I love my new reproduction Eames desk chair. But this is not what I want to talk about. I am hung over from three and a half glasses of cheap French Rose wine, drunk in consecutive order last night. But that is not what I want to talk about either. Right now I am having around fifteen to eighteen drinks per week. I am also smoking a minor amount of weed but a minor amount of weed has a major effect on me. But this is not what I wanted to talk about. I think for many forty-five year old men having fifteen to eighteen glasses of wine a week is nothing. A pebble in a pond. Many out there drink much, much more. But for me, who has always had a difficult relationship with booze, it is too much. I could be a healthier and more stable person if I did not drink nearly as much. If I did not smoke weed. If I was sober most of the time. I know this for a fact. So why don’t I do it? This is not what I wanted to talk about either. What I wanted to talk about was I wonder if maybe I do like the extreme idea of pissing all over a naked woman? Or smearing my shit up her ass, while also smearing it all over her face and breasts? I wonder if I like the idea of cumming right into her face and open mouth and smearing my cumm all over her body? Or I wonder if I like the idea of standing naked over her naked body and pissing into her face and open mouth? Just giving it to her gross and dirty. This is what I wanted to talk about. I know these are terrible things to think about. I know it feels like I am being degrading to woman. But is it really terrible? Am I really being degrading to women or is this just how my Judeo-Christian culture has told me to feel? Is it really that bad to want to cumm all over a woman’s face or to want to stick my shit up her ass or have I just been conditioned to think these acts are repulsive and disgusting? I mean don’t most of us just do what we are told is right? In my real life I can’t really do these perverted things. I feel too embarrassed. Too wrong. I become too shy. But occasionally I think about these things. This is what I wanted to talk about. I often wish that my sexual behavior could be less inhibited and more forward and embodied. Is embodied the right word for it? I imagine that someone who can comfortably cumm or piss all over a woman’s face and like it, actually enjoy it and feel no shame as a result of it, is a person who is fully embodied. Fully strong and confident in their body and sexual behavior. This is how I would like to be. To be able to watch porn with my wife or sexual partner and cumm all over each other while getting off to pornographic things, how fun this would be! To be able to shit on my wife and rub it on her face and breasts, how liberating this would be! An attractive and sexual wife (like mine) is a vehicle through which a man can explore these raunchier things. A wife is a kind of guilt-free, willingly exploitive sexual partner. If not, then what is the point? To just become banal, asexual and mundane together while worrying about paying all the bills? I wish I could explore these fully immersive and embodied sexual behaviors with my wife. Not try them but engage in them on a more regular basis. This is what I really wanted to talk about. You see I am very shy. I become very disembodied with sex. I feel like I have a difficult time staying embodied because I feel embarrassed or not confident or bad or fearful. Like one of those bugs who curls up in their shell every time you touch them. This is what I do and I don’t like it. So many wasted opportunities for sexual exploration. I say that cumming all over my wife’s face would be degrading or weird but maybe that is what I really want. How do you cumm all over your wife’s face and fell ok about that? That is your wife! A wife is not a whore. A wife is almost like a mother. Take one step over from mother and you are at wife. How to be so sexual with a woman who is almost like a mother and a friend? I just don’t know how to do this. I’m too respectful. I could do it with a whore. I could do it with a random woman who I do not really know. It would not be easy but it would be easier to get off with a woman I do not know. But with a wife? How do you shit, piss or cumm in your wife’s face? I mean that is sacrilege! Not a nice thing to do. How can you turn your wife into that kind of sexual object? This is what I really wanted to talk about. I just don’t know how. Even when I fuck her from behind or when she swallows my cumm after a blow job, I feel bad. I feel like I should not be doing that. But my wife is sexual and attractive. She is the perfect vehicle through which I can explore such exploitative sexual things, but I just can’t! She is my wife! Maybe if she fucked other men, maybe if she became really slutty outside our marriage, that could work. I could see her as more of a whore. But she is my wife! I don’t want anything bad to happen to her. I want to take care of her and keep her safe so I can never be fully comfortable with her fucking other men. There is risk involved and a part of me would feel like I drove her towards taking such risks because of my inability to be as sexual as I would like with my wife. Because of my need to turn her into a whore. Maybe we should get a divorce but still stay in a relationship, still stay life-long-partners, but if I take away the label of wife then maybe it would be easier to piss, cumm and shit all over her. Maybe it would be easier to rip her clothes off and masturbate on her breasts or turn her around and slip my dick into her ass while slapping her the entire time. If she was not confined by the label of wife maybe then I would be more able to treat her like a whore when in the “bedroom.” This is what I really wanted to talk about. I have a very kinky and sexually transgressive mind. I don’t mind this about myself. I think it is healthy. Where my sexual thoughts go is usually to a very primal sexual place. I want to fuck women. I want to rip off their clothes. I want to stick my dick deep into all parts of them. I want to cumm all over faces and breasts while looking at them in the eye and then feeling great about it afterwards. (All of this is consensual of course.) But I never act this way. I am always inhibited. Always reserved. I do not want to think that these things are bad but I do. I do not want to be a product of my Judeo-Christian conditioning but I am. The shit gets in there and it keeps me from being fully embodied when in the sexual act. Having a wife makes it three times harder than having a girlfriend. Having a girlfriend makes it two times harder than just having a random one night stand. So I just watch porn and live out my sexual fantasies privately through a computer screen. How pathetic is that? Why not go out and take what I want? Why not be more embodied and take some risks? Your wife would have no problem watching porn and masturbating all over each other. She would enjoy that but it feels too wierd to me. I can’t help feeling like I would be doing something wrong. Feeling bad. So I exist in sexual conflict. Sexual confusion. This is what I really wanted to talk about. My sexual confusion. I am really not sure what to do because she is my wife. A wife is not a whore. I don’t know what to do about that. A wife deserves respect. The same type of treatment you would give to your mom. But a wife also gets all of the unexpressed anger and irritation that you have towards your mom. It gets misdirected and expressed towards the wife (the hazards of being a wife), which makes it even harder to see the wife as a sexual object. A wife becomes buried under so many issues and problems that are not even her own. What I am trying to say here is that my sexuality is stuck. Inhibited. I am not sure how to bring it out so that I can really act out the things that are in me. I realize that the way a man feels about his wife is also a result of social conditioning. In reality there is nothing wrong with cumming, pissing, shitting and doing other transgressive sexual things with a wife. That is part of what having a wife is for! A safe and secure person for you to explore perversions with! But social conditioning tells us this is bad. Our relationships with our mothers tells us this is bad. Making the wife a kind of substitute mother rather than a part-time whore is just a form of social conditioning. No one talks about it but this is what men are told to do. This is why most married men watch a shit ton of porn instead of acting out sexual fantasies with wives. So I don’t know what to do about it. I could take some sort of action and just start cumming on my wife’s face even though I know I would feel really uncomfortable about it. It would be hard to act out these sexually behaviors but maybe I could just force myself to do it? Push through the heavy resistance coming towards me, from me? Maybe if I just did it enough, just felt uncomfortable acting out these various sexual behaviors with my wife, but still do it, things would get much easier over time? Maybe then I could turn my wife into a part-time whore? Maybe then we could also have lots of sex with other people as well, guilt free? I don’t know. This is what I wanted to talk about. Because what I know for certain is that what I am doing now is not working. I am drinking too much. I am watching too much porn. I am not having much sex with my wife. I am standing in too many corners watching the world go by outside my door. Looking, always looking for too many whores, but never actually finding one, except on the existential computer screen.