I Don’t Want To Do Anything

What is going on?

I don’t know.

Yes you do. Talk to me. I don’t have much time, so tell me.

I just don’t want to do anything.

Why?

I don’t really know. I just have very low energy. I feel discouraged.

Discouraged about what?

What I have accomplished in my life. That I am not doing what I want to do. You know, same stuff.

I see. Well, why don’t you get your shit together and start doing what you want to do?

Because I don’t want to do anything. I just don’t have it in me right now. I feel flat. Bored. Tired.  I told my wife that I feel like I am filled with sand.

Does it hurt?

Yes. I think I might feel this way, or a part of the reason I feel this way, is because I spent the past three days working with people, listening to their problems. deeply engaging with them, trying to sympathize, trying to stay interested, trying to give them all I could give. Now I have nothing left inside. Just feel flat.

I see. This is true. When introverts work as psychotherapists it is possible that they can end up very unhappy people. Working with other people in such an intensive way can empty out an introvert.

Yes. I feel so emptied out that it is hard to believe that there is a world filled with people out there doing all kinds of engaged things.

Let me ask you a few questions.

Ok. Do you feel lassitude?

What does that mean?

A lack of energy.

Yes. I do.

Ok. Do you feel hebetude?

What does that mean?

A state of feeling dull and/or lethargic.

Yes. Very much so.

Do you feel weariness?

Remind me of what that means?

Fatigue, reluctance to see or experience any more of something.

Yes. Absolutely. All of the salted pumpkin seeds that I have been eating are not proving helpful.

Ok. How about indolence? Do you feel indolent?

What does that mean?

Avoidance of activity or exertion.

Absolutely.

Inanition? Which means a lack of mental or spiritual vigor and enthusiasm.

Yes. Indeed. There is no vigor or enthusiasm anywhere within me to be found.

I see. Torpor?

Yeah. I feel mentally and physically inactive.

You my friend are suffering from serious depression. You really need to get some help. It is not good to be feeling this way.

I know. But that is why I am talking with you. I was hoping that you could be my help.

I can do what I can, but I can’t do it all for you. You are going to have to seek out help. Does your wife help?

She does what she can but I think she choses to forget about it. It is just too hard for her to confront. Besides, she also works as a psychotherapist. I think she is all problemed out when it comes to me. Just does not have much left in her to really care. But I am sure she does care someplace within her. I also do not want to burden her. I am just hanging out, going easy and waiting for this feeling to pass. That is all I can really do, right?

Yes. Eventually, hopefully it will pass. You are good at waiting it out. The problem is that this state is continually recurring. This is what concerns me. This is why I think you need to seek help.

I see. Not yet. I am just going to read my books. Listen to music. Water my garden. Try and sleep. Do what I can and wait for it to pass. Maybe I will look into some natural supplements for depression. I just do not want to go on any medication.

I understand. But it could be helpful.

I know. But I am not ready yet.

Did you call your mom?

I did. She texted me and told me she was busy today.

Did you tell her why you were calling?

No. I don’t want to burden her.

You should.

Don’t want to.

You should.

Don’t want to. For the most part, my mother has been a great disappointment to me my entire life. It’s not going to change now. It’s just the way it is. I’m used to it.

Sounds like a terrible mom.

She has been pretty terrible. Just out to lunch. In her own world. Loyal to my father. Uncomfortable around her kids. An odd lady. I don’t want to talk about her anymore.

I see. Ok.  Well I am sorry you feel this way.

Thanks.

Wish I could do more.

I think I will go to the market and buy myself some food to make for dinner. Maybe I will make a salad. My wife is going out dancing with a girlfriend (her lover) tonight so I will be home alone.

You are always home alone.

A lot of the time. Yes.

Ok, well take care of yourself whatever you do.

I will. I am just going to read and listen to records. Will go to sleep early. Hopefully I can get to sleep. Lately, when I put my head down on the pillow my mind is spinning. All kinds of mental chatter. Take me awhile to get to sleep. Why do you think this is?

…….

You still there?

………..

Ok. I guess we are done.