When Young, How To Grow Old Gracefully.

Ok, listen. Now that all the old folk are asleep, I can tell you.

When young there are certain things that you can make sure you do in order to grow old gracefully. As someone who is 87 years old today, I think I am in a position to comment on this too often ignored subject.


When Young:

-Masturbate regularly and cut the shit about feeling guilty afterwards. Common. Just have fun and blow off steam.

-Make sure you sit in the sun, in as little clothes as possible, as much as possible.

-Be outside!

-Wear bathing suits as much as the climate permits.

-Use your body. Be physical as much as you can. This is very important because those who use their bodies as much as possible when young, age the best.

-Be creative in some way.

-Be naked. Be naked as much as you can. Your body will never look as good as it does now. Get over your insecurities and just be nude, preferably around others. If you are not naked now you will feel like you missed out on something very fundamental and important when older.

-Rebel. Humans are not meant to be fit in boxes. Our brains atrophy and we grow dumb when boxed in. A dumb older person is never an attractive thing. Rebel! Those who rebel when young often maintain their edge into older age. An older person with an edge is always a sexy thing.

-Party. Go to parties. Dress your best. Look sexy. Flirt. Socialize. Be out and about. Enjoy having other people check you out. Thank them because this will not last forever. People stop checking you out as you age. These will be some of the best times of your life and it is always those who partied more when young who have better stories to tell when old.

-Do some drugs. Enjoy drinking. Maybe even smoke for a period of time. These activities will loosen up your brain, let you unload and have fun. But know moderation. Those who abuse substances when young do not look good when old. Many don’t even get to get old because of their inability to be moderate.

-Meditate. Learn how to just be in states of peace. Be present for your life. You will learn how to be a less stressed out person. An older stressed out person is always an ugly sight.

-Again, use your body but in sexual ways. Be sexual! Your body will never be as ready for sex and as desired to be sexual with as it is when young. Growing older makes a person less desirable sexually and often less interested in sexual interaction. So use it while you got it. Fuck away! Have fun! Those who are more sexual when young always grow older more gracefully. It is the ones who have tons of sexual hang-ups when young who just become dicks and bitches as they age. They also tend to grow fat but this is often because they have given up on their bodies since their bodies were always such a threat.

-Be sexy. Look good! Girl or guy, make sure you put in the time to looking the best you can. Not only will you get a lot more attention but you will also have much more fun. You will feel better about yourself and you will be desired by everyone. A young person who is attractive to everyone when young always grows older with more confidence and civility. They tend to maintain their good looks into older age because they have developed the habit of putting in the time needed to look good.

-Read as much as you can. This will help your mind from atrophying and becoming like all these forgetful and inarticulate aging dumb vegetables I am now surrounded by. Reading helps to maintain a person’s attention span and an older person without an attention span just becomes a miserable, dumb, checked-out adult. We call these people Nimrods.

-Eat healthy food. Get enough protein so that your sex drive and brain cells have enough food. Take vitamins to slow the aging process. Eat a lot of raw green vegetables to preserve your gums and teeth. Most old people who look like shit and have rotting gums when old ignored these things.

-Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously. Get out of your fucking head. You are going to die. Everyone you know and everything you do is transitory. Stop with the bullshit. Get out of your fucking head and chill out. Enjoy being young. Get over your problems because when you get to my age you will not be able to remember what they were. This means that they do not matter. So have fun. Read. Exercise. Take care of yourself. Be outside. Be in your body. Fuck. Watch porn. Meditate. Socialize. Masturbate. Exercise. Wear bathing suits. Be naked. Hang out with other people your own age. Break rules. Be creative. Rebel. Party but learn moderation. Be free-spirited. Be wild. Be strange. Look good. If you don’t do these things I promise you will not grow old gracefully. You will just be a miserable, over weight old bore sitting on the couch unable to get off your phone. Trust me. I am surrounded by them.


On Becoming A Gopher

I never imagined this sort of thing possible. How? There is nothing online written about this. None of the great philosophers discuss it. No contemporary theorist makes any mention of it. No one seems to have ever heard of such a thing happening to a person. But it is happening and it is happening to me.

I know it sounds odd to say, but I am becoming a gopher.

The gophers had been destroying my lawn. I hated them and did whatever I could to get rid of them. One day I was running water from my hose down into one of their holes. The water shot out and up into my eyes and face. I tasted something that tasted like fecal matter. I instantaneously become unwell. There was a metallic taste in my mouth and my eyes burned. Ever since that ordinary morning in my backyard, nothing has been the same.

I have grown hair in areas I never before grew hair. Short, stubbly hairs to be exact. On my ears, my cheeks, my arms, the palms of my hands, my forehead, my penis, the soles of my feet, my shoulders, my fingers.

I have had difficulty breathing. My breathing is shallow and fast. There is the continual presence of chest pain. My rib cage feels as if it is being squeezed together. I am in a continual hyperarousal, anxious state. Everything freaks me out and when it does I become immediately mad. I continually play with my penis to calm my nerves.

I never did any of this before. I was a respected psychotherapist for Christ sake!

Rather than being angry at the gopher holes in my lawn, I am now drawn towards them. Something is pulling me towards them and I have this odd desire to squeeze my way down into them. That is where home feels like it is. In those holes. Obviously, I can’t fit.

Instead I have been isolating myself in my writing studio. I have covered the door with books, furniture and anything else that will prevent anyone from coming in. I want to have nothing to do with the human race. Humans terrify me! Once I loved helping humans and now they absolutely terrify me. They are such a threat. I go out at night and collect food from the kitchen while my wife is sleeping, but I then immediately retreat into my safe space and erect a strong wall that not even the police and fire department have been able to break down.

I don’t want to see anyone. I am repulsed by any kind of high pitched sound. I chew on things. I lick myself in areas I was never able to lick before (the one benefit of this entire nightmare). I am terrified and nothing on the internet is helping me to figure this out. Once you cease to be a normal human being, the internet is no longer of any use to you. Accept when I look at pictures of female gophers I am incredibly turned on. I immediately masturbate. This is odd not only because images of female gophers are turning me on but also because before all of this happened, my sex drive was gone.

I don’t know what to do at this point. It is obvious to me that I am becoming a gopher. At this point I have no choice but to just wait things out in here.

Anyone else out there experience anything like this before? Please help

My Sleeping Wife

Every morning starting at 8, I begin the long process of waking up my sleeping wife. She sleeps in the nude and at around 8am all the blankets are pulled off and her naked and supine body just rests there. Sometimes I imagine that this is how she would look if she were dead. The bedroom is completely dark even though the sun is very much new and alive outside.

I tell her it is time to wake up but she does not respond. I go back to reading my book.

At 9am I remind her that she is missing the best part of the day. Mornings are a time of renewal. Everything has a fresh start and is yet to be destroyed by the rest of the day and night. I try to entice my wife with a cup of two hour old coffee heated up on the stove, but her body refuses to move. Looking at my wife I often think how good her body looks in the nude but how much better it would look if she would just move.

Sometime at around 11am I return to the dark bedroom and remind my wife that she is sleeping her life away. By this time her body has shifted into a different position. Often she is laying on her back and I will notice if her pubic hair remains untended to. Sometimes I will receive a response from some part of her that is still alive, which says something like, I don’t want to get up. Please just let me sleep. I love you. She seems agitated but calm and indicates that she wants to be left alone. What kind of thirty-year-old woman sleeps like this? Isn’t this the time when a young person should be most engaged in life? But I keep these thoughts to myself and let her sleep.

At around 1pm I will ask my sleeping wife if she would like me to bring her some lunch and she always answers no. Sometimes she will even say that she needs to be careful with her weight so please do not entice her with food. But doesn’t she need to eat? I will think about all the things which could go wrong from a lack of nutrition but not say anything about it. Not to mention what happens to a body when it goes without any sunlight. It seems as if my sleeping wife just wants to hurry up and be old.

In mid-afternoon I confess to becoming mad. What kind of way is this to live? She is neglecting so much in her life? Why can’t she just get it together and wake up? If she would just start exercising everything would feel better. She needs to wake up and tend to her life! It is just not healthy to be in bed this long. All these thoughts and more start racing through my head at around 3 pm. What I do not seem to understand is that my sleeping wife is tired of life. She can not handle the load of responsibilities she must tend to as an adult and would rather just remain asleep. I don’t think this is a good coping mechanism.

I realize that my wife is a shy person who does not enjoy interacting with most people but this is no way to avoid the world. At around 5pm I will tell her this. I will tell her that being an adult involves doing a lot of things that you do not want to do and this is why most adults are terribly unhappy and addicted to so many things. Rather than sleeping all day I tell my wife that she needs to find healthier ways of being an adult in this messed up world but my wife just continues to sleep. At this point she is usually laying on her stomach, on top of our comforter. I notice how healthy and appealing her butt still looks. I feel my libido spike and I want to reach out and touch her butt. I always abstain because I know she would become violently angry if I invaded her space. I think about masturbating right there and then at the edge of our bedroom but never do.

At around 7pm I go back into the bedroom, this time frustrated and indignant (it is the same every day) and notice that she is not there. She has finally gotten out of bed and is either standing naked in the kitchen or she is naked on the toilet. If the human animal could be in a state of hibernation all the time I know my wife would never get up. But because she exists in a human body she must wake up. Often I will find her standing in front of the refrigerator eating various forms of vegan food. I will ask her if she wants me to make her something and she always says no. I will ask her if she heard about the most recent terrorist attack and she always says no and that she does not care.

At around 8pm, after taking a long shower, my sleeping wife is back in bed and will remain there for almost another twenty-four hours. At this point I no longer bother her even though I am completely frustrated by this on-going situation. I understand that this is how she is choosing to respond to living in the messed up adult world but I feel like there are more proactive and responsible choices that she could make. But what can a man do whose wife has decided to remain asleep? You try waking a sleeping wife up. Any attempt to intervene just pisses her off. I have learned through time and effort to let her be and instead make friends with my own loneliness and despair by reading a lot of books.

I am usually in bed around 10pm and try not to bother her.

The Pervert’s Guide To A Small Town

Hello there. I have begun a new writing and drawing project on Tumblr called The Pervert’s Guide To A Small Town. I don’t know why I am doing this but it may have something to do with being a pervert living in a small town. Please feel free to come and join me on this perverted journey. Thank you.

The Man Who Did Not Want To Get Dressed

On Facebook people refer to my status updates as status downdates.

On Twitter my tweets are thought of as negative yelps that no one hears.

I lose followers and readers in the same way that an aging man loses strands of hair.

That is ok. I understand. In this day and age of widespread happiness propaganda, no one likes a constant reminder of that which we all wish would just shut up and disappear.

I prefer to keep knowledge of all possible negative outcomes close by my side. It’s a weapon that prevents me from getting caught up in the societal phenomena known as the suspension of disbelief.

My mind continually contemplates all that is wrong or can go wrong. It is a life sentence I did not create. Maybe it is the price one must pay for growing up around people who survived the holocaust. My disillusionment has grown up along side me in the same way the trees and my little sister have.

This is why I refuse to get dressed.

What is the point? Why waste the time?

There was a time when I loved fashion. I was the best dressed guy in my neighborhood. But why waste time with any of that anymore? One can only push away reality for so long. Fashion was helpful at one time but it is not anymore.

Do I even really exist? This is a question I often ask myself.

My wife seems to think that I am just defeated. Maybe so. Overtime I see how no one likes my status downdates, no one responds to my tweets and no one reads any of the blogs that I work hard to create.

I am uncomfortably aware of my own futility.

I see how others have hundreds of likes with every one one of their status updates and I become even more aware of my non-existence. Maybe my wife is right, whether it is conscious or unconscious, some place deep in me I feel as if I have received an F on my report card.

Why get dressed?

My shoes are untied. My sweatpants keep falling down around my knees. My underwear is too tight around my balls. I have been wearing the same black t-shirt for days. More than ten young people have melted in an Oakland warehouse party and all they wanted was a night to break free from all the bullshit social restraints. Why get dressed?

What is the point to any of this? Time is gradually sucking all of us up into its Great cocoon and turning us into something that will no longer, in any way, resemble the person we are now. None of us are even aware of this happening. Except for me of course. I see every little wrinkle forming on every persons face.

Do you understand what we are dealing with here? The gravity of this situation. Staring off into the digital world inside your smartphone will not save you. In retrospect, it will only make everything happen at much quicker speeds.

I’m not getting dressed today. My wife wants me to get dressed and go out with her. Some place fun, she suggests. But I will remain in the same clothes I fell asleep in. I don’t even want to tie my shoelaces. What is the point? It is all one twisted joke played on every single one of us.

But you have to find the beauty within all of it. If you don’t you will rapidly dissolve away. Or you will solidify into stone. There is beauty to be found in the heart of darkness. It just takes some effort. Get naked and have kinky sex with some of your friends. Drink good wine or beer. Maybe even treat yourself to good quality gin. Spend your money on things you want. Take up the habit of buying a lot of books and records. Even though you can’t read or listen to them all right away, just having them arounds gives a person something to look forward to. It is an easy way to have a sense of purpose. And without a sense of purpose we are all even more fucked than we already are.

I find beauty in not getting dressed. In sitting in my reading chair reading various books while not caring about getting dressed. Sometimes I will go into my garden, take off all my clothes and jack off into the flowers. Few things make more sense to me than jacking off into flowers.

For me a good day is a day that I have no reason or need to get dressed. Days that I am forced to get dressed because of financial necessity are terrible days. They are days that I must do things that I know are futile to do but necessary in order to sustain a decent quality of life. On these days I am no different from Sisyphus, rolling the proverbial boulder up and down the steep and painful hill.

But I know where to find the beauty. It is a practiced skill. I am able to find it for brief moments even on dark days where I am forced to get dressed. I have to get dressed. But I really do not want to get dressed. I want to stay as I am now, all the time.

There is a real point to all of this.

A man has less to lose and less to gain when he refuses to get dressed.

Backwards Man.

Putting my shirt on backwards. Putting my pants on backwards. Waking up upside down. I just can’t seem to get it right. Doing everything backwards. Paying my bills backwards. Exercising backwards. Having sex with my wife backwards, which often ends up with me doing it all wrong. Masturbating backwards causes me to just get my cumm all over myself and I really do not like this. I read backwards and usually never reach the beginning of the book.  I am not sure where all this backwardness has come from but I have my ideas.

Ever since I bought a house in the suburbs and began a career where I am doing work that I really do not like, I have been enduring an incredible amount of stressfulness. All of these unwanted obligations, all of these things that must be done just cause me to overreact. I get easily overwhelmed I suppose. My nervous system and stress tolerance levels seem low. Maybe I am just not made for all the burdens, obligations and worries that come along with middle class life. Years of dealing with a difficult father have worn me down. My adrenal glands have just grown weak.

This is where I presume all this backwardness has come from. It is the short circuiting of my neural systems, the result of too much stress. But shouldn’t I be able to better handle all of it? I can’t afford to be putting my clothes on backwards and going to work. I will lose clients if they see me this way. I can not afford to be driving my car backwards down the street. I could get into an accident and harm others and more importantly I could harm myself! I can not afford to be a psychotherapist and be caught speaking to clients backwards. It makes me appear unfit for the job. Even as I write this now all of my thoughts are happening in a backwards order but I am trying hard to straighten it all out.

Is anyone one else feeling this intense stress that seems to be inherent in trying to survive in our current world? Am I the only one? There is this pressure on my chest that will not lift. Does anyone else feel that? I don’t see anyone else walking or driving backwards so maybe I am alone. I look for other people wearing their shirts or pants backwards but I do not see anyone. I want to find just one other person who suffers from this. Someone who is walking their dog backwards, having sex with their partner backwards, showering backwards, brushing their hair backwards, reading backwards. Someone who is experiencing some sort of backwardness in a world where everyone seems to be following in a straight line. Why can’t I?

I am concerned about this. My wife is concerned. We are not sure what to do. My wife wants me to relax more. To stress less. But how? There is so much to get done! I have drawings to make. Novels to write. Short essays to post on my bog. Sculptures to finish. A house to keep clean. Bills to pay. Plants to water. A wife to get along with. A body to keep in shape. An iPhone to check on. A business to run. Phone calls to return. Dogs to feed and walk. Books to read. Records to listen to. The list goes on and on. How am I supposed to not stress with all these things that constantly need to be done? I meditate. I masturbate. I am thinking about starting to smoke weed again. I am obviously not handling this stress well enough on my own. Everything is happening backwards. I am worried that the planet will shift and start turning backwards. Then what? Then what will happen to us? What will then happen to my wife, my dogs and all the birds I love?

Masturbating Under The Avocado Tree. Post #19

Shouldn’t you meditate in the morning first?

I should do a lot of things I don’t do.

Like what?

I dont want to talk about that now.

So then why did you wake up at 6:34am this morning and go straight out into your garden and masturbate under the avocado tree?

I needed release. I could not sleep.

But why did you go out into your backyard? Why not the bathroom?

Because it was not my intention to masturbate in my backyard. I went out back to watch the sun come up. I noticed that I had an erection. Suddenly I was seized by a desire to masturbate.

I see. I can understand that. But why not just go back inside your house and do it? Why outside?

I dont know. I wanted a change of scenery. Something different. It felt slightly deviant to do it outside.

Under the avocado tree?

Yes. Under the avocado tree.

Hopefully none of your neighbors saw you. You would be forever discredited as a respectable and professional member of the community if they saw you with your pajama bottoms down around your ankles masturbating in your backyard.

I realize this.

Did you consider it? I mean something like this could ruin you!

A part of me already feels ruined. No, I did not consider it. Like I said, I just needed a release and went for it. I didn’t give it too much thought.

Well, in the future you may want to. It would be a terrible thing if one of your neighbors happened to be looking over the fence into your yard.

Ok. In the future I will keep this in mind. I suppose that since I am trying hard to not watch pornography I am now needing different forms of sexual stimulation. Normally, I masturbate at my desk in front of my computer screen. But since I can not do this anymore I decided to give the backyard a try. Masturbating with my eyes closed in the bathroom over the bathroom sink gets boring after awhile. I wonder how much sperm gets washed down our drains?

Probably a lot.

Yeah. I think it would blow our collective minds if we really knew.

Probably. Look I can understand why you masturbated in your backyard. You wanted something different. But you are now just a fine line from masturbating at the shopping mall, in your car, at a restaurant, while sitting by a public pool, while on a walk and various other public places.

Yeah. I understand. I wont let it come to that even though I have been thinking about masturbating in my car while driving.

Please do not do that. Please. If you were seen by someone who knew you or seen by a cop you would be ruined. It would be headline news if a popular meditation teacher and psychotherapist was caught masturbating in his car while driving. Please do not do this.

You are right. You are right. Ok. I will abstain from masturbating beyond the perimeters of my home.

If you could keep it inside your home that would be ideal.

Will try.


Although I must say it was fun masturbating under the avocado tree.