When Young, How To Grow Old Gracefully.

Ok, listen. Now that all the old folk are asleep, I can tell you.

When young there are certain things that you can make sure you do in order to grow old gracefully. As someone who is 87 years old today, I think I am in a position to comment on this too often ignored subject.


When Young:

-Masturbate regularly and cut the shit about feeling guilty afterwards. Common. Just have fun and blow off steam.

-Make sure you sit in the sun, in as little clothes as possible, as much as possible.

-Be outside!

-Wear bathing suits as much as the climate permits.

-Use your body. Be physical as much as you can. This is very important because those who use their bodies as much as possible when young, age the best.

-Be creative in some way.

-Be naked. Be naked as much as you can. Your body will never look as good as it does now. Get over your insecurities and just be nude, preferably around others. If you are not naked now you will feel like you missed out on something very fundamental and important when older.

-Rebel. Humans are not meant to be fit in boxes. Our brains atrophy and we grow dumb when boxed in. A dumb older person is never an attractive thing. Rebel! Those who rebel when young often maintain their edge into older age. An older person with an edge is always a sexy thing.

-Party. Go to parties. Dress your best. Look sexy. Flirt. Socialize. Be out and about. Enjoy having other people check you out. Thank them because this will not last forever. People stop checking you out as you age. These will be some of the best times of your life and it is always those who partied more when young who have better stories to tell when old.

-Do some drugs. Enjoy drinking. Maybe even smoke for a period of time. These activities will loosen up your brain, let you unload and have fun. But know moderation. Those who abuse substances when young do not look good when old. Many don’t even get to get old because of their inability to be moderate.

-Meditate. Learn how to just be in states of peace. Be present for your life. You will learn how to be a less stressed out person. An older stressed out person is always an ugly sight.

-Again, use your body but in sexual ways. Be sexual! Your body will never be as ready for sex and as desired to be sexual with as it is when young. Growing older makes a person less desirable sexually and often less interested in sexual interaction. So use it while you got it. Fuck away! Have fun! Those who are more sexual when young always grow older more gracefully. It is the ones who have tons of sexual hang-ups when young who just become dicks and bitches as they age. They also tend to grow fat but this is often because they have given up on their bodies since their bodies were always such a threat.

-Be sexy. Look good! Girl or guy, make sure you put in the time to looking the best you can. Not only will you get a lot more attention but you will also have much more fun. You will feel better about yourself and you will be desired by everyone. A young person who is attractive to everyone when young always grows older with more confidence and civility. They tend to maintain their good looks into older age because they have developed the habit of putting in the time needed to look good.

-Read as much as you can. This will help your mind from atrophying and becoming like all these forgetful and inarticulate aging dumb vegetables I am now surrounded by. Reading helps to maintain a person’s attention span and an older person without an attention span just becomes a miserable, dumb, checked-out adult. We call these people Nimrods.

-Eat healthy food. Get enough protein so that your sex drive and brain cells have enough food. Take vitamins to slow the aging process. Eat a lot of raw green vegetables to preserve your gums and teeth. Most old people who look like shit and have rotting gums when old ignored these things.

-Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously. Get out of your fucking head. You are going to die. Everyone you know and everything you do is transitory. Stop with the bullshit. Get out of your fucking head and chill out. Enjoy being young. Get over your problems because when you get to my age you will not be able to remember what they were. This means that they do not matter. So have fun. Read. Exercise. Take care of yourself. Be outside. Be in your body. Fuck. Watch porn. Meditate. Socialize. Masturbate. Exercise. Wear bathing suits. Be naked. Hang out with other people your own age. Break rules. Be creative. Rebel. Party but learn moderation. Be free-spirited. Be wild. Be strange. Look good. If you don’t do these things I promise you will not grow old gracefully. You will just be a miserable, over weight old bore sitting on the couch unable to get off your phone. Trust me. I am surrounded by them.


The Man Who Discovered Happiness

The entire world knows of him. The most popular name since Einstein. It is miraculous how he could do what he did. All discoveries and inventions are minor in comparison, since he was able to make just about the entire world happy.

It didn’t take long either since once he announced his discoveries and traveled the world speaking about what he discovered, everyone’s brain lit up. The darkness was forever lifted. People got it.

The unifying thing about humans is not a single one does not want to be happy. The singular shared goal of all human life is happiness. We seek it out in so many different ways. It is what every human being aspires towards so once he was able to figure out how people could actually be happy all the time, it caught like a fire in a dry forest.


His name was Joe Ollman. Obviously he has been dead for some time now, but his discovery has still to this day changed the lives of everyone on planet earth. Even though we all live indoors now and are continually on-line, we have all found a happiness that is far greater than any kind of happiness experienced by humans who were off-line and went outdoors. Psychotherapy, psychiatry, life-coaches, self-help gurus, spiritual gurus, all of these professions are a thing of the past. No longer needed. In school I read about how many, many, many years ago, these were the most popular professions. They were everywhere and bookstores were filled with self-help and psychology books written by these people. Not any more. None of them exits today, since everyone is happy.

Joe Ollman. This is a name which will never be forgotten as long as humans are around. You can ask anyone, even children who Joe Ollman was and they will tell you the man who discovered happiness. And his discovery was not even that difficult. It is strange that authentic happiness eluded humans for so long. Joe Ollman just made it very easy for everyone to understand and implement it.


For those of you who are interested, Ollman’s Theory of Happiness is: To be happy is the absence of negative thought. Pretty simple, right? That as long as a person has negative thoughts they will not be able to be happy. In order to be happy a person must be able to eradicate all negative thinking. Sounds simple but not so easy. The genius of Joe Ollman was that he made it easy.

When Joe Ollman was alive he lived in a society that created deep unhappiness. The society that Ollman lived in was so dysfunctional that the vast majority of citizens had to take pills to make them feel better and more functional in what he called “The Sick Society.” Can you believe that? Society was at one time so dysfunctional and unhealthy that people had to take a pill, which generated more serotonin in their brain chemistry so that they could function better in that society. Even though it was over sixty years ago since things have really changed it still surprises me that this is how things once were.

People were continually worried about having enough money and what other people thought of them. People distracted themselves with things that caused them to feel even more empty inside. The routine and monotony in people’s lives caused them to live with this empty feeling inside, which drove them into states of deep anger and depression. Wow. Everyone was stressed out since surviving in The Sick Society caused a person to have to do a lot of things that they did not want to do. People had to pretend to be happy about working at jobs that they did not feel happy at. Everyone was disconnected from one another. No real relationships were able to be sustained in this harsh climate of anger, addiction, worry and depression. People pursued happiness but could never find it because their heads were filled with negative thoughts and people spent most of their time lost inside their heads. Fear prevented almost everyone from living the life that they wanted to really live. People were committing suicide and violent crimes everywhere. Men interested in power and money ran the world and the masses were much too afraid to rise up against the state. The people were powerless. They had no choice but to submit. It was pure madness. The only thing that could help this situation were psychiatric pills. It was the real Dark Age.


Joe Ollamn is a global hero because he is single-handedly responsible for bringing people out of these dark ages. He basically rescued everyone from the darkness and brought almost everyone out into the light. All with his very simple Theory Of Happiness. Joe Ollman was also once a very depressed and negative man. He admitted to often thinking about suicide and then he realized that there could be an alternative way. He did not have to physically die as much as he needed to psychologically change. Ollman realized that he needed to eradicate negative thoughts.

Ollman started practicing Mindfulness meditation intensively so that he could develop the awareness needed to know when he was starting to have negative thoughts and feelings. “When the emptiness and darkness was starting to creep in,” he often said. Once he was able to have this awareness he could catch it and turn the thoughts and feelings into something positive before the negativity snowballed into a miserable state. The importance of awareness in being a happy person was not discovered by Ollman but it was really brought into the mainstream by him. Today most people practice mindfulness meditation and it is because humans are much more aware that they are able to subvert negativity the moment it arises.

Ollman’s Theory Of Happiness stresses that if a person wants to be happy they must be able to not dwell in their heads. That dwelling or ruminating in thought is unhappiness. In order to avoid this a person must engage in distractions that allow them to feel engaged, focused and better about themselves when finished with the distractions. People just needed to become better able at choosing more quality distractions for themselves rather than just taking what is being offered by the highest bidder. It is because of Ollman’s discovery that Hollywood, Netflix, HBO, social media, cable television, most forms of advertising, Amazon Prime are now things of the past. Corporations that created and profited off of human misery are now gone! People now actually live quality lives. Who would have ever thought? All because of one man.


Ollman once said in a YouTube interview, “If human beings want to be happy they must be able to remain present and aware. It is so crucial that people are present and engaged in their lives in a carefree kind of way. If a person wants to be happy they must be carefree because if they are not stress and worry and depression will quickly rise up. The Sick Society did not allow people to be carefree. Everyone was worried and stressed out all the time and this is why unhappiness was such an epidemic. If people really want happiness it is so important that they are able to live in  a carefree way. Moment by moment, day by day without worrying about the future or thinking about the past. When a person is truly happy they are fully in the moment. They are fully content and engaged in the moment without a care in the world. The moment a person is no longer carefree, unhappiness sets in. The thing about humans is that we do have the ability to be carefree. We just need to exercise this ability or potential more regularly through mindfulness meditation practice.”

This was once of the most viewed videos in YouTube history and it is where Ollamn’s Theory of Happiness was presented to the world. Einstein wrote books and papers but it is interesting how things change. Ollman wrote no books or papers but presented his discoveries through YouTube videos. No one reads books anymore. Everyone just watches YouTube videos and Ollman was visionary enough to know that this would be the case one day. Ollman was such a genius and I am so grateful for his presence on planet earth. I do not know what the hell anyone would do without his Theory Of Happiness. We would all be taking pills and living in that dark and very sick society that almost caused Ollman to take his own life.

I am so happy the dark ages are now behind us.

*This is an essay written by a young girl for her online eighth grade Sociology class.

Notes From The Present Moment, Part Two.

Are you kidding me? Do you really believe this present moment bullshit? You got to be joking. Oh I stay present and just watch my depression like it is a cloud moving across the sky. What a bunch of bullshit. Do you really want to soften your personality like that? Do you really want to not deeply feel? Do you really want to become some new age, enlightened meditor? You would lose so much of who you are.

Maybe it is good to not be so reactive. Maybe it is good to not be so stressed out. But there are other ways to go about it than engaging in this New Age speak. The Greeks and many philosophers gave us much more intelligent solutions to the problem of suffering than mindfulness ever will. Do you really need to use mindfulness? Cant you find more intelligent ways to get through life?

Nothing wrong with emotions man. Nothing wrong with being caught up in negative thinking all the time. It’s what makes great art. It is the soil from which most creativity grows from. Life is suffering. It is a difficult thing and the creative person deals with this truth by making some kind of art. The moment you just become present and let thoughts and emotions come and go in a detached and mindful way- you will become less interesting to yourself and the world.

Don’t do that!

Struggle. Feel pain. Get pissed off. Cry. Be depressed. Be miserable. This stuff gives you character. It gives you personality. It brings forth the interesting art that is within you. Stop being a sissy. Knock it off with this mindfulness, new age mythology. Stop it with the Buddhist rhetoric. It is so cliche at this point. Get on with your life. Feel like shit if you feel like shit. Get depressed if you want. Have some courage. Deal with the hard shit head on. Your favorite writers and poets went deep into despair, they did not just breathe around it.

Get your head out of your ass. Life sucks. It has its brilliant and beautiful moments as well. Embrace all of it. Don’t use bullshit excuses and meditative practice to try and deal with it. Just make art. Read. Feel it. Write. Live life as fully as you can. Living life fully does not mean being happy and fully present all the time! It means feeling what it means to be you. Really feeling it. Getting lost in it. Going deep into your darkness. Working things out within yourself and coming back up to the surface with some kind of interesting, insightful and engaging art. That is the best any human can do.

How To Be Unhappy

 Why are dogs so gross? These people are all idiots. Today is the day that I am going to hang myself. My life lacks all kinds of stimulation. That stupid squirrel needs to shut up. Your feet smell like shit. I don’t want to do anything today. I want to be left alone. I can’t believe tomorrow I must go back to work again. All of this sucks. The house is a mess. Why is my fucking desk wobbling when I write. The noise is driving me nuts. People all need to go to hell. None of them are any good. We are all slaves. I’m tired of picking up dog shit. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I am tired of talking. You are a loser. We are all losers. Where are you going? Why don’t you want to hang around me? Wait a second. Stay here a bit longer. Come back.

 These are just some of the ways in which you need to think to be unhappy. You see, it takes a lot of work to be happy. But to remain unhappy is a lot harder. Only the strong can survive unhappiness. Everyone else will try and be happy. They will not be able to take the negativity any longer. They will pay thousands of dollars to hear Tony Robbins speak. They will spend hundreds of dollars on self-help books, therapists and workshops. All because they cannot take being unhappy anymore. It is too much. Too painful to bare.

To stay unhappy takes work. We are currently living in an age where The Cult of Happiness is taking over. Be happy. Be positive. Make your life into something you are proud of. Be the best you that you can be. Live your dream. Be grateful and love all that you have. I am beautiful. Love your fellow human being. You are the creator of your life. Manifest what you want. These are the kinds of articulation this cult makes. If it works for a person I don’t want to take that away from them even though I know it is all a lie. A fabrication. A belief system predicated on bullshit. The Cult of Happiness is an escape from the miserable reality of all of our lives.

To be unhappy means to confront the reality of life without numbing or dumbing it down. To be unhappy is to be honest about the elephant that is always in the room. There is nothing progressively creative about happiness. Continual happiness and positivity does nothing but dumb us down. This is why corporations and governments have embraced the Cult of Happiness with open arms. The pursuit of happiness and positivity is the perfect way to sell people something and to control them. Take Viagra or Lexapro and be the best you can be. Feel good again. I would trust a company that says something like: Life sucks. This shit is hard. Here is something that might help.

To be unhappy takes work. People are continually turning away from you. People are continually getting upset with you. People are continually thinking that you do not appreciate the life you have (the unhappy person appreciates life far more than any happy person ever could. This is why they are so unhappy- they value life and are unhappy about the artificial and enslaved life society is forcing them to live). People see you as a miserable person. Somehow failing to fully live your life. I don’t know when this phenomenon started but somehow in the eyes of the living when a person passes away if those left living can say- but he/she was happy in their life, this makes everything ok. What a bunch of bullshit. If a person was happy in their life, chances are they were just one more anesthetized and checked out human being. To be unhappy requires an independent strength since everyone else will think you are doing something wrong. Everyone will think you are somehow failing to fully take advantage of your life. What a bunch of shit. This is exactly what the unhappy person is trying to do- take full advantage of living their life despite everything that prevents them from doing so. Despite living in a society where everyone is conditioned and enslaved and eventually will get sick and die, a person who can still be happy all the time is just not that smart.

To be unhappy does require a lot of work. First you need to be willing to always state how you feel. If you do not want to always state how you feel you must be willing to remain quiet. Positive people love to talk. They love to tell everyone how much they love telling everyone how happy they are. If you are unhappy you need to be ok with alarming and upsetting happy people with the things you say or keep your unhappiness to yourself. I recommend keeping your unhappiness to yourself since no one else will understand (unless you are fortunate enough to befriend an other authentically unhappy person). The Cult of Happiness is everywhere. It has recruited everyone to its main cause– to get everyone to think and feel the same happy things. But you see, a person cannot be consistently happy or unhappy. So if you are a member of The Cult of Happiness you will always be striving to keep happiness around and this will require a large chunk of your denial and hard earned money. If you are unhappy you don’t give a shit. When you are miserable and in despair, such is life. When you are happy and not in despair, cool. THE UNHAPPY PERSON ACCEPTS LIFE AS IS. THE HAPPY PERSON IS ALWAYS STRIVING FOR MORE HAPPINESS.

I am miserable right now. I fell an unpleasant pressure inside of myself. The day before the return of Monday. Who could be happy with Monday on the horizon? You want the truth? Life is so unsatisfying for us all. I wish we could all just admit that and get on with things. I wish we could just sit around and talk about how miserable we are. All this talk about potential, living fully and how great things are just bores me. I want to hear about how unhappy you are! I want to live in a world where when I go to the market the cashier says, Have a fucking miserable day. Then maybe I will feel happy because I am so unhappy and know that so are you.

The Man Who Grew Breasts (Overnight)

Yesterday, the majority of Americans elected Donald Trump as President of the United States. I was angry. Very angry. This morning I woke up with breasts.

These are not male breasts. They are good-sized female breasts. It is as if while I was asleep, someone came and took my male breasts and replaced them with thirty-five year old female breasts. I don’t understand how something like this could happen.

The minute I got out from bed this morning I felt a heavy weight pulling my chest towards the ground. I immediately became concerned that I was having some sort of heart issue. Maybe I was too angry yesterday, I remember thinking. But then as I was walking to the bathroom I noticed feeling like I was carrying decent sized water balloons inside of my chest. I could feel something jiggling around. I stopped in the hallway, turned on the lights, lifted up my t-shirt, looked down and noticed I had decent sized female breasts.

I couldn’t make sense of this right away. I thought maybe I was still in a dream. When I realized it was not a dream, I thought that maybe I was hallucinating. I have been meditating a lot recently and have heard that sometimes walking hallucinations can be a side effect of too much time spent in meditation. I looked at my breasts in the bathroom mirror. I touched them and that is when I realized they were real.

I don’t understand how this could happen. My wife has been Googling all morning. She is trying to figure out how a man can go to sleep with perfectly normal male breasts and then wake up with a pair of decent sized, nicely shaped, female breasts.

This must be the result of feeling too much anger yesterday. I don’t normally feel such long-lasting periods of intense anger and somehow the anger must have messed around with my hormone levels. I have read about men who are really angry suddenly losing all their hair or getting a non-viagra induced erection that does not go away. It is well known that anger messes with chemical constructs in human bodies and yesterday my anger was so strong that I was sweating throughout the entire day. My anger intensified after my father told me that he voted for Donald Trump and that he thought that Donald Trump was going to “Make America Great Again.”

I suppose it would be fair to say that my anger reached levels that if documented by a medical device could be safely called rage. But I did not yell. I did not express my rage in any way. I just let it be there as I kept myself present and aware of my breathing. I know that all emotions are just waves and because of my meditation practice I do not really identify with waves. I just notice them. But I wonder if the meditative suppression of my rage with regards to the election of Donald Trump as President is what has caused me to grow these breasts.

My sweet wife leant me one of her black bras, which I am now wearing as I write this. The bra has helped ease the weighted discomfort in my chest. But now I feel this tight constriction across my entire chest and back. Is this what women have to deal with everyday? Is this what bras feel like for them? If so, just like Donald Trump and all his male counterparts, I have yet again underestimated what women have to deal with everyday. No man, no matter how rich and studly, could tolerate this feeling of being hugged tightly around their chest all day long. No way.

I don’t feel as angry today. Anger is just a wave, I keep telling myself. The shock seems to be wearing off and I am accepting that as a result of the election of Donald Trump as President, nothing has changed and everything has changed. The sun has still come up. There are birds eating from my backyard bird feeder. I can hear cars racing by outside my home. But the far right has seized power in America. Every advancement America has made with regards to equality for all people over the past eight years has been undone. White patriarchy is now back in power. And I have a pair of decent sized female breasts hanging from my chest.

My wife told me that hopefully as my anger subsides, the breasts will decrease. What does this mean? I have to go to work today so I am not sure how long this will take. If I really try to let go of my anger now, will the breasts go quickly away? But anger is not really something I can get rid of. All I can do is step back, breathe and not identify with it. When it completely goes away is not really up to me. What if it doesn’t go away for as long as Donald Trump is in power?

A great deal of Americans are still celebrating today. They are thrilled that a multi-billionaire, far right extremist has seized control of the highest office in the world. Some people are not happy about this but are trying to make peace with what has happened. I am really upset about it and will not pretend like everything will be ok. I will not take my mother’s advice and just try to see the positives. What is positive about this? I am the one who has ended up with a pair of good-sized, female breasts hanging from my chest.

Everyone else seems to be getting on just fine.

I Don’t Want To Be A Suicide Bomber

Of course I don’t actually want to be a suicide bomber. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not a violent man. I don’t want to hurt or kill anyone. I don’t care about politics or religious beliefs. I follow the law for the most part. I pay taxes and try and help other people. The thing that I want to blow up is just a dream. A dream. I realize the title of this piece will alert many security databases. I may find security agents at my front door later today. Oh well. At least this would cause something interesting to happen in my life. I realize that we Americans are living in a time of great fear and with an ideological distress that seems to see anyone who is really honest about themselves as a threat. But it is usually the ones who are really transparent who pose the least threat.

I am more concerned with being transparent as a writer than I am with any potential trouble that I could get in because of writing an autobiographical essay entitled, I Want To Be A Suicide Bomber. My job as a writer is to be honest about expressing my inner struggles in creative ways, despite the totalitarian thought policing that is killing all good (honest) writing in America. Without this way of openly expressing myself, I have nothing.

I want to be a suicide bomber. There. I said it again. And I will keep saying it. But I don’t want to be a suicide bomber in the ordinary and horrible ways that less imaginative and more troubled individuals go about suicide bombing. Those that blow themselves up in public places lack all imagination. Granted, it is brave to do such a thing but I don’t think there is a more sick, angry and twisted thing a person could do. These kinds of suicide bombers lack all art. There is nothing creative in what they do. Blowing themselves and other people up in public places is the most self-righteous and arrogant thing a person can do. It is the epitome of imposing your beliefs on other people and there is nothing I dislike more than someone who imposes their belief system on someone else without even giving them a chance. Losers is what these people are, even though they think they stand on some higher ground. This is what religion has the potential to do to a person and it is a main reason why I am an atheist.

Is not having a god the reason why I have no meaning in my life? Is this why currently I experience no feelings of passion or joy (unless I have had a few drinks)? I am sure that many religious people would say “absolutely.” But I am not interested in the deluded sense of meaning they have as much as I admire their faith. If I was courageous enough I may be at the point in life where a person would commit suicide. My job is painful. Most things do not bring me joy. My relationship with the woman I love very much is a struggle everyday, day after day, mostly because I am so fucked up. I am perpetually bored. I no longer feel relevant as an artist and writer. I feel like I have failed in creating the life I wanted when younger.

But why? What is going on here? I have a really nice home (surrounded by neighbors I do not know, in a neighborhood that I have nothing in common with other than being a human being continually trying to just get by), lovely Danish Modern Furniture, beautiful backyard, four dogs, all the unread books and unlistened to records that I could ever want to read and listen to, decent health, a well-paying job, a Westfalia Camper Van (sitting idle for months in my driveway), a beautiful young wife who is sexually under used, my own writing studio which I rarely ever write in, high quality headphones I don’t listen to, nice clothes, king sized tempurpedic bed, a stand up desk I never stand at, a newly remodeled kitchen that I am often angry about being messy, a cabinet filled with nutritional supplements that I don’t take. The list goes on and on. But I feel this emptiness, boredom, despair, anger (I really do not know how to describe it) inside of me. It actually hurts. Physically. It feels like no longer being relevant. It feels like losing a very important game. It feels like not getting what you really wanted. It feels like losing something that was very important to you. It is the strangest fucking thing especially when you have so many wonderful things all around you.

But all these things just don’t seem to help as much as I thought they would. Maybe I will get another dog.

Is this what the American Dream I have heard spoken about all my life feels like? Is this how most people feel once they experience the American Dream? Is this it? Is this why so many of us watch tv and stare into our phones? Or is it just me? Most people seem to be doing ok. They go places. Socialize. Hang out with friends. Laugh. Smile. Seem relatively happy with their subordination in life. Is this real or just a facade? I see people who seem to be making a lot of money, seem to be very successful and accomplished in their life. Are they free of the feelings I described above? Do they ever feel like they would want to be a suicide bomber? Do even the security agents who are reading this piece right now feel ok in their personal lives?

I have no friends (other than a Zen friend whom I text with almost every day but have not spoken to in over five years). I have no relationship with my parents. No one I can talk to and relate with other than a pint of beer. I feel very alone. I don’t go out much. I think I am agoraphobic now. My weeks repeat themselves. I used to want to be a writer and an artist but that has not really worked out and I no longer have the energy I would need to make it work out. (All you younger people who are wasting your vital energy getting drunk, hanging out in bars, staring off into cell phones- please get to work. You have a very limited supply of interest and energy left to manifest your dreams with.) I used to want to be a professional tennis player a long time ago but this never worked out. I wanted to start an indie magazine but my father convinced me it would not work out. I feel it has been my destiny to fail. Some are destined to succeed. Some are destined to just get by. I am destined to fail. Why can’t I just accept the quiet, American suburban life I now have? I am losing all interest in everything. Is this just the dopamine being erased from my aging brain? After forty five years of emotional turmoil caused by my relationships with other people maybe all of my dopamine and serotonin has dried up. I refuse to become the American stereotype of a person with a mortgage, a failed marriage, debt and psychiatric prescriptions to fill. I am close though.

My wife just brought me breakfast and placed it on my desk next to me. A waffle, two pieces of vegan bacon and a flower. That was nice of her. She was supposed to wake up early this morning and make us a nice breakfast but slept in. Again. My wife sleeps about nine to ten hours a night. I presume that this is a sign of her suburban depression. I appreciate her making some effort to prepare some sort of breakfast even thought it is now almost ten. It all makes me sad. What my marriage has become. What my life has become. The fact that I am losing interest in almost everything (don’t even have much interest in sex anymore) puts me into a near vegetative state. So many unread books. So many records never listened to. I fear I am now just going through the motions. But I do try to keep myself alive and vital. I try. Maybe I will eat the vegan bacon, even though I am no longer hungry.

Personally I think that what I feel, whatever it may be, is what American Life has become. I think most Americans feel this way. I am probably just more aware of it. More sensitive to this existential ennui. “Anxious? Depressed? Relationship Issues?” This is what a large add in the back of the LA Weekly says. It is for a research study. Doesn’t everyone feel this way these days? I mean really- we are living in terrible times. There is a large hole in all of us. Most of us are painfully isolated. Painfully alone. But no one seems to be saying anything. So I want to be a suicide bomber. I want to bring attention to this. I want to blow up the American Dream with my body. But how the hell does someone blow up a dream? I have no idea how this could be done and it is the reason why I have not done anything. What would I do? How would I go about it. Blow myself up in my mortgaged home? My dogs live here and I would never want to hurt anyone or anything other than my stupid self.

I live in the same town where the author David Foster Wallace hung himself. He had a nice house filled with Danish Modern Furniture also. Billy The Kid lived here as well and wrote in his journal about never feeling as suicidal as he did when living in this town. The town that I live in is a very middle-class, mostly all white, suburban, university town. Could it be that the routine, the monotony, the live-to-work mentality that is emblematic of white, middle-class suburbs is creating this feeling of despair in me? In larger cities there are so many interesting distractions to fill one’s self up with that just this alone breaks up the monotony. Here, I am home every evening. Even if I wanted to go out there would be few places I am interested in going out to. There really is nothing to do. I feel trapped. Stuck. Yuck.

Maybe I just need to become a Buddhist. Try to escape the existential banality of my own mind. Maybe I just need to be more like my Zen friend. He is happy all the time. He lives alone, owns very few things, works a ordinary job, meditates for an hour every day and is happy just being. Pure awareness all the time. This just doesn’t work for me. Too dull. Feels like a self induced lobotomization. I feel like there is something inherently sad about the person who has to trade in their ego for pure awareness all the time. What a dud you become. This is one way of being a suicide bomber but without the bombing. You just commit suicide by consciously choosing to no longer identify with any kind of ego. Pure bliss, pure awareness, all the time. No thanks.

So what do I do? What is to be done? Didn’t Lenin ask this question. Even he, the great leader of Russia dealt with this problem. What is to be done? I don’t know. The sun is coming out and that helps. Find meaning in work, relationships and passions. This is what Richard Dawkins, the great scientist tells me. But a person needs a ready supply of interest in order to cultivate these things. I have no interest in much. I don’t have enough interest to plant a flower or go for a walk. I struggle to even water my lawn. I try to find meaning in literature and music but my interest in things seems to last only for about an hour a day (usually after morning coffee). It then dissipates away like the morning fog. Drinking coffee in mid-afternoon can extend or add an extra hour of interest in my day. But it also adds more anxiety as well.

I want to be a suicide bomber because I don’t know what else to do. But I could never blow myself or anyone else up. That is ridiculous. Absurd. But wouldn’t blowing up a dream, because it is actually a nightmare, add an element of excitement to my life? Would being this kind of suicide bomber be an effective way to quench my unquenchable thirst? Would it be an accurate response to the banality and existential despair I feel? This American Dream, I believe, is the cause of how I feel. Debt, mortgages, dull career choices, not getting the satisfaction I thought I would get from all the things I have bought and achieved. I want to know if President Obama can relate? Can you? (By the way, I think you are the greatest President in American history.) In one way or another I have done everything I was taught to do. I have been a good kid but just not very ambitious. Because I refuse to just accept the fate of being average, of being just like all the other unlucky, suburban salmon swimming up stream together while staring into cell phones and unpaid bills, I live in despair. I can’t seem to just swallow the Kool Aide.

I want to be a suicide bomber but I also realize I never will be. One can have a desire but never act upon it. I want to be a porn star but also never will be. I want to be Thom Yorke but also never will be. I want to be a Zen monk but never will be. I want to be a successful artist and writer but never will be. I want to be a published graphic novelist but never will be. I want to be a happy person but also never will be. I want to be at peace in all my relationships but never will be. The list goes on and on. Isn’t this the pain of wanting? Most of us unlucky bastards know we will never be the thing we want to be. Maybe this is the source of where the pain comes from. Isn’t the American Dream all about wanting what you can never have?

The only real answer I have thus far found: anesthetize yourself with Netflix.

Thom Yorke and I? Post #2

Is that how you spell Thom Yorke?

I am not sure.

But I thought the guy is one of your favorites?

I do respect him, yes.

Respect? I thought he was one of your heroes?

Heroes? I suppose he is. He is someone I look up to. Someone whom I feel won the game. But I feel like the older I get, the more I lose interest in heroes.

What do you mean by “won the game?”

Oh gosh, why are you asking me this? It is a tough question to answer, but what I basically mean is he has not (as far as I know) had to really sell out. He has gotten to be incredibly successful doing exactly what he wants to do. He has been able to live on his own terms. I am sure he has to do things he does not want to do. I am sure he suffers like all the rest of us. But he has created his own path through this world, which is filled opportunities to conform and sell out. He has been successful doing his own thing. Make any sense?

Yes. I get it. He is lucky indeed. He is one of the few.


So this makes him your hero?

As I said, I am not so sure that hero is the right word. I just really appreciate what he has pulled off. Plus he makes art (music) that has been very influential on me. I like his work and am very inspired by it. I think it is great that he can do the kind of art he does and be so successful at it. There is nothing more that I would want for myself.

Then why don’t you go after that?

Are you kidding?

No, why don’t you try to create that reality for yourself?

Just seems too far-fetched now. I have tried and it hasn’t worked out thus far. I am in my mid forties now. I lack youthful energy and inspiration. I own a house and have a wife. I have a job that drains me. I just don’t think it is possible at this point. I need to conform if I want to maintain my lifestyle.

What bullshit man. You know those are just excuses. It is fear talking.

Maybe so, but I just don’t think that I have the energy that it would take to pull it off. I am burned out man. A lifetime of anxiety, depression, arguing with my father and intimate partners, struggling inside of myself, all these things I feel have drained my energy reserves. And to create any kind of good art, a person needs a good fill of energy.

What bullshit. See all these excuses you make for yourself? You could do it, you just do not want to do it. You are just too lazy to pull it off. It is not a question of time, energy or talent. You have those. You just don’t want to put in the work. People like Thom Yorke who you admire, they do the work.

Maybe so. I do think it is easier for Thom to do the work since he is already in the flow of it. He has the admiration of many to push him along. People want him to make stuff. No one cares about what I write. No one cares if I make a drawing or painting. No one cares if I create something or not. It is hard to keep it going when no one cares if you keep it going or not.

Yeah, I could see how that would be rough. After all these years of writing and making art, to still have no one who cares would make it tough to want to carry on.


But you still could. You still could keep at it, keep trying and not worry about how things come to pass.

I could. In a way I guess that is what I am doing here. By having this conversation with myself I am trying to keep a part of myself going.

What part is that?

The creative part. The part that has a lot to say. The part that wants to express all these ideas, opinions and stories that are continually stuck in my head. The part that knows that I was put on this earth (for whatever reason) to do this.

Well, I guess you need to keep at it then.


Use Thom Yorke as your inspiration. You guys are around the same age. Rather than being envious of what he gets to do and how much money he makes (I know it would be nice to have that kind of money) just know that if he is still doing it, if he is still at it, you can be as well.

Yes. I will try to keep that in mind.

Let Thom Yorke pull you along.

That sounds ridiculous.

Just trying to be helpful.

Ok. Thanks.