that would work. Even some of the greatest meditation teachers like Chogyam Trungpa were wild perverts!
True, I am just saying that even though your inner pervert is starving, maybe meditation could help you just be with what is instead of always feeling so unfulfilled, irritated and always seeking out new sexual experiences.
This is possible. It could help. It is frustrating always seeking out new sexual experiences and having nothing happen.
It is. But I hope there are still lots of perverts out there still having fun. I hope there are perverts not starving and doing all sorts of kinky things! I can find hope and joy in knowing that not everyone has been sexually shamed and beaten down by the rigorous and sexually repressive Christian/Protestant culture that America is now steeped in (America is actually the most religious country in the world! Google it). Just knowing that there are perverts out their having all sorts of transgressive fun, helps me to feel a little fuller inside.
Don’t be stupid.
Oh, sorry. Just trying to be enthusiastic.
I understand. I just hope the perverts keep having perverted fun. It is the ultimate act of human freedom. These things are important for human health and happiness.