When Young, How To Grow Old Gracefully.

Ok, listen. Now that all the old folk are asleep, I can tell you.

When young there are certain things that you can make sure you do in order to grow old gracefully. As someone who is 87 years old today, I think I am in a position to comment on this too often ignored subject.

So.

When Young:

-Masturbate regularly and cut the shit about feeling guilty afterwards. Common. Just have fun and blow off steam.

-Make sure you sit in the sun, in as little clothes as possible, as much as possible.

-Be outside!

-Wear bathing suits as much as the climate permits.

-Use your body. Be physical as much as you can. This is very important because those who use their bodies as much as possible when young, age the best.

-Be creative in some way.

-Be naked. Be naked as much as you can. Your body will never look as good as it does now. Get over your insecurities and just be nude, preferably around others. If you are not naked now you will feel like you missed out on something very fundamental and important when older.

-Rebel. Humans are not meant to be fit in boxes. Our brains atrophy and we grow dumb when boxed in. A dumb older person is never an attractive thing. Rebel! Those who rebel when young often maintain their edge into older age. An older person with an edge is always a sexy thing.

-Party. Go to parties. Dress your best. Look sexy. Flirt. Socialize. Be out and about. Enjoy having other people check you out. Thank them because this will not last forever. People stop checking you out as you age. These will be some of the best times of your life and it is always those who partied more when young who have better stories to tell when old.

-Do some drugs. Enjoy drinking. Maybe even smoke for a period of time. These activities will loosen up your brain, let you unload and have fun. But know moderation. Those who abuse substances when young do not look good when old. Many don’t even get to get old because of their inability to be moderate.

-Meditate. Learn how to just be in states of peace. Be present for your life. You will learn how to be a less stressed out person. An older stressed out person is always an ugly sight.

-Again, use your body but in sexual ways. Be sexual! Your body will never be as ready for sex and as desired to be sexual with as it is when young. Growing older makes a person less desirable sexually and often less interested in sexual interaction. So use it while you got it. Fuck away! Have fun! Those who are more sexual when young always grow older more gracefully. It is the ones who have tons of sexual hang-ups when young who just become dicks and bitches as they age. They also tend to grow fat but this is often because they have given up on their bodies since their bodies were always such a threat.

-Be sexy. Look good! Girl or guy, make sure you put in the time to looking the best you can. Not only will you get a lot more attention but you will also have much more fun. You will feel better about yourself and you will be desired by everyone. A young person who is attractive to everyone when young always grows older with more confidence and civility. They tend to maintain their good looks into older age because they have developed the habit of putting in the time needed to look good.

-Read as much as you can. This will help your mind from atrophying and becoming like all these forgetful and inarticulate aging dumb vegetables I am now surrounded by. Reading helps to maintain a person’s attention span and an older person without an attention span just becomes a miserable, dumb, checked-out adult. We call these people Nimrods.

-Eat healthy food. Get enough protein so that your sex drive and brain cells have enough food. Take vitamins to slow the aging process. Eat a lot of raw green vegetables to preserve your gums and teeth. Most old people who look like shit and have rotting gums when old ignored these things.

-Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously. Get out of your fucking head. You are going to die. Everyone you know and everything you do is transitory. Stop with the bullshit. Get out of your fucking head and chill out. Enjoy being young. Get over your problems because when you get to my age you will not be able to remember what they were. This means that they do not matter. So have fun. Read. Exercise. Take care of yourself. Be outside. Be in your body. Fuck. Watch porn. Meditate. Socialize. Masturbate. Exercise. Wear bathing suits. Be naked. Hang out with other people your own age. Break rules. Be creative. Rebel. Party but learn moderation. Be free-spirited. Be wild. Be strange. Look good. If you don’t do these things I promise you will not grow old gracefully. You will just be a miserable, over weight old bore sitting on the couch unable to get off your phone. Trust me. I am surrounded by them.

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I Want Porn!

Sorry. I don’t mean to bother you again. Can we just talk about one more thing quickly?

What?

I want to watch pornography! My wife is out tonight. It is Saturday night. I am home alone and horny. I want porn!

Ok. But I thought you decided to lay off the porn for awhile?

I did. It has been several weeks.

How is it going?

Masturbating to images in my head is just not the same. I want to see naked girls doing all kinds of scandalous, sexual things.

I understand. Why did you want to take a break from porn?

I thought it would help me want to have sex with my wife more.

Has it worked?

No. I also felt pretty degraded by masturbating in front of a computer screen to these pornographic videos. Felt pretty pathetic.

You had shame around it?

Yeah. I am not happy about it. I know I should not feel bad about it, but I did not feel good about myself because of watching porn.

I see.

But I miss the girls. Every night I am home now. My night life has vanished. I used to be with different women, hang out in strip clubs and have all kinds of fun sexual experiences. Now I am just home, night after night. I am in a sexless marriage (for the time being) and it is just getting dull. I need to see some breasts! I need to see a naked lady and get off to her doing kinky things! I need some kind of sexual stimulation!

I understand. It is how you have fun. It is how you blow off steam.

Literally.

But I would stick with the pornography break. It has only been a few weeks. Maybe the break will lead to good things. Maybe it will cause you to have more kinky, sexual experiences in real life. Maybe it will help you to feel better about yourself.

Its been a few weeks and none of that is happening yet.

Still give it some time. If a month has gone by and there is no change, then start watching porn again. For now, I would go into your bathroom, use your imagination and blow off some steam that way.

My imagination is just not that much fun. I only have so many images that I can use. Pornography gives me endless images and I don’t have to create any of them!

I understand. But being low on your own pornographic image stock may drive you to create more images of your own. I say stick with it a while longer. The longing, the desire- this is good of you. Could force you to do various sexual things you may not be driven to do if you watch porn.

Like have sexual experiences with my wife?

Yes. She is ok with you having a lover, so maybe you will seek out a sexual partner as well.

Maybe, but that is a lot of work.

Yes, but laying off the porn might give you the drive.

Ok. I will stick with the pornographic sobriety. I will continue to suffer from not getting to get off to various naked women doing all kinds of delightful kinky things.

It’s ok. You have certainly had your time. You have gotten off to plenty of porn. Time to try something different.

Man I just want to see a pair of breasts. Bare legs not obscured by pants or a dress. Sodomy. Two women kissing. Girls in their underwear. Girls in the back seat of a car doing scandalous things. But ok. I will wait it out and once again go masturbate into my bathroom sink.

Good idea.

Am I a disturbed man?

That is enough for now ok? I want to go back to reading my book.

Ok. Well, thanks.

Porn, Weed, Wine

Why are we talking about this?

I don’t really want to talk about anything right now. I just want to sleep and rest. I don’t have much energy in me.

Why?

Drank a bottle of wine last night, smoked some weed and was up late.

Sounds fun.

That is the thing. It wasn’t much fun. Feel like I was just passing the time. Spending too much money. My wife and I went to a bar in downtown LA. We had dinner. We went to a sex party. Dinner was nice but I could have done without the rest. When drinking and smoking weed I just feel like I am wasting time.

Why?

I am just hanging out, having stupid conversations. I just don’t like the way the whole thing feels. Feel like I am running away from boredom but the end result is that I feel like I am just wasting time. Plus, as much as I like the buzz, I never like how I feel when consuming wine. Feels yucky. I’m much happier without booze in my body.

You don’t drink that much.

Compared to a lot of drunks I don’t. But I have a dependency. I can’t help but drink regularly. It is how I relax. It is how I deal with my anxiety and get some relief. It is how I have a bit of fun. I need my wine to do this for me. I look forward to it. But I do not feel good about being dependent on something that I know is not good for me.

Are you dependent on weed?

No. I don’t smoke much. But I could become dependent real fast. If I start smoking weed regularly, I will need it everyday. Morning, noon and night. I could become dependent on weed quickly but I feel that at the moment I am not dependent on weed.

So why don’t you just use the weed recreationally and give up the wine?

I could. May not be a bad idea. But when I smoke weed, I am a lot more tired and out of it. I become more forgetful and am not as sharp. As a reader and writer I don’t like how it feels to be so mentally incapacitated. I feel like I should be taking supplements that help with clarity and focus. Weed doesn’t help with this. Just makes me feel more out of it. Unfortunately.

Why unfortunately?

I like weed and wine. I think these sorts of drugs are good. They open the mind. They take away the boredom. Sometimes they greatly reduce the anxiety. Weed and wine help me shed my inhibitions. Sometimes I just feel like a better person when using weed and wine. I don’t do any of these substances excessively. But that is not what I am worried about. It is the dependency that I do not like. Spending my entire day waiting to have the glass of wine or smoke weed, I don’t want to live like this.

I see. How was the sex party?

Not a lot of fun. Everyone there was really fat and under-educated. It was pretty sleazy. It was so bad that my wife was considering having sex with an older white man just because he looked like a child molester. She thought it could be kinky to have a degenerate sexual experience with this kind of person. This is how bad things were. When you are at a sex party and there is no one attractive there, you start to think up strange things in your mind so that you can rationalize having a sexual experience with someone whom you would never be attracted to normally.

Sounds creepy.

It was. We got out of there without any damage done. My wife went in the hot tub nude. Many men enjoyed looking at her body. She enjoyed being looked at. I sat in a chair and smoked weed. I looked around at all the fat people. I watched my wife talk with other naked people in the hot tub. I looked up at the night sky. I was bored and frustrated that no one attractive was there.

Why do you go to these sex parties?

To have fun. To have an interesting sexual experience. To challenge myself to be less sexually inhibited. To spice up my sex life with my wife.

Is it healthy?

I think it is. It is a way to keep my sex life interesting. My wife enjoys doing more out of the box sexual things. I enjoy it also- so why not?

Do you think your enjoyment of these kinds of transgressive sexual experiences is the result of watching porn?

Do you mean, do I think I have a sex addiction?

Sure.

I guess I do. Very moderate. Was certainly a lot worse when I was younger. Strip clubs, prostitutes every weekend. I have not been in a strip club in over ten years (even though I would not mind going). I watch porn for maybe ten minutes once or twice a week. I like to watch naked women doing sexual things. Nothing demented. I can see how watching porn perpetuates my desire or longing for these out of the box sexual experiences. Porn probably plays into my sexual fantasies and makes me long for kinky sexual experiences with various slutty women. I greatly appreciate beautiful, slutty women.

So in a sense, when you watch porn you are not being a husband to your wife?

What?

You heard me.

I don’t know if I would go that far, but maybe. Maybe it makes me less sexually interested in her. Maybe it makes intimacy with someone I love more challenging. I have a hard time seeing my wife as an object for my sexual fantasies. It is harder to get into it with her. She is beautiful and very sexually skilled but I have a hard time engaging with her in this way. Seems much easier when I do not know the woman. I am much more sexual when the experiences are random and I don’t really know the person.

This is probably because of porn. This is what porn teaches you.

It is possible. Very possible.

So you might want to consider giving up the porn and wine for a bit. Sounds like porn and wine just perpetuate your lack of well-being. Weed does not seem like such a problem for you. I can understand how you may not like the fatigue and lack of clarity that comes with smoking weed. But maybe you can indulge in weed once in a while but give up the porn and wine?

Porn and wine. My two favorite things! What would my life be like without them! Gosh sounds dull.

Ironically things would probably feel a lot better. You would probably be more productive and healthier. Maybe even happier.

It is possible. Ok, I will give up the wine and porn for 6 months. I am not going to stop having out of the box sexual experiences with my wife, but I will stop filling up on sexual fantasies supplied by porn. I do love looking at naked women though. It will be tough to give that up but maybe it will compel me to look at my wife naked more often.

6 months. Ok. Sounds like a good thing. Give it a shot. You can still masturbate, but just do it in your bathroom sink. Use your imagination rather than a computer screen.

True. Watching porn always feels shitty in the end. I try not to think about it, but if I am honest with myself, it feels bad. Jacking off with my pants down in front of a computer screen filled with random naked women doing sexual things, never feels good. It just gives me a momentray thrill. A break from the banality of my life.

I think we have said enough here. I think you know what to do.

6 months. No wine or porn. Maybe I will stop weed as well. Complete sobriety. Or maybe I will use weed moderately?

Go take a nap. Sleep on it. See what you think in an hour or so. We can talk more about this later.

Sounds good.