Suburban Silence, Part One.


I don’t ever talk about it. No one knows I feel this way. They can’t understand. They don’t want to understand. They see the world the way they want to see it. To them I am just a twenty-seven-year-old fuck up.

I know they think I am a loner. I hate that they think this way about me. I want to have deep connections with other people. I want friends but I am picky about who my friends are so I end up with no friends. I know this may sound snobby, but I don’t go in on friends if I do not think they are worth it. I just cannot do the superficial friends thing. I can’t have friends that I only talk with occasionally. I know some people are recharged and energized by this but not I. I want my interactions to be deep.

I like people who have personalities that I can mesh with. Low key personalities is what I gravitate towards. I just can’t make friends with people who are loud and obnoxious. Most people tend to be this way so it is hard. I need friends who can talk about things that I like to talk about. I can’t just talk about the weather and superficial things. I know extroverts can do this but I can’t.

I don’t just talk to random people, but when I do they never fit my criteria. So I end up with no friends.

Sometimes I will make friends because I do not want to hurt the other person’s feelings but deep down I am not feeling it. I know that this is not the kind of person I want to be friends with.

I don’t know. I want to have people to connect with at a deeper level but I don’t go by myself to the places these people hang out. Feels too risky for me. I know I should push through this. I know I should just suck it up and go but I don’t. Being so scared and selective severely lessens the odds of me meeting people. I want to meet other people but I am so scared and selective that I don’t try.

If people initiate with me, if they start talking to me, I will talk their ear off. I am not able to initiate, which statistically lowers my ability to have friends. People who are able to initiate conversations with random people, have a lot more friends and fun experiences. This is an ability or skill I just don’t have.

To initiate feels morally wrong to me, even though it would probably be in my best interests to try and initiate more. But it feels like I would be being someone who I am not. But because I am not willing to be something I am not, I end up not getting the results I would like to have.

I feel so angry about this. I have to be something that I am not in order to get someplace that would benefit me. I want the benefits but I do not want to be something that I am not. I would prefer to be able to get these benefits by just being myself.

It makes me so angry.

I guess, I guess that if you are already the kind of person who is a sell-out it doesn’t matter so much but I do not want to have to become a sell-out to get what would be good for me. Yes, I want all the things that come from being a sell-out, but once you become a sell-out you can’t come back from it. You end up losing all your time and are always worried about work.

I don’t want to end up this way. They don’t understand this about me. It is not that I am lazy and a loner. There is much more to it than this.

I want to be able to maintain whatever sense of self that I have left. Maybe I am asking too much? Maybe I am not being realistic?

I know it is possible to work a job and still maintain a sense of self but I often feel like it is one or the other for me. Where would I get the energy to do both? I don’t know if I could personally do it without a specific kind of discipline. I’ve never been able to be disciplined. It is possible to do everything that is asked of you and maintain your sense of self but I just don’t know where all this energy would come from. But it could happen. I would have to be in the right mindset to make it happen.

I am just really scared of becoming that kind of person who says that they do not want to do something but they are going to do it anyways because they have to. I can do this. I can become this kind of person but I feel like once I do there will be no turning back. If I get to this point I will just be mad and pissed off all the time. It feels imprisoning. No time to do what you want because all your time is spent around work. I will end up mad all the time.


These Motherfucking Machines

These motherfucking machines. I am not happy about them one bit. Now, I use my iPhone just as much as anyone. I check my emails and text messages too much. I look on-line when I don’t want to do anything else (which is most of the time). I, like you, have given in to these motherfucking machines.

But I don’t like it.

I think they are bad, real bad for any depth or interestingness our personalities could have once had. I think they are ruining our ability to connect with others in meaningful ways. I think these motherfucking machines are turning us all into even more superficial and unsatisfied monkeys than we were before.

I wish I could fully give in. I wish I could love these motherfucking machines. I really try. But as a result of trying my attention span has been hacked into tiny little pieces. My creative output has dwindled. My sexual relationship with my wife has gone flat. My interest in engaging with others in person is gone. My capacity for handling solitude has been shot. My shopping addiction has gone through the fucking roof. My ability to be engaged while reading a book has disappeared. I love reading books and I can’t even do that anymore because of these mother fucking machines.

What a person does while they are alone determines the amount of depth that they have when with other people. If when a person is alone they are continually checking their phones, what kind of person are they going to be when around other human beings? Frightening thought, but let me tell you. They are going to be boring! There is going to be the absence of any legitimate substance.

Sorry, I wish there was some way around this.

I try and ignore it with my wife. I love her (a bunch) and I want everything to be fine but my wife checks her iPhone all the time. She is always on the fucking thing. She works on the thing. Socializes on the thing. Makes art on the thing. Entertains herself on the thing.  Talks to me and then is right back on the thing. Watches something on TV and is right back on the thing. Takes a shower and is right back on the thing. It is constant but I try to just accept it. It is the way the world is going so you better get in line Randall. But sometimes I pop. Sometimes I lose my shit and say things like:

Is this what we want to become? This couple who is always on their phones? Really? Is this what we want to turn ourselves into? Bored when it is just you and I unless we have a phone to check? Always pulled by this desire or compulsion to check our phones. To refer to our phones for every bit of info we need or interest we have? Is this what we really want to do with our valuable time? I mean we don’t even fuck much anymore. Shouldn’t we be more focused on that than always caught up in digital worlds inside our phones? You have so much potential. So do I but do we really want to be giving it all away just so we can be more in touch with other people? Just so we can check what pic is newest and latest on-line? We are becoming people without depth. You think Father John Misty could check his phone a hundred times a day and do the kind of work he does? Why are we letting oyrselves become like this? I am sick of it. It pisses me off. I know I am just as bad but really you are worse. You are fucking addicted. You need help. I need help. It is going to ruin our entire lives. These fucking machines are turning us into superficial idiots glued to a screen. I just don’t like it no matter how hard I try.

And then I feel bad, even though I meant everything I said. I try and go back to just accepting these motherfucking machines in to my life. I tell myself this is just the way things are now. So I can’t really read a book anymore? Who cares. At least I am in touch and on-line. These motherfucking machines fill the space created by my loneliness, emptiness and laziness but what bothers me is that before these motherfucing machines that space was filled with books, films, creativity, music, solitude, long afternoons wondering around with my head in the clouds and other people. Now its just a continual digital screen.

Again and again.



FINAL STATUS UPDATE #1: I can’t do this anymore. I put so much out there and get so little back. I put such effort into each of my Status Updates. I think about them and try to make them as beneficial to others as I can. But I get nothing. Or very little. Just a few likes. Mostly none. I see other people who get tons of likes and loves on everything they post. These people post nothing special but everyone loves all their Status Updates. I just don’t understand. I post stuff and it’s like a drop of water falling into a large lake. Not even a ripple. I feel underappreciated and discouraged. My on-line presence does not seem to matter to anyone. Sometimes I will get something back from others but it is usually like giving a piece of bread to a starving person. It just doesn’t do the trick. I quit.

FINAL STATUS UPDATE #2: Um…..I know that I said I quit the Facebook Status Update thing last night but I was wondering if I could have my Facebook Status Update status back?

FINAL STATUS UPDATE #3: I don’t know what the point of this is. Why do I keep updating my status several times a day? Why do I keep thinking about what I will write for my Status Updates as I am walking down a street or eating dinner with my wife? My Facebook Status Updates seem to be taking over my entire mind. This can’t be healthy. Facebook cannot be healthy thing for all of us to be doing. I should not be doing this anymore. I put all this effort into each of my Status Updates but no one says anything. Why do I do it? What is the point? It is not like getting “Likes” or “Loves” from other people is in any way going to improve my life. Every time I post something I just become uncomfortably aware of how insignificant my on-line presence really is. What is the point of all this? I just can’t do it anymore. I am done.

FINAL STATUS UPDATE #4: I know that I said I was done yesterday, but maybe I was a bit too hasty. I hope you will give me another chance. Maybe Facebook Status Updates are important to me. Maybe I need to be able to express myself in this kind of social way. My wife tells me that it is good for me to try and connect with others in an authentic way. If I am honest in my Status Updates, then others can know how I really feel. This could be good for me and maybe I should not write it off just yet. I am back everyone!

FINAL STATUS UPDATE #5: So this is really not working out for me. I think it is a complete waste of time. I used to read books. I used to make art and write fictional stories. I used to exercise. Now I don’t do any of those things anymore. Whatever free time I have, I am on Facebook most of the time. I am leaving Status Updates that no one seems to respond to. I am reading other people’s Status Updates and scrolling through the news feed. I am getting upset about how much attention other people’s Status Updates receive. I am clicking on various links that people post. This is how I am spending my time and I don’t know that it is a good thing. My wife does the same thing and we don’t talk with one another much anymore. We certainly don’t have sex much anymore. What is going on here? What the hell are we all doing? I don’t hang out with people anymore. Instead, I connect on Facebook. This can’t be a good thing! I don’t want this anymore in my life. It’s not healthy. I am done. I am out. Once I post this FINAL STATUS UPDATE I will delete the Facebook App from my phone. Goodbye everyone. It has been fun but I must call it a day. Take care!

FINAL STATUS UPDATE #6: I know it has only been a few days but I have had a change of heart. Since I quit Facebook I have felt lonelier. I miss my friends. I no longer get to see the people that I have become used to seeing everyday on Facebook. I like a lot of you and I was thinking that if I quit Facebook I will never again be in touch with most of you, if not all of you. Once I go off Facebook you are all dead to me and this makes me sad. It is important to have friends in your life and most of my friends are here. In my non-Facebook life, I am a loner. I hang out with my wife and my dogs. But on Facebook I get to see everyone whom I have been friends with for years. I get to stay in touch with all of you and that is a special thing. So I am not ready to end my relationship with all of you. I don’t want to let all of you go. I know that a lot of you don’t acknowledge my Status Updates, but that is ok. This is a good way for all of us to stay in touch so if you don’t mind I think I will hang out around here for a while.

FINAL STATUS UPDATE #7: Facebook is just not working out for me. I know it has been only a week since I have been back but this is just not working. I already have enough anxiety in my life, do I need more? I just don’t understand why most people do not seem to respond in any way to my Status Updates. It is as if most of you are ignoring me. Are you guys pissed off at me? Do you not like me? Why do you never respond to my Status Updates? This passive aggressive behavior is driving me nuts. There are several people on Facebook whom I think I am close friends with but none of you ever say anything with regards to my Updates. I just don’t get it. Everything I post it feels like I am met with complete silence. I appreciate those few of you who “Like” or “Love” some of the things I post. I appreciate the few comments that I occasionally get (especially the ones that are not trying to be funny). I really do. But most of you are silent. What is going on here? If you are pissed off at me just tell me. If you don’t like my Status Updates, then let me know. Being met with this kind of stonewalled silence from all of you drives me nuts. What is the point of posting all the time and none of you ever say anything? I just can’t do this anymore. It is really stressing me out. Plus, do we all really need to be in touch anymore? It is not like I ever see any of you in person (I will probably never see most of you in person ever again). We may have been friends at one time but do we still really need to be in touch? Isn’t it ok that friendships end? That we all move on and out of each other’s lives? This staying connected through Facebook just doesn’t seem like a healthy thing. I don’t want to do it anymore. I quit.

FINAL STATUS UPDATE #8: I know I said I wasn’t going to do this anymore. I am not going to do this anymore. This is my FINAL STATUS UPDATE. I am now going to become what my wife calls a “Lurker.” I just wanted to let those of you know who care, that I will still be checking in on Facebook. I am not ending my relationship with all of you. We can still stay in contact through the Facebook Messenger. I will just not be posting anymore Status Updates. I am not doing that anymore. Done playing that game. Done trying to get your attention. But I will be checking back in to Facebook a few times a week so if any of you want to stay in touch with me just go ahead and message me. Thanks everyone.