When Young, How To Grow Old Gracefully.

Ok, listen. Now that all the old folk are asleep, I can tell you.

When young there are certain things that you can make sure you do in order to grow old gracefully. As someone who is 87 years old today, I think I am in a position to comment on this too often ignored subject.


When Young:

-Masturbate regularly and cut the shit about feeling guilty afterwards. Common. Just have fun and blow off steam.

-Make sure you sit in the sun, in as little clothes as possible, as much as possible.

-Be outside!

-Wear bathing suits as much as the climate permits.

-Use your body. Be physical as much as you can. This is very important because those who use their bodies as much as possible when young, age the best.

-Be creative in some way.

-Be naked. Be naked as much as you can. Your body will never look as good as it does now. Get over your insecurities and just be nude, preferably around others. If you are not naked now you will feel like you missed out on something very fundamental and important when older.

-Rebel. Humans are not meant to be fit in boxes. Our brains atrophy and we grow dumb when boxed in. A dumb older person is never an attractive thing. Rebel! Those who rebel when young often maintain their edge into older age. An older person with an edge is always a sexy thing.

-Party. Go to parties. Dress your best. Look sexy. Flirt. Socialize. Be out and about. Enjoy having other people check you out. Thank them because this will not last forever. People stop checking you out as you age. These will be some of the best times of your life and it is always those who partied more when young who have better stories to tell when old.

-Do some drugs. Enjoy drinking. Maybe even smoke for a period of time. These activities will loosen up your brain, let you unload and have fun. But know moderation. Those who abuse substances when young do not look good when old. Many don’t even get to get old because of their inability to be moderate.

-Meditate. Learn how to just be in states of peace. Be present for your life. You will learn how to be a less stressed out person. An older stressed out person is always an ugly sight.

-Again, use your body but in sexual ways. Be sexual! Your body will never be as ready for sex and as desired to be sexual with as it is when young. Growing older makes a person less desirable sexually and often less interested in sexual interaction. So use it while you got it. Fuck away! Have fun! Those who are more sexual when young always grow older more gracefully. It is the ones who have tons of sexual hang-ups when young who just become dicks and bitches as they age. They also tend to grow fat but this is often because they have given up on their bodies since their bodies were always such a threat.

-Be sexy. Look good! Girl or guy, make sure you put in the time to looking the best you can. Not only will you get a lot more attention but you will also have much more fun. You will feel better about yourself and you will be desired by everyone. A young person who is attractive to everyone when young always grows older with more confidence and civility. They tend to maintain their good looks into older age because they have developed the habit of putting in the time needed to look good.

-Read as much as you can. This will help your mind from atrophying and becoming like all these forgetful and inarticulate aging dumb vegetables I am now surrounded by. Reading helps to maintain a person’s attention span and an older person without an attention span just becomes a miserable, dumb, checked-out adult. We call these people Nimrods.

-Eat healthy food. Get enough protein so that your sex drive and brain cells have enough food. Take vitamins to slow the aging process. Eat a lot of raw green vegetables to preserve your gums and teeth. Most old people who look like shit and have rotting gums when old ignored these things.

-Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously. Get out of your fucking head. You are going to die. Everyone you know and everything you do is transitory. Stop with the bullshit. Get out of your fucking head and chill out. Enjoy being young. Get over your problems because when you get to my age you will not be able to remember what they were. This means that they do not matter. So have fun. Read. Exercise. Take care of yourself. Be outside. Be in your body. Fuck. Watch porn. Meditate. Socialize. Masturbate. Exercise. Wear bathing suits. Be naked. Hang out with other people your own age. Break rules. Be creative. Rebel. Party but learn moderation. Be free-spirited. Be wild. Be strange. Look good. If you don’t do these things I promise you will not grow old gracefully. You will just be a miserable, over weight old bore sitting on the couch unable to get off your phone. Trust me. I am surrounded by them.


Bad Mood Mornings. Conversation #Who Cares.

Some mornings I am just in a bad mood. I don’t want to talk with anyone or do anything. I want to sit and simmer in my bad mood. Stay away from me. Don’t talk to me. You bug me. I find you incredibly annoying.

Of course it is yourself that you are annoyed with.

Probably so. In the mornings I feel tired. Heavy. Uneasy. My lungs feel stiff. I am groggy. The opposite of clarity and lightness. Everything is heavy and constricted. How could anyone be in a good mood feeling this way?

Not many people. But can’t you just snap out of it?

Not right away. I need time. It is a gradual process. It seems as if all the yuck and grog that collected overnight takes time to dissipate away. Not even two cups of coffee fully gets rid of it. By noon or one I should be out of it.

Do you think there is an emotional reason for feeling the way you do?

It feels very physical. But maybe there is an emotional aspect to this. Like I hate everything. What am I doing with my life? Why can’t I just dedicate myself to writing a novel or making a graphic novel? Why do I avoid all the things I want to do and do other things instead? Why can’t I just dedicate myself to one project until it is finished? These are things I think about. Maybe my frustration with myself causes me to feel some of the way I do. I don’t know. But I also know that I just physically feel like shit in the mornings.

Maybe it gathers up. Maybe you feel shitty and unhappy in your life because you are not doing what you feel you should be doing and you have to do things that you do not want to be doing and all of the pressure and stress and frustration collects like mud in a creek and overnight it solidifies and hardens and in the mornings leaves you feeling all clogged up and constricted.

It is possible. Why can’t I just focus on writing a novel? I have three or four unfinished novels and I can’t seem to just focus on one and finish. What the hell is my problem? Twenty years of this! I read, I listen to music, I hang out, clean my house, work at my job- I do everything to avoid working on the things I want to work on. I just don’t get it. It is very frustrating. Really upsets me.

Maybe you are just lazy?

Maybe but I don’t think it is that simple. I am writing this now. If I were lazy I would not be having all these conversations with you. I do a lot of work just not the work I need to be doing. I am always avoiding the work I need to be doing, like writing a novel.

I don’t know what it is.

Now I am just tired. Working at my job the past three days has taken everything out of me. I feel like the disgusting sponge I threw away yesterday. It is just all too much. I just want to check out. Leave me alone. Don’t bother me. Fuck off. I just want to read, listen to music and be left alone. I don’t want to be having this conversation.

So why are you?

I don’t know. I was hoping to figure a few things out. I’m just frustrated. I feel like crap. I am stuck and now I am beat down from my last three days at work. I just want to isolate and be left alone. Fuck you and fuck everyone else.

You won’t feel this way later.

I don’t know. I do often feel like fuck everyone else. I try to like people but honestly I feel like people suck. People, the vast majority of people, really suck. Maybe I even suck.

You are just in a bad mood right now. Go chill out. Go do some things you enjoy. Just chill out. Let yourself relax. This too shall pass. You just have to wait it out. You will feel better later.


You will feel a bit better.

I want to have wild and crazy sex with slutty women.

I know you want to escape. You want pleasure because you feel like crap. That is not really an answer. Just a temporary escape.

I want a temporary escape. I want naked female bodies on top of my naked body.

Not now. Just chill out. Relax. Dont give in to sexual fantasy right now. Take it easy. Read. Draw. Listen to music. Just relax. You will feel better later.

I don’t trust myself. When you don’t trust yourself to do certain things everything feels frustrating.

Probably so.